Cesar Chelala
A physician and writer

If I were a national Republican lawmaker

If a man, I would dress as a woman. If a woman, I would dress as a man.

I would buy a horse and, without resting, would go non-stop to Montana and remain there in the woods. Forever.

I would erase the word shame from my dictionary.

I would also erase the words law, maker, decency, responsibility, morality, duty.

I would tell my children that they have the right to be ashamed of me.

I would tell my children that, if they want to be respected, they should do exactly as I did, only in the opposite way.

I would go into a circus, strangle the clown, steal his clothes, and wear them myself.

I would buy a no-return ticket to Siberia.

I would volunteer as a traveler to the moon. Next trip.

I would shoot a person on 5th Ave., New York.

I would hide under my bed, refuse to go out, and tell my children it is a new game I invented.

I would stop shedding crocodile tears for things I condoned/encouraged for 4 years.

I would start looking for a new job. According to my qualifications, janitor is a definite possibility. If moral qualifications are considered, then it is not.

I would start singing “If I were a coward maaaannn…” to the tune of Fiddler on the Roof as a background.

About the Author
César Chelala is a physician and writer born in Argentina and living in the U.S. He wrote for leading newspapers all over the world and for the main medical journals, among them The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, The Japan Times, The China Daily, The Moscow Times, The International Herald Tribune, Le Monde Diplomatique, Harvard International Review, The Journal of the American Medical Association, The Lancet, Annals of Internal Medicine, and The British Medical Journal. He is a co-winner of an Overseas Press Club of America award and two national journalism awards from Argentina.
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