I Would Make a Terrible Wife
Hey, you know what?
Not every Jewish woman is marriage material.
I think I’m one of them.
No, I’m super, duper serious.
If you happen to be one of my unlucky stalkers, here’s an explanation of why you shouldn’t marry me:
Let me start by saying that all this began when I found out my ex-boyfriend got married.
I had sent him this email explaining how he had hurt me.
What happened was….his new wife replied back instead and asked me to leave her husband alone.
(She also said some other really mean words that were too explicit to state here.)
Anyway, I didn’t know he had gotten married, and if I did I never would have sent him this email.
It was quite a surprise.
After crying myself to sleep, I told myself, “Anat, you’re much happier with your four cats anyway.”
“And you’re much happier since you can come home and spend lots of time with them.”
I replied to myself while sobbing, “I guess.”
“I do like my cats better than a husband.”
The truth is I do have womanly qualities about me.
I love to clean and cook.
(Actually, I love cooking more.)
While I do have moments where I go crazy with cleaning, cooking is so much fun.
I love to just make up a bunch of ingredients and put them together.
It usually comes out great.
I love to feed people.
I love to make huge dishes of food and watch others eat it.
I can honestly be in the kitchen all day.
(However, that’s not a good enough reason to be a wife.)
And, the fact is that, although I am a faithful person, I would eventually get sick of seeing the same face every single day when I come home.
The conversations between myself and my so-called “future husband” will eventually get boring.
For the simple reason that I am a little kid at heart and I love to play weird imaginary games such as asking,
“What would he do if he went back in time and saw Golda Meir and she would ask him if he could keep a secret?”
In short, my husband would probably get really sick of my childish games.
What is another reason I wouldn’t make a good wife?
Well, maybe because I will always love my cats more than I could love my husband.
In other words, my cats will be #1, and he will maybe be #2.
Another reason is that I’d want to sleep in a separate beds.
I just can’t stand being touched when I’m sleeping.
You know what? I’d probably even want to sleep in a different room if he snores.
I would get very annoyed if he hides secrets from me.
I would get jealous if he talks about how he loves spending time with other girls. (I’m a scorpio, which makes me super jealous. I don’t know if I actually believe in astrology, but I’m just trying to make a point.)
Anyway, so, men….run as fast as you can!
Because, as my ex-boyfriend claims, if he could go back in time he would never make that mistake.
At this point, I’m not in love with any men right now, anyway.
(Clearly, I was in the past.)
I do fall in love quite easily though.
And to be blunt, I think that love is just chemicals in our brain.
Scientists have obviously proved that.
So, if love is just chemicals in the brain, it does not necessarily have anything to do with the other person, and to be really, really, honest…I believe that marriage is truly pointless.
I mean, more than 50% of people get divorced.
That means that most people get divorced.
That means that if I get married, I will most likely get divorced myself.
Is divorce fun?
I don’t think so.
Why should I get into that business if it mostly fails?
The world is over-populated anyway, so why should we get married and have children?
I know it’s a little bit of off-topic now, but there are so many orphans out there waiting for a warm home.
Which really brings me to think that, although I wouldn’t make a good wife, I would make a great Jewish mother.
Maybe I should work in foster-care at some point in my life.
Only time will tell