Jewish & Black: Identity and My Children

How Self-Acceptance and Openness Shaped Our Family’s Journey Toward Pride and Inclusivity 

Introduction 

In my last post, I delved into my early experiences of recognizing and grappling with racism and the impact it had on my self-worth and identity. 

In this post, I will discuss how these formative experiences influenced my approach to parenting. I will explore how I needed to accept myself to guide my children. Once I embraced my biracial ethnicity, I was able to instill in my children a powerful sense of self-pride. Join me as I reflect on the pivotal moments that shaped our family’s journey toward embracing our diverse ethnicity. 

Teaching My Children 

I initially adopted a strategy like the one my parents used with me, avoiding discussions about our racial background to shield my children from the painful experiences I endured in my own childhood. They did not even notice that I was darker than the rest of my immediate family. However, as they entered middle school, questions arose. 

This quasi-secret I harbored felt like a weight over my head. It became a burden, as if there was something inherently wrong with my biracial ethnicity. Although I always felt loved and accepted by the Lubavitcher Rebbe, I needed to internalize that it was not just a matter of the Rebbe loving us despite our flaws. 

My oldest child, my son, was eleven or twelve years old when an extended family member mentioned to him that I was Black. My son was angry. He felt that I had deceived him and deprived him of an element of his identity. He also blamed me for keeping him away from a grandfather he never knew he had. At first, I was upset. I felt he was selfish, disregarding my pain and lived experiences. This was a pivotal moment in both my education of my children and my self-growth. 

Another key moment came when my older two daughters were working on a major middle school project, which required them to research their ‘family tree’ and ancestry. This project, compounded with my son finding out from a relative that I was Black, forced me to reflect deeply. I realized that I needed to address my own pain and trauma and find internal peace to properly guide my children. Once I began addressing our identity with my children, along with my own journey of healing, I knew I had to remind them how special they were to me and their infinite value to the world at large. 

Recognizing Infinite Value 

In the Chassidic work Derech Mitzvosecha, written by the third Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Lubavitch (the Tzemach Tzedek), the discourse on Ahavas Yisroel (Love for Fellow Jews), which I learned as a teenager, became a fundamental principle of mine. The Tzemach Tzedek writes: 

The mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel is based on the recognition that every Jewish soul is a part of G-d above, as it says in Tanya, Chapter 32. This divine spark within each individual bestows infinite value upon them. When one truly appreciates this inner divine essence, it fosters genuine love and unity among all Jews, regardless of external differences.

With the help of a good therapist, I internalized what I already understood intellectually. I recognized that the problem was not me but rather the people around me and their perceptions of Blacks. The fault was with them, not with me. 

As the Ba’al Shem Tov, the founder of Chassidus, taught: 

Your fellow is your mirror. If your own face is clean, so will be the image you perceive. But should you look upon your fellow and see a blemish, it is your own imperfection that you are encountering – you are being shown what it is that you must correct within yourself. 

I am blessed that my challenges forced me to explore my identity and helped shape my understanding of acceptance. I believe that my internalizing these principles helped me guide and educate my children. By embracing my Black identity, I found a way to reconcile my experiences and foster a more inclusive environment for my children. With the help of my wife, we have also instilled a powerful sense of self-pride in our children. 

Conclusion 

Reflecting on my journey, I do not believe young children care about racial differences. I am concerned that as children mature, they begin to question ethnicity and absorb social influences from their parents, communities, and surroundings. 

Through the teachings of Chassidus, I have learned that our strength lies in our diversity and our shared commitment to spreading goodness and kindness. As I have experienced with my kids, I am certain that we can influence our children to recognize the inherent value in every individual. 

As we are taught in the teachings of Chassidus, and a theme the Lubavitcher Rebbe stressed repeatedly: 

Every individual is a precious gem, a world unto themselves. The world was created for each and every person.