I’m tired

I’m tired.

I’m tired that for nearly the last four months, I’ve spent my days fighting simply for the right for self preservation.

I’m tired that on the other hand, people who didn’t know where Israel was on a map before October 7th have come to spew the worst vitriol of all time, wishing that we were dead Jews.

I’m tired that there are also many people who say they want to DO something, but instead just whine and complain on social media in group chats and do nothing.

I’m tired because there are so many things people CAN do!

I’m tired that while many of us are identifying more strongly than ever with our Jewishness and we are prouder than ever, there are those of us who have used this opportunity to create a strong divide, justifying that maybe, maybe we don’t deserve even a tiny sliver of the Earth.

I’m tired of explaining to them that the Jewish homeland is our right for self determination and is literally how we continue to exist.

I’m tired of explaining that while Jews have (once) flourished in countries all over Europe and the Middle East, there is no safe space for them anymore, that they have been exiled and now are at risk of assimilation, antisemitism, and that they will never ever be safe and at one with anyone but the Jewish people.

I’m tired of explaining that this is true because older texts and even the more recent books summarizing Jewish history (Jewish Pride, People Love Dead Jews, Israelophobia, and How to Fight Antisemitism, & Israel: A Simple Guide to the Most Misunderstood Country on Earth, among others) repeat these themes again and again and again.

I’m tired of explaining that Israel has always been the Jewish homeland and there is an incontestable truth to this fact in the form of architectural structures underneath the current land, and scrolls, among thousands of other artifacts.

I’m tired of explaining that Israel was mentioned in the Quran approximately 43 times.

I’m tired of explaining that billions of people celebrate New Year’s every single year, the birthdate of a Jewish man who was born in Bethlehem thousands of years ago, but do not think that Jews lived in Israel before 1948.

I’m tired of explaining that there’s a difference between fighting to kill someone and fighting to stop them from killing you.

I’m tired of knowing that this has been a propaganda campaign against the Jews and Israel for decades in the making.

I’m tired that people I know with sound mind are coming to ME to defend MY stance for why I am so pro-Israel—and mostly because they claim they don’t know who else to talk to.

I’m tired that for every single counterargument I send, they punt another false narrative right back, and despite them having an “open mind,” we are back where we started.

I’m tired that I actually read a mythological narrative by request from one of my anti-Zionist friends, sent rebuttal after rebuttal for every single point that was raised in that text, and was still attacked for not being amenable to that false point of view.

I’m tired of telling them that I don’t have the headspace, energy, time, or wherewithal to debate one on one with each person, so that must mean I’ve given up.

I’m tired of having to explain that I have family living in Israel. And likely, so do they.

I’m tired of having to explain that every life matters.

I’m tired of telling anti-Zionists physically in Israel who are completely against what is happening that their perspective would change if they were one of the 1400+ murdered or 250+ taken.

I’m tired that people are okay that these hostages haven’t been returned to their families.

I’m tired that global aid organizations do nothing but act as fancy cab drivers and some are even complicit in these war crimes.

I’m tired of seeing petitions with names of familiar people—assimilated rabbis, I’ll say—who are calling for a ceasefire because they don’t understand how important it is for there to be a safe space where we aren’t faced with the threat of assimilation.

I’m tired of explaining that we can’t ceasefire and it’s not because we want to fight.

I’m tired of the acknowledgment that despite our dispersal around the world, the safest place in the world for us is a little country that is at war.

I’m tired that there is no actual designation on ethnicity for Jews, but we certainly aren’t White/Caucasian—after all, 6 million of us were killed less than 100 years ago for being inferior to being White.

I’m tired that even during this time where we should be united, there are people who are just like me in communities just like mine who are further interested in maintaining divides, forgetting that the Jewish people are a brotherhood.

I’m tired that in light of all the good so many of us continue to do, there will be people who will gladly destroy our efforts and set us back.

I’m tired that as a Jewish woman with a husband and two sons who wear yarmulkes and tzitzit daily, it is “stupid” to be walking around without protection.

I’m tired that this is even a consideration.

I’m tired of having to file two hate crime reports due to theft of my open support of Israel… from teens who probably could never even point out where Israel is on a map.

I’m tired that I was viciously attacked for defending my support.

I’m tired that people do not fully understand what genocide is.

I’m tired of people not understanding what an apartheid is either.

I’m tired that no matter what truth you tell them, they’ll always listen to the other side.

I’m tired knowing that this is because people love dead Jews.

I’m tired because they enter the conversation with bias, and they refuse to have an open mind, despite zero personal connection to the subject matter.

I’m tired that people truly don’t realize the key objectives of BDS are to ensure that the Jewish people do not continue to persevere.

I’m tired that I once actually believed that DEI was something that could put everyone on equal footing but then realized that I was naive because the “white” Jewish man is often seen as superior and thus is not included in DEI initiatives.

I’m tired that the United Nations always makes Israel part of their agenda, always citing that little country with the most numerous and heinous of war crimes, as if the rest of the world is a perfect haven and there are no genocides, apartheids, or mass murders occurring anywhere else.

I’m tired because that teaches the world that the only oppressor is Israel—when that cannot be farther than the truth.

I’m tired that people are born and raised to hate us, straight from infancy.

I’m tired of the false narrative that Jews have control, control of money, control of the media, and that belief contributes to an ignorant hatred for us.

I’m tired that those people have never even set foot into a real Jewish community to see how some Jews actually live.

I’m tired because now more than ever, we need to put up a unified front in solidarity, but I see unprecedented divides even among the like-minded. Even within families.

I’m tired because nothing would’ve changed for me and us from October 7th to 8th to 9th…. we would have been doing exactly what we are doing now: being the proud Jews that we always were.

I’m tired because that’s not the case for academics and students at higher educational institutions who are being financially incentivized otherwise—who will move onto some other cause when this war is over, but who have destroyed morale and hope for so many people who, like Anne Frank, believe that most people are typically good at heart.

I’m tired because they have nothing better to do than to go out and scream from the rooftops saying chants that effectively translate to “kill them all.”

I’m tired that when told to stop, they not only threaten, they come on stronger.

I’m tired because students are terrified to walk around campus.

I’m tired because there are people at my alma mater who are suffering, as well as at almost every academic institution in the United States.

I’m tired when I don’t see enough consequences being given to the true menaces to society who have no dogs in this fight.

I’m tired that proud Zionists aren’t afraid to show their faces, but when one takes the anti-Zionist approach, they have to mask up because deep down they know they are not doing the right thing.

I’m tired that they continue doing it knowing this is the case and shows true moral dissonance.

I’m tired that identifying criminals on trucks constitutes doxxing.

I’m tired that I actually have to defend how I love my Muslim brothers and sisters, and how I work among some who come from repressed societies too where there are millions of refugees and corrupt government entities, but yet are the hardest most honest workers you’d ever know.

I’m tired because I am excessively tolerant and Islamophobia is the furthest thing from my mind.

I’m tired because my only fight is that of global safety and the preservation of a Jewish land.

I’m tired of how emotionally draining and taxing that fight truly is.

I’m tired that I can’t even look at social media anymore because the hate is so strong, and it gets worse and worse.

I’m tired of fighting with trolls on social media.

I’m tired that the only place I can comfortably express myself is in writing.

I’m tired that all of the above has destroyed my mental and physical health.

I’m tired because I know I’m not alone but it certainly often feels that way.

I’m tired of not knowing how and when this anxiety and fear of losing more of our loved ones will subside.

I’m tired that my birthday came and went, and I made two wishes (one of them being to eradicate antisemitism), both of which didn’t come true.

I’m tired that on day 100, I made one of those wishes again, and we’re still waiting.

I’m tired that no good deed goes unpunished.

I’m tired of how our reality has pushed me further into a shell of despair, hearing and seeing the same story every day.

I’m tired that these families haven’t been reunited with their loved ones.

I’m tired when I look at pictures of fallen soldiers each day, worried that I might recognize a face.

I’m tired that people don’t understand that these soldiers want to minimize casualties as much as possible.

I’m tired of explaining that warnings are always issued before the fighting begins.

I’m tired that human shields, and in this case, hostages, are preventing us from getting the real masterminds behind this war.

I’m tired that the day it all happened, there was so much violence—and people still don’t believe it.

I’m tired that you could show them the 45 minute video and they still wouldn’t.

I’m tired that they also believe that the Holocaust was a fabrication. And let’s forget about all of the atrocities that occurred to Jews before 1933.

I’m tired that any woman would be believed in any other circumstance, unless they’re Jewish.

I’m tired of having to explain to my 9 and 11 year old daughters and my 7 year old son why we’re so hated.

I’m tired of the anxiety that provokes within these innocent, kind, good-natured children.

I’m tired that my WhatsApp at one point was blowing up with 5,000+ messages a day, to the point that I have turned off WhatsApp entirely and told people that if they want me, they have to reach me the old fashioned way.

I’m tired of the overwhelm.

I’m tired because I have learned some of my former colleagues’ true colors, to the point that I simply told one that I’d have to unfollow them on Instagram, but they took that a step further and blocked me on every single social media account.

I’m tired of the fact that this is who some people really are.

I’m tired that my congressman claims to represent his constituency, but his words and votes say otherwise.

I’m tired because I know my congressman was probably cheering last week when three stores at the local community shopping center were graffitied with anti-Jewish sentiment.

I’m tired because he didn’t say a thing.

I’m tired that every single day, I get 10-15 action items to pull movies from Netflix, to remove academics from their roles, to prevent education to youngsters about the atrocities in the world, to beg universities to disinvite people from speaking out against us, to fight for what’s right—and perhaps 0.5% of whatever we fight for is actually acted upon.

I’m tired of people who don’t bother learning from a book, but rather from a TikTok video.

I’m tired that you tell LGBTQAI+ people that they’d be killed in these countries and they’re still sympathetic to them, as if “it won’t ever happen to me.”

I’m tired that we can’t ship them all in a big box to those countries and let them see for themselves.

I’m tired that as much as I’m “distanced” from those it directly impacts, it feels very much like my own plight.

I’m tired because I’ve never felt closer to any cause in my entire life.

I’m tired of the misinformation.

I’m tired that the world isn’t safe for people like us.

I’m tired that security needs to be beefed up everywhere… and many are resentful of that fact, despite the fact that we are paying for it out of our own pockets.

I’m tired because what people don’t understand is that none of us feels morally superior to others, no one feels like we’re better, we’re just born different, with an ethno-religion, and some of us intend to maintain our strong identities for the duration of our lives and pass that onto our children, and we shouldn’t be penalized that we’re doing that as it doesn’t affect anyone else’s lives.

I’m tired because we’re simply minding our own business.

I’m tired that this is just another generation of the same shit.

I’m tired that there are so many other atrocities occurring throughout the world, but when the Jewish cause is part of the picture, all eyes are on the Jews and Israel and we’re the worst of the worst of the perpetrators.

I’m tired of the bullshit claim that anti-Zionism isn’t antisemitism.

I’m tired that if any other marginalized group was the subject to such vicious speech or attacks, the offenders would be immediately reprimanded, arrested, punished, and made to suffer consequences, but because the marginalized group in this case is the Jew, “it all depends on the context.”

I’m tired of explaining to people who don’t know a chasid from a yeshivish person from a Modern Orthodox person that the Neturei Karta are a fringe group that is incentivized by the very people who hate us and are not representative of our people.

I’m tired that there are so many amazing people to learn from, to follow, to read, to discover, and to get closer and closer to who I am as a Jew, but there is also so much sadness and devastation and hate that I cannot stomach reading any of it anymore.

I’m tired of hiding under the covers and wish that this was all a dream that I can wake up from.

I’m tired of not being able to find healthy distractions.

I’m tired because I actually do want to fight.

I’m tired because I can’t because all of the above has put my physical and mental health in shambles.

I’m tired that I am burning out like a flame who used to have so much fire in her.

I’m tired when I look at others who have so much fight in them, so much courage, and yet I see myself failing in comparison.

I’m tired because others have justification to burn out. I’m just some Zionist on the other side of the ocean.

I’m tired because it is not my style to burn out, I usually fight until the very end.

I’m tired because I know that’s still within me somewhere, but the physical consequences of the fight are making them hard to access.

I’m tired of fighting.

I’m tired because this list is far from exhaustive but I imagine you’re tired of reading it.

I’m tired that despite all this, I have no regrets and am proud to stand up for my community and what’s right even if I feel like I’m in a small minority.

I’m tired because as much as I’ve met so many amazing people since October 7th and we’ve heavily unified to save ourselves despite our stark differences and being everywhere on the Jewish spectrum, I wish it never happened.