Is the Love Delusion Shattering Marriage?

The very cornerstone of our existence, family, is slowly shattering. Once a universal expectation, it now seems a precarious privilege, reserved for an alarmingly shrinking few. How did we plummet to this abyss, where lifelong marital happiness is no longer a certainty? Even within the Hassidic enclaves, which I am proud to be part of, we stubbornly cling to a devastating delusion: that this plague is confined to the outside world. We are catastrophically wrong. A silent, venomous rot has seeped into our sanctuaries, a palpable danger we can no longer deny. Though we may appear marginally stronger than the world around us, any semblance of complacency poses an existential threat to our very continuity. We are compelled, by the very weight of our survival, to confront this existential catastrophe, not merely for our own preservation, but to safeguard the sacred heart of our society.

This insidious plague festers far beyond the ravaged remnants of broken homes. A surging rebellion of our youth, both men and women, are deliberately cutting themselves off from the very lifeblood of family. Some coldly disavow marriage, while others bitterly rail against their inability to find “the one.” This trend tears apart parents’ hearts, but it’s the singles themselves who are hemorrhaging most, often in blind oblivion. They are inflicting a profound, unseen wound upon themselves, and upon the very soul of our collective existence. What is the venomous genesis of this devastating contagion, and how can we stop its relentless obliteration?

In my previous work, I laid bare the harrowing truth of my marriage’s collapse—a divorce and subsequent remarriage to the same soul. A reader, Eli S., posed a question that tore apart the very fabric of my soul: “Was there a mindset, a concealed truth, that could have spared you a decade and more of unbearable pain?” The stark, devastating answer is yes. But this wisdom was a forbidden fruit, a truth too volatile for my teachers and mentors to unleash, even had they dared to believe it. I was compelled to wrest it forth through my own profound, solitary ordeal. Now, I offer it as a blazing beacon in the encroaching darkness, so others can forge a path through these treacherous times without being utterly consumed by the same devastating calamity.

The unflinching honesty of my own difficult journey revealed a core truth: marriage, like every vital aspect of our lives, demands a driving purpose. Every action we take, every decision we make, is rooted in a deep desire to achieve a specific goal. Without a compelling motivation, action is simply impossible. Marriage, too, is no exception. It must possess a clear, powerful purpose that both sparks the union and sustains it through the inevitable challenges ahead. Without this purpose, the marriage will either never truly begin, or, having started, will inevitably crumble. It is, therefore, an essential requirement for individuals to develop a strong vision of marriage that fulfills these fundamental needs, lest they face a life of repeated failed relationships.

Modern society has relentlessly drilled into us that marriage is the ultimate experience, a promised land of unparalleled bliss. Whether it’s the siren’s song of all-consuming romance, the deceptive illusion that marriage is the sole path to true happiness, or the insidious notion that personal growth is attainable only through its confines, the underlying message is clear: marriage is a transaction, a calculated pursuit of specific, tangible rewards. In the secular world, these rewards often manifest as fleeting materialistic pleasures—physical, or emotional. In spiritual circles, the promise is loftier: the attainment of a profound, transcendent destiny. But the core assumption remains: marriage is a means to a particular end, a calculated exchange. What if you find contentment outside this promised utopia? What if the promised rewards never materialize, leaving you with nothing but disillusionment?

What if the very act of expecting anything from marriage is the devious poison that inevitably kills it? It’s not that those desires are inherently unattainable, nor that they’re unlikely to surface. Rather, it’s the insidious act of making them the sole engine driving the union that ensures their ultimate destruction.

So, the burning question remains: what’s the purpose of marriage, if it’s not a mere exchange of benefits, then what purpose does it serve? Genesis whispers, “A man leaves his parents and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Bereshit/Genesis 2:24). This “one flesh” bond isn’t a transactional bargain; it’s a sacred, divinely woven necessity, completing human development, achieving biological and spiritual maturity. We are created as pairs to forge bonds that are meant to endure, not to be broken. It’s as fundamental as a limb, an extension of self. If a hand aches, it isn’t severed. We seek healing, or adapt to its presence. Only when marriage ascends to the profound understanding of an unbreakable, eternal union does its true magic awaken.

Couples I counsel often confide, “I’m not sure if I should tolerate this.” My response is unwavering: the mere presence of “if” signals the relationship’s greatest vulnerability. The Torah doesn’t promise any reward for marriage; it presents marriage as a fundamental, biological and spiritual imperative. When a man cleaves to his wife, he transcends childhood and embarks on true adulthood. It’s the pivotal moment a person relinquishes “me” for “we.” I cannot explain the divine design, but perhaps a cornerstone of psychological well-being is the recognition that absolute control is an illusion, and that accepting vulnerability to another is an essential exercise in fulfilling one’s destiny. Regardless of the reason, those in enduring, lifelong relationships experience this fundamental aspect of human existence, while those who remain single don’t. Marriage isn’t merely an optional venture; it is an integral aspect of human functionality.

Kabbalah illuminates the Sinai experience as a sacred marriage between God and Israel. To solidify this union, Israel collaboratively constructed a tabernacle in the desert, as it is written, “And let them make me a sanctuary; that I may dwell among them” (Shemot/Exodus 25:8). Israel became family to the Divine. The Torah portion of Terumah calls upon individuals to bring gold, silver, and copper for the Mishkan’s construction—each person offering what their heart moved them to give. There were no rigid expectations, no demands for equal shares. Every offering was cherished, for only these heartfelt, uncoerced contributions could manifest a fitting Mishkan, a joyous dwelling place for Israel and the Divine. This serves as an essential paradigm for marriage: each partner must consistently offer their unique gifts to the relationship. These gifts must arise from genuine dedication, not from a sense of obligation. We must always value our partner’s offerings, recognizing their inherent worth, even if they are perceived as significantly inferior to our own. Conversely, if a partner inflicts pain through persistently bothersome behaviors, the afflicted should not question their ability to endure. They must accept this as an inseparable part of their being, akin to an arm attached to their shoulder. Instead, they must ask: “How can I learn to navigate this? How can I cherish this person with all their strengths and flaws?” This is the sacred dance of marriage: the sole method of personal perfection, a symphony of selfless giving and unconditional acceptance.

The reading of “Shekalim” (Shemot/Exodus 30:11-16) adds a profound layer of meaning. Every individual, rich or poor, contributed exactly a half-shekel for the Mishkan’s specific needs. No one was permitted to give more or less. Why a half-shekel? It appears incomplete, even broken. The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, reveals that this half-shekel symbolizes our individual incompleteness and our inherent need for connection with another. This “other half” represents God Himself, who partners with Israel in sacred union. In this divine relationship, God’s contribution vastly surpasses our own, yet He regards us as equal partners. We offer our half, and God gives His, making us whole. Neither is seemingly complete without the other. The message for marriage is clear: both partners must perceive their contributions as absolutely equal, irrespective of perceived differences. Without their spouse, they are broken, pun intended, and only together are they completely whole.

Rosh Chodesh, the new lunar month, reveals another profound truth. The Jewish calendar, a testament to cyclical renewal, celebrates not the moon’s highest point, but its fragile rebirth from absolute darkness. This celestial dance mirrors the very essence of marriage: bright full moons of passionate love, and dark nights of deep doubt. There will be times when all hope withers, when the marriage appears irrevocably broken. It is precisely in those deeply challenging moments that the marriage confronts its ultimate trial. If it perseveres until the faintest spark of renewed love ignites, it is a victory worth celebrating. Then, the marriage ascends to a higher plane, bathed in an almost certain, luminous dawn. Tragically, countless marriages shatter at this critical point, foregoing the transcendent heights of this profound connection, victims of flawed societal misconceptions and tragic indoctrination.

Marriage, at its core, is a journey of profound upliftment and enduring purpose, even when that purpose is obscured. For this very reason, the Creator instilled within us powerful natural instincts to unite us and help us remain together. Prolonged singleness, regardless of its origin, leaves an individual profoundly incomplete. The single soul, whether consciously aware or not, bears a burden heavier than they may realize. Therefore, we need to strive to achieve wholeness for everyone. Those in a challenging marriage, know that you have already traversed half the distance. Now, embrace the path before you. Cherish your partner for the unique being they are, and allow the divine to gradually reveal the intricate tapestry of His design. For within the sacred dance of marriage lies the key to unlocking a life of transcendent fulfillment. Just as the moon, after its darkest phase, re-emerges with renewed brilliance, so too can your marriage rise from the depths, ascend to a higher plane, and bathe in an almost certain, luminous dawn. Do not let flawed societal misconceptions and tragic indoctrination rob you of this transcendent experience.