Kinderlach or kinderless?

The Meeting

Chaos reigned supreme as shrieks and laughter echoed through the large room, reverberating off the walls like the clamorous calls of wild animals. Furniture was overturned and the floor was littered with puddles of brown, shoko liquid along with all sorts of graffiti and toys. Remnants of a makeshift fort lay abandoned, and a cacophony of Hebrew voices clashed only to be momentarily silenced by the loud thump of a small head bouncing against a wall, followed by two bigger people running to his rescue. Was this scene of a riot gone wrong? A government out of control?

No.

It was my in-laws annual (large) family get-together.

I have just described a recent event of my extended family spending shabbat together after a hiatus of almost a year because of the war. An otherwise common phenomenon here in this small country. But in many other places in the world, this type of scene is becoming more and more rare….for no other reason than the refusal of younger generations to have children at all.  

Global Birth Rates

The large majority of developed countries are seeing the fertility rates of their civilians dropping at an unprecedented pace, currently at 1.5 children/female, over half the rate since the 1960’s. Some of the lowest are in Spain, South Korea and Japan, leveling at 1 child or less. And despite the immense efforts of some countries like South Korea to reverse this pattern, numbers continue to dwindle. Decades ago, philosophers and thinkers were predicting the exact opposite pattern; too many people to accommodate on earth. Yet, that no longer seems to be the case. What was once assumed to be the population boom turned into the population burst. 

Why? 

The most common assumption is that people can no longer afford children. Inflation has affected most of the world and it’s harder more than ever to buy a house. But there are some challenges with that assertion. Nordic countries have socialist policies in place to make it cheap to raise children and South Korea has recently implemented generous financial incentives in having children. Yet, in both of these areas, the birth rate continues to decline. 

Another popular theory is that individuals feel too uncertain about the future. The past decade has featured periods of immense economic instability, a pandemic, a few major wars. The future on the other hand holds in store catastrophic changes to our world due to global warming. So the logic goes why would anyone want to bring children into a world of such horrors. 

There are challenges to this logic. For instance, if one is indeed scared of what the future holds, wouldn’t the more constructive solution be to equip the world with educated children who can fight to make the world better and safer? Or should we leave it to the parents who just care less?

Israel Stands Out….Again

There is one place in the developed world, where we don’t see such a pattern. Israel. Whereas the average rate currently is 1.5 children per woman, Israel is almost double at 2.9. 

But when we consider the mentioned reasons why people are not having children, Israel should then be on bottom of the list. Israel holds one of the largest costs of living in the world. True the country offers universal education and health care, but has anyone here try to buy a house recently? Maybe just a door for the house? Toothpaste?

And regarding the second popular explanation, that child-rearing decisions are determined based on the level of trauma and concern for the future…

If we Israeli adults were taking future uncertainty as a major factor as to whether to have children, we would all instantly become hermits and the Bamba baby would have resort to drinking, realizing it was time to finally to grow up.  

And yet, Israelis are still reproducing as usual. And this pattern is not restricted to the Hareidim or Arabs. Across populations, the birth rate is still higher than similar groups around the developed world.

There are a few explanations why Israel could be the exception. Perhaps the strong pressure of religion. A culture immensely focused on family. The tactless nudging of older Israeli parents insisting their kin provide them grandchildren. 

But when we see in other places of the world why in fact the younger generations are indeed refusing parenthood, it seems that the answer is clear. 

The Truth Comes Out

In a Pew Research study in 2021 in the US, when millennials and GenZ’s were asked if they plan to have children, 44% said not likely. When asked why they weren’t planning to have children, 56% (the largest given reason, far above financial reasons or global warming), was “that they don’t want kids.” 

At first glance, this seems kind of shocking. Yet, I really don’t believe the message here is that millennials and GenZ’s don’t like children. If anything, this is probably one of the most sympathetic generations. I wouldn’t be surprised if many of those would follow up saying it’s because they don’t think they would be good parents. And despite the fact that the younger generations are much better equipped with effective styles of reinforcement and good communication than ever, they may be immensely afraid of causing suffering. 

But is this in all honestly a legitimate reason to refrain from becoming a parent? And does that mean we Israelis are sadists?

I think that the challenge is feeling confident in ourselves. And being okay with a little selfishness. We can consider that a career is more important currently, or that traveling the world is a greater ambition or that we don’t have to screw up another generation like our parents did, but there is something immensely gratifying about seeing a miniature piece of one’s self that nothing else in the world can offer. And I believe that Israelis understand that. 

My Personal TakeAway

When I first entered into my new Israeli family through my wife almost 10 years ago, I was a shocked to say the least. At the time, her parents prided themselves with 7 children and almost 40 grandchildren. Since then, that number has risen to over 50 and one great grandchild. And oy voy voy if several months go by without some type of get-together. Culminating into this family took a lot of work (and notecards…70 names to remember is tough). Add to that their adherent and complex Yemenite tradition, and you got a very bashful Ashkenazi doing whatever he can to avoid attention. But one thing I learnt from this experience is the absolute grandeur of being a parent. 

You see, at rare moments during these family get-togethers, when my ears adjust to the noise and I finally succeed in desensitizing myself to the many ways these children, including my own, can use another space to creatively hurt themselves, I am able to glimpse at my parents-in-law, sitting peacefully on the side, and witness their pride. And I am in awe. 

I realize that this is not the lifestyle for everyone and that the case I described is exceptional even in Israel. As a young parent, myself, I can’t deny struggling with exhaustion, frustration and all sorts of negative emotions. It’s really hard. Sometimes, dark and impossible. But then, I consider the alternative. Of never having these little people; never challenging myself to the extent that I do everyday and discover a whole new side of me I never knew existed. Never having these sudden feelings of immense pride and joy, no matter how short-lived, that I never experienced in any other context. That I can call myself a dad.

And that makes all the difference.

God help me, though, if I ever had to get a seven-seater.