Gay relationships are about love, not sex. But, to get the sex obsession out of the way, let me just state that there is no need for Jewish Law to order ways how same-sex couples should do sex. Just like the Rabbis were very hesitant to prescribe any sexual behavior for Straights. It’s up to them.
OK, one thing more about sex then. A lesbian couple could incorporate some celebration (and anticipation period) of the menstrual cycle, not to ignore it or make it insignificant. Once a month, a gay couple could do something similar to celebrate renewal. It could coincide with a visit to the mikvah (river, sea), or the hairdresser. Just, abstinence seems unfitting.
But, who should light Shabbat candles? Who makes Kiddush? Over whose family’s Kiddush cup? Who cuts the bread? Whose pronunciation tradition to follow? Whose to pass on to the children? Who blesses the kids (first)?
For heterosexual couples, Jewish Law makes life easy. Men do this, women do that, his tradition’s followed. There’s an un-determinedness (freedom) for same-sex couples, though, that requires thought. There’s no need for general, new rules. Let’s look at the issues such couples could consider.
Does one of the two feel more like a ‘natural’ leader? Is one a greater expert in relationships? And, do you both need to acknowledge that? Or would you rather build the self-confidence in the shyer introverted one?
Is the tradition of one more rarely passed on? In which community do they want to live? How to create unity throughout their nuclear family?
Does one have greater social privilege? This may show itself in a tendency in both spouses to prioritize the needs of one of them. (Like: One to talk first always and almost all the time.) This could be from ethnic, beauty, age, gender/femininity, economic (class) differences. You might want to support the leadership of the socially ‘weaker’ party. The other will profit too, from not ‘having’ to lead and acting more humbly. Both will flourish.
Maybe both partners need support for being visible leaders. Then they could take turns. Not: one does this and the other does that. That’s making no one a leader. No, rather: one for one month, the other for the next.
Would you want to use the talents of each for what they are good at, as in an emergency? Or would you choose to have each do the things they are bad at, stimulating growth? This should include permission to be clumsy at it, and making mistakes. What goals could each set for themselves? To get less angry (Cry instead!), more patient (Cry!), more humble (Cry!), etc.
Most importantly, the couple should think together about how to do it. And, after some time, evaluate how it’s going, and if adjustments/changes are called for. Thinking about this should be taken as an opportunity to celebrate and to celebrate each other, not as a dreadful chore.
Watch out that criticisms (if at all) will be fewer than 10% of the praises.
Both partners should try to have sex and all of life in order to make the other happy. Mutual giving is Paradise. Mutual hoarding is Hell. Don’t stay with someone who’s not generous to you and also won’t be.
The best part of all of the above is that I’m not a rabbi, and no one needs to listen to me. I’m just trying to be helpful.
Shabbat shalom and happy T”u be’Av (Jewish Valentine’s Day)!