Jewish Wisdom on Family Finances Can Save Relationships

If you’re planning to take on financial stress to do something that you think will lead to a happier relationship with your spouse – think a lot more about the potential consequences. What you’re planning to do may not lead to the desired improvement in your relationship. Instead, the financial stress could lead to conflict and damage your relationship. Studies show that financial stress is a common cause of divorce.

When I coach men on relationships, it is common for them to tell me that they are financially stressed. I share with them Jewish wisdom from the Talmud, which in tractate Bava Metzia 59a advises: “Be careful with family finances, as quarrels are most common in homes where there is financial stress. Financial problems can bring out or worsen problems in a marriage that would not have otherwise arisen.”

It advises avoiding investments that can cause financial stress in the short term — even if in the long term the investment may be profitable. It is not worth risking the stress on your relationship.

I coach men that if financial stress in their home is due to overspending, they need to take responsibility and get spending under control for the sake of their relationship. If the financial stress leads to a break-up, people may ask, “Why did you let it go on? Why didn’t you take more responsibility for the finances and protect your relationship?”

Luxuries

I’ve coached men who thought the way to help their floundering relationship was a bigger house, expensive renovations or luxurious gifts. They thought it would help regain their partner’s love and respect.

They learned the hard way that spending large amounts of money didn’t help their relationship. It didn’t help them regain the love and respect they wanted.

They realized that when there are challenges in a relationship, the lack of a big house, expensive renovations and other luxuries was not the cause of their problems.

They also learned that if they can’t afford it, they have to say no for the sake of preserving their relationship. And if they went along, they don’t avoid responsibility by blaming their spouse when their financial situation becomes difficult.

Two thousand years ago, Rabbi Akiva shared relationship-saving wisdom that is so fresh and relevant – it’s as if it was written today. In tractate Shabbat 25b he taught that a man who wants to be wealthy to buy luxuries for his wife will never be wealthy because his wife will never be satisfied.

One man told me that when he learned this, he felt a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. If spending a large amount of money wasn’t going to make a difference in improving his relationship, there was no need to do it and work long hours to pay for it.

He focused on applying what Rabbi Akiva also taught on Shabbat 25b, “Who is truly rich? A man married to a wife whose ways are pleasant, who doesn’t demand a lot of material things and who along with her husband appreciates what they have.”

That is true richness – a richness that money can’t buy.