Jewish wisdom on why you shouldn’t blame your wife when things go wrong

You do not avoid responsibility by blaming your wife when something goes wrong – even if she pressured you into it.

From where can we learn this important lesson?

In the book of Genisis, Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden. They have one commandment: Don’t eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.

Eve eats it and then she tries to get Adam to eat it. There’s a medrash – a commentary – that says first she tried to trick him by squeezing it into juice but he refused it. Then she argued with him and he still said no. Then she screamed at him until he couldn’t take it anymore and he gave in. He ate the fruit.

Then Adam hid in the bushes and God asked him: “Adam did you eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge that I commanded you not to eat?”

What did Adam do? Did he take responsibility for what happened?

Not at all. He said to God, “The woman you sent me gave it to me and I ate it.”

He gave in to something he knew was wrong and then he blamed his wife.

I had thought only men today did that.

Does blaming Eve help Adam avoid responsibility? Does God say – as Adam probably wanted — “Adam, I understand. She pushed you into it. You’re not responsible for what happened.”

No, the opposite happened. He punished Adam for eating the fruit and for listening to Eve without using his own judgment.

I’ve heard a lot of men tell similar stories. A man complains that his wife pressured him into something wrong and when it went wrong, like he thought it could, he blamed her.

A husband I was coaching told me that he complained to his father-in-law that he and his wife were in a financially difficult situation because of all the things she wanted. He had expected his father-in-law to side with his daughter and was surprised when he said it didn’t matter what she wanted – he was the man.

He thought his father-in law was old fashioned.

It may sound old-fashioned – but it’s a man’s responsibility to make his wife feel safe and protected. Part of that responsibility is to say no when his wife wants something not affordable that could lead to financial stress in the family.

When a husband blames his wife, he is shirking that responsibility. People will ask him, “Why did you let it go on?”

As Adam and a lot of other men since the time of Adam have experienced, there is little sympathy for a man who blames his wife for something that has gone wrong. Take responsibility. Don’t even think about blaming your wife.