Israel on the cheap

Yesterday, due to a glitch, roundtrip tickets to Israel were sold between $300 and $400… a metziya or bargain in any language.

Whether you purchased or not, you should always read the fine print. Here’s my version of that fine print:

1. This is a no slamming Israel ticket, during or after your stay. No complaining about the heat, Israelis, (taxi) drivers, government policies or hutzpa.

2. This is a pilot trip ticket. This affords you the opportunity to plan your aliya to Israel. Interview for work, check out communities and speak to olim, new and old. If you think this ticket was cheap, your next one will be free, paid by the Jewish Agency.

3.This is a Nusach Sfarad ticket. Calling it the koSel is forbidden. It is pronounced Kotel only. Beware.

4. This is a water conserving ticket. You can shower only once a day for seven minutes. Rubber duckies allowed.

5. This is a blue and white ticket. You must visit one classic Zionist museum/exhibition, sing Hatikva each day and learn the names of all of Israel’s presidents by-heart.

6. This is an Ivrit-only ticket. Between noon and 13:00 you must speak the Holy Language. Arab (curse) words not included.

7. This is a spending trip. The money that you save on airfare must be spent supporting Israeli artisans and the Israeli economy. Go ahead. Buy all your Bar/Bar Mitzvah, wedding, anniversary, birthday gifts here as well as Israeli music and books to take home for your personal library.

8. This is a singing ticket. You must sing one Israeli song a day, preferably with the Russian chambermaid and Yemeni falafel store owner.

9. This is a photographic mission ticket. You must snap photos of spectacular Israeli terrain and share widely.

10. This is a social media ticket. All postings on Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler, Pinterest must be tagged #theresnoplacelikehome.

11. This is a Jewish geography ticket. You must chat up fellow passengers on planes, taxis, trains, light rail and buses to find out if your spouse’s grandmother’s aunt’s doctor’s horse trainer is a relative. And then invite each other to your smachot.

Welcome to Israel.