Know When to Speak — and When to Stop

At a recent Sheva Berachot, during Parashat Shoftim, I was thinking about what one might say to a young couple at the beginning of their life together.
The Torah begins the parashah with a familiar command:

“Judges and officers you shall appoint for yourself in all your gates.” (Devarim 16:18)

The words “for yourself” are striking. The Torah is speaking about the judges and officers who must be appointed to govern society, but the wording also carries a personal message. Every person has gates that need to be guarded.

Our eyes. Our ears. And, perhaps most importantly, our mouths.

And at those gates, we need two figures: a shofet, a judge, and a shoter, an officer.

The shofet represents the ability to stop and think before passing judgment. In a marriage, that means learning to look at the person beside us with a good eye. To remember the good in the person with whom we have chosen to build our home. Not to rush to interpret every word or action negatively, but to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

A husband comes home tired and his wife seems distracted. A wife asks her husband a question and he answers impatiently. There are many ways to interpret such moments.

The shofet says: Stop. Look again. Perhaps there is another explanation. Perhaps the person in front of you is tired. Perhaps something happened during the day. Perhaps the words sounded harsher than they were meant to be.

The first task is to judge correctly. But sometimes, even when we know what is right, we find it difficult to act that way in the moment. That is where the shoter comes in. The shoter represents the ability to restrain ourselves.

When we are tired. When we are under pressure. When something does not go exactly as we wanted. When we already have an answer ready on the tip of our tongue… The shoter says: Don’t speed to answer back. Not everything we think needs to be said. Not everything we feel needs to be expressed immediately. Sometimes we need to take a breath, give the other person a moment, and think before we respond. And sometimes the wisest words are the words we choose not to say.

This is one of the great lessons we can take from Parashat Shoftim into married life: The shofet teaches us how to see. The shoter teaches us to put the brakes on ourselves before we react.

The shofet asks: Am I seeing this person fairly? The shoter asks: Even if I am right, is this the right time to speak?

That distinction can make a tremendous difference in a Jewish home. There are moments when something needs to be said. There are also moments when saying it will accomplish nothing except creating tension. Wisdom is not only knowing what to say. It is knowing when to say it—and when to remain silent.

This does not mean ignoring difficulties or avoiding necessary conversations. A husband and wife must be able to speak honestly with one another. But even when something needs to be said, it matters greatly how and when it is said.

Sometimes the right response is to wait until both are calm. Sometimes it is to choose a gentler word. And sometimes it is simply to let something go. When a home has both qualities—good judgment and self-restraint, understanding and patience—it becomes a place of kavod, menuchah and shalom.

And that was the thought I wanted to leave with the young couple at their Sheva Berachot:

May you always have “shoftim and shotrim at the gates” of your home—the wisdom to see the good in one another, to judge one another favorably, and the self-control to know when to speak, when to wait, and sometimes when simply to smile and move on.

May you always appreciate one another, respect one another, and, when necessary, know how to give way to one another.

And may you merit to build together a Bayit Ne’eman B’Yisrael—a faithful Jewish home, filled with shalom, simchah, brachah and kedushah.