The recent stunning and unparalleled influx of Anglows from all parts of the Inglish-speaking world in record numbers, the equivalent of doubling the Israeli population, has led to a seismological transformation of the Israeli political scene just as the country is about to embark upon the final stages of its latest election campaign. The last-minute entry of the new Anglow Party led by the charismatic Cambridge-educated Shayke Sapir promises to turn this latest round of elections completely upside down due to the unprecedented support that the new party can expect to receive on election day, due in no small measure to the following Anglow party campaign promises:
In the event of the Anglow Party winning the election and being called upon to form the next Israel government, the following basic statutes will be executed as listed in the daily edition of the newly-founded English-language daily, Dee Anglow Times:
- Every Anglow voter will receive a new 6-room apartment for having left the Diaspora to settle in Israel and answer the call to vote.
- Hebrew will henceforth be written in both Hebrew and English characters with rough translations next to each text in order to make daily life easier for the Anglow newcomers.
- In order to help native Israelis overcome the English language barrier English ulpanim known as Engloosim will be set up in every neighborhood.
- Cricket and baseball will become an integral part of Israeli sports culture and large areas of our land will be set aside for pitches and stadiums. Israelis will be taught the basics of these outstanding sports.
Native Israelis of all shades, shapes and sizes are looking horrified at the potentially damaging impact of the Anglowization of Israel and the Israel way of life and culture, if the Anglow Party wins the majority, and no party or leader seems capable of offering a solution to this heartbreaking problem. Even the world-famous ex-Anglow, Bibi, is throwing his hands up in despair.
There is even a rapidly growing language problem because many native Israelis now tend to speak in a kind of combination of Hebrew and English called Inglbrew. Not only that, but the popular feminine form of Hebrew called Shebrew has led to the creation of a parallel English feminine form called Sheeglish.
In his post-election victory speech on Israeli TV, the Anglow Party leader, Shayke Sapir, explained in perfect Shakespearean English that the Anglow invasion of Israel was not solely due to fears of the pandemic raging uncontrollably in all English-speaking countries but rather to the long-cherished desire of all English-speaking Diaspora Jews to turn their beloved Israel from a Start-Up Nation into a real Up-Start Nation which can only be achieved under the unique leadership of the new Anglow Party and its inspiring vision of a glorious future for Israel and all mankind.
The leader’s inspiring words were rendered into nigh-perfect Hebrew by a gifted Anglow-Israeli translator, Jacob Jake Leviticus.
We should point out, with reference to Israel being the Up-Start Nation, that there are still many Israelis whose command of Inglish is still fluid, who persist in proudly calling Israel “the Shut-Up Nation.”
Incidentally, people often ask me why they are called Anglows, and I explain patiently it is because of the unique and inspiring glow that emanates from their angular English-shaped features whenever they speak in English. However, there are some who attribute it to the ancient Anglow-Saxon sport of fishing called Anglering!!!
David Herman, Anglow-Israeli Humorist