Lifeshocks come – sometimes 3 in one night

Last night, I found out Miriam is no longer with us. I also found out my beloved cousin Melissa, who I am extremely close with, passed away from Glioblastoma. And then Bayla, my best friend (read: sister), sent me a picture of her baby boy who had just been born. 

These are called lifeshocks. Lifeshocks are sent to us by life-  and then we get to decide how to deal with them. Life happens and it’s how we work through the lifeshocks, with the help of G-d, the universe, your Higher Power -whatever – that makes us better or worse versions of ourselves.  

We could be receptive with open hands, accepting that the lifeshock is reality and reality is living life on life’s terms. We can take any tragedy or difficult moment  with the energy of “yes”, and use that energy to keep living and create changes in our universe for the better. 

Or we could take the lifeshock, and reject it, with “no” energy, and fall apart and sink into dark places. 

Eli Sharabi and Yarden Bibas are examples of people who took the “yes” approach. 

But at that precise moment, when the lifeshock presents itself, one has the power to choose. This is what I learned in More to Life workshops the last 6 months. 

A lifeshock is just something that happens, and it’s our mindtalk (the scripts we write in our heads around the lifeshock) that determines the narrative behind it. A dog’s poop on the sidewalk and a sunset are the same in the sense that they are both parts of nature, but one we reject and label as disgusting and the other, we accept and label it beauty. But are they so different in their cores? Or are we determining the meaning behind them with our acceptance/rejection?

Life and death are the two opposite sides of life. One is the entry into the world, the other is the exit of the world. Both, are in essence, the same. But as humans, we glue our mindtalk to these experiences, labeling birth as happy and death as tragic.

The challenge that is presented to me today is to see it all, all these three lifeshocks given to me on one night, as blank canvases without being escorted by the meaning society has intertwined with them. I need to step back, listen to my mind talk, and make a decision: will I have yes energy or no energy? Will I reject and disintegrate into depression, or will I receive and accept life as it is- and give myself the space and time to feel grief, and keep going. 

Miriam- a trailblazer

For every one line I write about Miriam, there will be two more lines I can’t write. For her sake, maybe for my sake, and just out of respect. I will share what I can. 

I met Miriam on my first day at United Hatzalah, December 2016. I was introduced to a charedei woman, very beautiful and angelic, sheital and stockings, married to a special man named Adam, and they had 5 little kids and lived in Sharei Chesed. She was the founder and pioneer of the Psychotrauma and Crisis Response Unit which you can hear all about on the podcast episode I did with her here. I am so happy this podcast exists, despite the fact it caused tremendous controversy at United Hatzalah… and my ultimate leaving of Hatzalah actually stemmed from an argument over this exact podcast episode. That story itself can’t be told publicly, but I can say this: I am so glad that podcast and her legacy exists on this platform. 

Miriam was adopted, a direct descendent of Pocahontas (she loved that she was blonde and white, yet had native American blood in her) and did not have an easy childhood growing up in Texas. She became more religious in High School and went to Maor seminary, a very prestigious yeshivish seminary in Bayit Vegan. On the podcast, she tells more of her background, but in short, soon after seminary she married Adam, a Doctor and medic, and then lived in Australia for a few years acting as the dispatcher for Hatzalah there. When they moved back to Israel, she was part of the first group of female medics that graduated at United Hatzalah. Together, her and Adam, were the dream team. Together they would go on calls and her eyes witnessed things no one should ever see. Ever. 

Hatzalah had never allowed women to volunteer. And when they began to accept women, the Rabbi’s committee  that governed religious issues at United Hatzalah, stated that this exception (of having women medics) excluded the city of Jerusalem. Miriam didn’t like that. She fought very hard and graduated in the first ever women’s unit in Jerusalem. She was a pioneer. 

She also was instrumental in creating the first ever Womens-Run ambulance, which literally was decorated in pink, that was driven by her and other medics who got ambulance licenses. This was a special ambulance that dealt with specific medical issues for women, by women. 

But she was also a trailblazer. She hand crafted the Psychotrauma Unit and that is her biggest legacy. Listen to the podcast to get the entire picture, but she literally created the protocol that is used today as the foundation for all Psychotrauma units in Israel, including United Hatzalah. The program started off as simply giving people psychological first-aid, at the scene (a truly novel idea that had never been done before!) with people who witnessed a traumatic event. Then it grew to helping the people themselves that went through the event, then it started treating the medics that were on the call at the event… and today, even the army has incorporated these protocols. 

I worked very hard with Miriam to create the Psychotrauma website, create a new video, a photoshoot and share the mission of Psychotrauma to the world. But it didn’t stop there. She began, through United Hatzalah, to go on international missions to help people who were dealing with traumas outside of Israel. She traveled to Pittsburgh after the Tree of Life Synagogue massacre, Surfside Florida after the buildings collapsed, and to Texas for Hurricane Harvey, Moldova when the Ukraine-Russia war broke out…and so much more. She was involved in countless Mass Casualty Incident drills to help prepare her team for anything- which obviously was needed on October 7th and the days, weeks, months after that. 

Miriam was an activist and literally had a heart that didn’t stop giving …and giving and giving. She didn’t sleep for years. She ran from call to call to call. And somehow, her pink lipstick was still immaculate at the end of her crazy days. 

I knew she was having a hard time as we were not only co-workers, we were also friends. One day she texted me she was leaving United Hatzalah. I am not going to get into the story, or the politics, but very soon after, she called me and told me she was getting divorced. Soon after that she left the religious world, and then she started dating Nikki, her best friend who had also been a haredi mother of 7 and left “that world”. They even made a documentary about their story which she shared with me, but was never published. They got married, combined their 12 kids, moved to Mivaseret and had lots of family adventures.

Eventually, they also split up, and recently Miriam had a new girlfriend. I am not going to go further into this part of her life, and I am not going to get into the details of her untimely death last night. I am not going to tell you about the deeply emotional process of turmoil, guilt and extreme regret I am feeling right now. I am not going to tell you about my ups and downs with her as a friend. I am not going to tell you about my last (recent) conversion with her. And I am not going to tell you about how I heard a scream so thundering, that it took me a minute to realize the scream was coming from me, when I heard the news. I am not going to tell you about my rabbit hole thinking, or the feelings I went to bed with, when I finally fell asleep after drinking a double shot of whiskey to knock me out. 

What I am going to tell you is that there is a very delicate balance between wanting  to be there for someone, and knowing when to build boundaries and protect yourself. I have had this challenge with many people over many years- and each time I have had to evaluate and do a ‘shikul”. It’s a very delicate process of weighing my needs vs their needs, and I don’t know when I am right and when I am wrong in my decisions about who I allow and who I do “not allow” in my life– or how much to allow them in my life. For years now I have tried to protect myself from energies that I did want in my life- whether that be relationships or environments or groups or whatever— but I decided years ago that it is my life and I get to choose who is in it.

However, I am learning today more than ever, that our hearts always need to be open, even more than we think we are capable of, even if it means stretching. And one cannot use the theory I have lived by, namely “I need to protect myself” as an excuse to shut people out if they need help. Each person has to do their own calculations when to give, how much to give, when to stop giving …but one thing is for sure, if you are not able to be there for someone, it is your responsibility, morally and ethically, to make sure someone professional is in the picture. And I am obviously talking to myself. Forgive the audacity in saying this, but I can’t help thinking this horrible situation is a classic case of the bystander effect. The effect is counterintuitive because we often assume more “witnesses” would mean more help, but research shows the opposite is often true. This is my own speculation, not fact, but I am opening this as a place for introspection. 

Going to Miriam’s funeral will be heart wrenching. And the timing of this right before her beloved son’s bar mitzvah this shabbat, is heart wrenching. And the “conclusions” of her death are not yet determined… But please know this, as I know it, Miriam absolutely had a heart of gold. She helped dozens of thousands of people in her short lived life. Few give to others in a lifetime of 80+ years that she gave in her 37. She adored her children and loved them to the ends of the earth. Just look at her facebook feed. And she was a really good person with a very special soul. She was smart, talented and loving- and in pain for so many understandable reasons. For those of you who read her recent blogs she started, which were taken down, you know how much she loved the small cherished moments in life, and how well she wrote about these moments she experienced in her life-  that she cherished. 

Anyone who knows Miriam knows what she would be telling us right now: “There is no such thing as a normal reaction to an abnormal situation”. Feel what you need to feel. It’s all normal. 

My beloved Melissa

When my family lived in Washington Heights while Talya was in the hospital for 3 years (1988-1991), my surrogate family was the Bulman Family. Aron Bulman, a”h, was the brother of my uncle Yossi Bulman who lived in Israel (and whom I didn’t know as a child), and Yossi was married to my father’s sister, Janis. 

Aron was married to Shelly, and they have four kids: Pinny, Meir, Devora and Rena. These 4 kids, like myself, did not know our shared cousins in Israel when we were growing up- and so we became family. Although technically not my cousins, I have always called the Washington Heights Bulman crew my cousins. 

Pinny, who is a good 15 years older than me, I think, was always around when I was a kid “living in their house”. He was first a big brother of sorts- and I remember standing on his feet while he was saying Shmone Esrei in shul on Shabbos (sorry Pinny!). Later, I obviously had a crush on him- because didn’t we all? (Although eating tuna out of a can and burning hamburgers was really gross!) Then later, I met his girlfriend Melissa. Pinny was religious, she was not (yet), she had childhood cancer twice as a kid, and he was older than her by quite a few years. He was her counselor in camp simcha and they were friends before they fell in love. But he wasn’t the only one to fall in love with her- the whole family did…and me especially. 

Ever meet someone and you know, you just know, your souls are linked? Like you have been linked in past lives? That you love this person more than you can describe in a rational way? This was me and Melissa. 

I flew to Wisconsin for their wedding with Pinny’s family and kept in touch with them when they were in Israel learning for a year. Not so long after that I started visiting them in their Washington Heights apartment. As the years went on, Melissa and I became more and more close— I can’t even describe how much I adored this person, even if she wasn’t the best at “staying in touch”. 

She was so quirky, and I loved that, she was herself ALWAYS. She didn’t care what anyone thought, she loved music, poetry, art, the theater, life, Judaism, God, beauty, Israel and she inspired me to no end. I wanted to be her when I grew up, I wanted to live life uninhibited like she did. I wanted to live life carefree like she did. I wanted to view the world in the frame of beauty like she did. I wanted to smile like she did. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin like she was. I wanted to find love in my life like she did. I wanted to never give up, like she never gave up. But I wanted to live life “real”, with the ups and downs, and being open about struggles, like she did. 

There are too many memories to talk about, but I will tell you that when I heard she had breast cancer, about two years ago, I couldn’t believe she was dealing with cancer for the 3rd time. But when I heard she had a brain tumor, I stopped breathing. 

I visited her in May, when she was already not able to use the right side of her body well. I will cherish that time with her FOREVER. When I walked out of her apartment in Riverdale, I cried so hard knowing that according to science, I would never see her again. And yet, according to faith, and according to her (with conviction) I would see her again soon. And so I prayed. And prayed and prayed …at the Kotel, Kever Rachel, Chevron, Meiron, with a tehilim, a sidder, in my own words. I asked others to pray. And I held on, because she was holding on. 

To lose her is like losing a part of myself. She is the one I need to thank for introducing me to Indigo Girls, and how to use pastels to color whatever you feel in your heart, even if you don’t know how to draw anything. She is the one who taught me to love life to the fullest and appreciate nature, art and beauty! 

Melissa, my dear Melissa. Your name has been on my lips for months… and it will be etched on my heart and soul for years. The hours we spent talking in pajamas helped craft me into the woman I am today. You said I was beautiful when I did not feel I was (ie: this horrible picture of me), you told me I had talent when I felt I had nothing to give, you told me I was strong when all I felt was weakness. You taught me to be real and authentic. You showed me how to live life with the same excitement as Dolly Levy in “Hello Dolly”- which is how we always said hello to each other! You taught me to love humanity. You also taught me to be humble and that one didn’t need to express themselves in things, one’s words and heart, and art, can exemplify a soul more than anything. 

Your marriage with Pinny was always, and still is, a marriage I look up to. I never have and never will see love like that in my life. You loved each other so deeply- and still do. 

Watching you become a mother to Ariella, up close, was an amazing experience. A miracle baby. And watching you become a mother for a second time, to Avishai, from afar, was equally miraculous. When you guys stayed with me in Ramot on your famous Israeli trip- I watched as you took care of your children with such patience and respect for them. And boy did you raise individuals. Getting to know Ariella better when she was here in seminary was such a testimony that you raised children according to who they were- לפי דרכו- and maybe even more so with Avishai’s journeys. Your kids are your legacy, although you have many. You loved them so deeply that you accepted them not only for who they were as individuals, but you admired them, respected them and looked up to them for their paths they each chose, and continue to choose. 

Melissa, my heart is aching, and the only peace I have right now is knowing that you were surrounded by loved ones when you passed, including Ariella and Benzy, that you will be laid to rest 30 minutes from where I live (that’s a selfish nechama for me) but more importantly, that you are being laid to rest in the holy land which you loved so much. And of course that you are no longer suffering and in pain. You fought so hard. 

I wish with all my heart I could laugh with you again, like we laughed last May, and giggle like little girls. I love you with all my heart Melissa and await your arrival on Sunday where I can embrace your soul with my soul. Watch over us Melissa, and please know, I would not be who I am today without your influence, support, guidance, encouragement and love.

Bayla – Mommy of 4

Bayla – Mazal Tov. Thank you for being the vessel of so much light in a moment of darkness and pain. The baby’s face comforted me in ways I can’t describe. What a journey! And thank G-d, thank you Hashem, you are holding your baby boy. I already love this baby so much. His birth represents the other side of all this- “the sunset”– that at the end of the day, whatever comes at us, it’s just life being life. Seeing the baby’s face was also a lifeshock, one that was so fused with happiness, deep joy, and unlimited love. May you and Ave only have nachat from this little one, Malachei, and Adiya and Noyel. You are FOREVER, my hero. You are the best person I know…by far.