If Seinfeld were still on tv, I would be living next week’s episode – By Keith Resnick

I don’t even know where to begin, but imagine if you went on vacation with Frank and Estelle Costanza, Morty Seinfeld and Jack Klompas (as in the Astronaut Pen “take the pen, I want you to take the pen”), MAYBE then you can comprehend my trip. Actually, no, you can’t. I am in Del Boca Vista, Phase OMFG.

Don’t get me wrong, I am having a nice time, seeing heaps (today we did an actual archaeological dig), and I love the fact that I have decided to stay here for several months, the latest departure being mid-April, by which time I need to start heading home for Cuz J’s wedding in May. And Jason, I will gladly accept my very delicious and very expensive double or nothing steak at that point.

But, as much as I love my mother, my grandmother and everyone else’s g-parents, this is beyond funny; On the bus: it is too hot or the a/c way too high. Thank g-d I brought my Helly Hanson thermal pullover with me, or I might have pneumonia. Forget the fact that we have changed buses 4 times and people have kvetched that the seats are too close in width and pitch, regardless of bus.

In the hotel room: Mom, it is not the middle of the summer. I am F’N freezing and wake up with frozen snot icicles. I feel like Mr. Bigglesworth every time I walk in the room to go to sleep. No layer of thermals is warm enough.

At every outing: We have to walk down steps and then walk up? Where is the escalator? My cane/walker/rascal isn’t going to stop me from kvetching about the walk down/up the steps.

Tonight at dinner, the anectodes abounded. First I was the recipient of a Shiddach (sp). For the uninitiated, a Shiddach (use the chhhhhh as in yechhhh sound at the end) is when a Jewish mother desperately introduces their child to a fellow single Jew, of opposite sex, simply b/c they are both Jewish and single, disregarding the fact that one likes bacon and the other is Kosher. Except tonight, this was a mother whose son was also on the trip with his parents! At least if it was Passover, HE would have to read the 4 questions! Shortly thereafter, in a dining room the size of the Kingdome, apparently someone forgot to tell the Altacockers (Yiddish for old person, I believe) that they should put on their babushkas to combat the a/c, b/c all of a sudden, one person felt the a/c go on, then they all agreed it was really cold.

I hope you have tears in your eyes, first out of laughter, then out of sympathy for me, being with 4/5/6 dozen kvetching Jews from NY. In fact, our bus got OLDER the last couple of days. We went from a 55ish y.o. bus to the infirm bus that has to refill on gas every 15 Km b/c of all the walkers and rascals underneath weighing it down. If this wan’t so ridiculously funny from my perspective I would cry!

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