How to wear an Obama Mask

NEW YORK — Thank God this candle has Wifi…

So, when asked how “Frankenstorm” (and believe me, this thing is f*cking hellacious) might affect the elections, Barack Obama replied “the election will take care of itself.” In the ominous and creepy spirit of that declaration, I offer you — just in time for Halloween! — the Obama Mask.

Disclaimer: This is an opinion piece. Instructions for wearing an actual Obama mask may require some modification to the following.

1. Sell people who are tired of a spoiled cowboy wannabe Texan’s soft tyranny on a vague and false yet oddly appealing promise of “hope” and “change.”

2. While not playing the underdog/race card to generate ballot box bling, blithely stand back and let others do the playing the underdog/race card thing for you to generate same electoral ka-bling.

3. Give your wife a speciously serious issue to tackle such as kids’ lunches so that she can maintain a façade of social concern while leaving plenty of time for shopping excursions and partially taxpayer-funded trips to Hawaii.

4. Categorically refuse to admit that you are way, make that waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay underqualified for the job that you are currently very privileged to hold.

5. Refuse on a more or less continuous basis to label Islamic terrorists as Islamic terrorists.

6. In deference to inchoate loyalties that you put ahead of traditional Yankee resolve, refuse to pronounce “Koran” properly in public settings.

7. Attempt to hijack the putatively personal experience of visiting a Holocaust memorial to further your political objectives (note to readers: check Google for the hackneyed quote).

8. Appoint one of your cronies as Ambassador to Israel, despite his petulant mien and bumbling manner, and make sure he is Jewish in order to placate the Jews who claim you’d be happier throwing Israel under the bus than reserving it a front seat in your chauffeur-driven car.

9. Grin in public, cackle in private as Mother Nature (and she can be one motherf*cker of a meddler, let me tell you – 3 days and still no lights in this hellhole) takes your unabashedly pro-Israel (and pro-America) opponent out of the national conversation.

Congrats! Now you too can wear your Obama mask – and as creepy as it is, what’s scarier is that the grand schemer and original inspiration for the Obama Mask put it on long before Halloween rolled around, and will keep it on long after the pumpkins turn to rot.

Because that’s how it rolls in 2012 in Washington: very few treats, and very many tricks.