Leavings and Liminal Space: Vayetzei

PICTURE OF RABBI MICHAEL GRAETZ AT 80 YEARS OLD (courtesy)

This has been a crazy week for me and my family. We sat shiva in my home, surrounded by children, grandchildren, friends and people from all over the country, and participated in two international zooms. It was exhausting. When one’s husband is a great man, everyone has something to say. And when one’s children are all renowned in their own ways, the house was constantly full. Yet miraculously, we never had to order a tent or borrow chairs. And no one was ever left standing, even during the packed minyanim we had twice a day.  Yesterday I had a session with my modern midrash group in which I connected meaningful deaths of biblical characters with my husband, Rabbi Michael Graetz’s life and ending.  The session is available on YouTube if anyone is interested. So, I decided to take a look at parshat vayetzei to see if I could make any similar connections and as usual the parsha speaks directly to me and my family.

The parsha starts with “Jacob left Beersheba, and set out for Haran” (Genesis 28:10). My son told me that his journey from Los Angeles to Omer (which is near B7) was the mirror opposite of Jacob’s journey, who left B7 and then at the end of the parsha returns. So that was connection one.  And this was also the case for my family who live north of B7. And after the shiva was over they returned home. But what was most meaningful to me was Jacob’s dream:

He came upon a certain place and stopped there for the night, for the sun had set. Taking one of the stones of that place, he put it under his head and lay down in that place.  He had a dream; a stairway was set on the ground and its top reached to the sky, and messengers of God were going up and down on it.  And standing beside him was יהוה, who said, “I am יהוה, the God of your father Abraham’s [house] and the God of Isaac’s [house]: the ground on which you are lying I will assign to you and to your offspring.  Your descendants shall be as the dust of the earth; you shall spread out to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south. All the families of the earth shall bless themselves by you and your descendants.  Remember, I am with you: I will protect you wherever you go and will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”  Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, “Surely יהוה is present in this place, and I did not know it!”  Shaken, he said, “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the abode of God, and that is the gateway to heaven” (Genesis 28 11-17).

My husband, before he died, hovered between the sky and the earth. He was lucid until the end and God was with him, in the sense that mortal “angels” accompanied him on his trip from this world to the next. They included family, close friends, the doctors and nurses who kept him alive so that he could live to see his three children, many rabbis (including my two children who are rabbis), members of interfaith groups. Not only that, but when Jacob awoke, he said “How awesome is this place”. My husband, whose optimism never left him, even on his deathbed, was wowed by how awesome everything was. This included the best restaurants he went to regularly, the best sauna in our pool, the best doctors who treated him, the best hospital in Israel, where he passed away. He was so positive and enthusiastic about everything.  I could go on, but the list is too long. And even the next passage speaks to me:

Early in the morning, Jacob took the stone that he had put under his head and set it up as a pillar and poured oil on the top of it.  He named that site Bethel; but previously the name of the city had been Luz.  Jacob then made a vow, saying, “If God remains with me, protecting me on this journey that I am making, and giving me bread to eat and clothing to wear, and I return safe to my father’s house— יהוה shall be my God.  And this stone, which I have set up as a pillar, shall be God’s abode; and of all that You give me, I will set aside a tithe for You” (Genesis 28 18-22).

One of the first things we did when we got up from shiva was to go and discuss what kind of a stone, a matzevah, we wanted in the cemetery. The place is located centrally with a reserved place for me by his side at some point in the future.

RABBI MICHAEL GRAETZ’S BURIAL PLACE IN OMER (courtesy)

Unlike Jacob, my husband did not bargain with God—he had trust. His faith was much stronger than mine, and I admired him for that strength. Yet, he did ask for a bit more time, when the doctors explained to him that the medicine that was keeping him alive was not working, and he said that maybe there would be a miracle, so they gave him one more dose, good for four more hours.

And finally, so many people asked how we met and I told them the story of how when I was 15, his roommate brought him to our house the second day of Passover. Michael saw something in me, there was a spark and immediate connection on his part; yet he waited and only called me in November 1959 for our first date. So when I saw how Jacob met Rachel, the story spoke to me.  But there was a big difference. In those days, one did not kiss one another on the first date.

And when Jacob saw Rachel, the daughter of his uncle Laban, and the flock of his uncle Laban, Jacob went up and rolled the stone off the mouth of the well, and watered the flock of his uncle Laban.  Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and broke into tears (Genesis 29: 10-11).

However, we did wait five years until we got married in 1963. Not quite as long as Jacob waited for Rachel.

Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older one was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.  Leah had weak eyes; Rachel was shapely and beautiful.  Jacob loved Rachel; so, he answered, “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel.”  Laban said, “Better that I give her to you than that I should give her to an outsider. Stay with me.”  So, Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her (Genesis 29:16-20).

And finally, many people asked us when and how we came to Israel. In 1967 we came, planning to stay only for two years, but never left. Thus we returned to our ancestral land, just like Jacob:

Then יהוה said to Jacob, “Return to your ancestors’ land—where you were born—and I will be with you.” (Genesis 31:3).

There were some challenges on the way, namely Laban who wasn’t too happy about losing his daughters. And that reminded me of my father, who when he heard that we were going to Israel was afraid he would never live to see grandchildren. He was a great Zionist and understood the call.

And Laban said to Jacob, “What did you mean by keeping me in the dark and carrying off my daughters like captives of the sword?  Why did you flee in secrecy and mislead me and not tell me? I would have sent you off with festive music, with timbrel and lyre.  You did not even let me kiss my sons and daughters good-by! It was a foolish thing for you to do (Genesis 31:26-28).

We had many goodbyes and in the aftermath of the Six Day War people were very supportive of our going to Israel. We were sent off with festive events, not with timbrel and lyre, yet there was even a fund raising event in Madison Square Garden to which we were invited and “paraded” as going to Israel.

In the end Jacob made a pact with his father-in-Law and it turned out that Laban really cared about his daughters, for this is what he said:

“May יהוה watch between you and me, when we are out of sight of each other.  If you ill-treat my daughters or take other wives besides my daughters—though no one else be about, remember, it is God who will be witness between you and me.”  (Genesis 31: 46-52).

Despite the bad rap Laban gets in the midrash, he is in my “good books” for this statement and my husband was so protective and admiring of our two girls, and of course of our son as well.

AND THUS ENDS THE CHAPTER

Early in the morning, Laban kissed his sons and daughters and bade them good-by; then Laban left on his journey homeward.  Jacob went on his way, and messengers of God encountered him.  When he saw them, Jacob said, “This is God’s camp.” So he named that place Mahanaim (Genesis 32: 1-3).

We made our farewells and our son and two daughters were with Michael until his very last breath, in that liminal space between life and death, accompanying him on his last trip.

BURIAL WREATHS COVERING THE PLACE OF BURIAL

May my husband’s memory be for a blessing.  יהי זכרו ברוך