Love, Loss, and Second Chances – Navigating Complicated Relationship Dynamics

Relationships in general can be complex to navigate. Building and maintaining healthy relationships requires careful consideration of numerous factors. However, when working with individuals who have been previously engaged or married, an additional layer of complexity emerges. These past experiences can shape one’s mindset, expectations, and emotional readiness for new relationships. The ultimate goal is to ensure that individuals thrive in the dating process, regardless of past challenges or negative experiences. The key question, then, is: how can one best meet their emotional and relational needs while re-entering the dating world?

In this article, I will explore the critical roles that parents, friends, coaches, and self-awareness play in helping individuals reintegrate into the dating world in the healthiest and most effective way possible.

Parents are always a complicated part of the conversation due to the natural emotional enmeshment, which can sometimes take on atypical or unhealthy forms. However, in the context of helping their single children reintegrate into the dating scene there are really two ways parental involvement can go, either supportive or pressuring. One of the areas parents struggle with is balancing protection and encouragement. Research suggests that the nature of this involvement plays a critical role in shaping outcomes for individuals who are navigating romantic relationships.[i] Who could blame well-meaning parents? They want to help, they don’t want to see their children in pain, and they want more than anything to see a happy resolution to the predicament that they find their children in.

So, what could parents do and how can they find that balance? Firstly, it is essential that parents learn to support their child without projecting fears from past experiences. There is nothing more painful than witnessing a breakup and the aftermath that ensues. Besides for the person themselves, parents have to watch things play out and often times absorb the pain of their children. This creates a vicarious trauma that in turn may show up as PTSD or PTSD symptoms.

The other area that is extremely important for parents to bear in mind when trying to create this balance is to encourage open communication between parents and children. Open communication between parents and children after a broken engagement or divorce helps provide emotional safety and clarity during a time of confusion and loss. It also models healthy coping and trust, allowing their adult children to process their own feelings and maintaining secure attachments while fostering independence. One significant facet to the relationship that cannot fall to the wayside is that of the establishment of healthy emotional boundaries. Research indicates that parental support and emotional over-involvement can blur boundaries and create added stress for children, especially in the event of a child getting divorced and by extension breaking an engagement.[ii] This is something parents need to be careful of. However, when done in the right way, it can be an absolute gamechanger for both parents and children.

Friends are an area that can be a great source of strength for an individual who is going through a breakup, irrespective of gender. However, it is essential that the friend assumes the role of ally as opposed to judge. It is easy in situations where both sides are at fault to try and educate and guide the person who is struggling. With this comes real biases with both suggestions and comments.  Acting as an ally means helping one’s friend filter advice and encouraging him or her to surround themselves with those who uplift rather than continue to refocus on past relationships. It is easy to get caught in a loop of trying to help by way of using the previous relationship as a baseline for conversation. This is not the same as using learned experiences as information for self-development and growth. A friend must be there to help focus on moving forward. In fact, people who were able to briefly reflect on lessons learned and used the breakup as a catalyst for growth, showed increased resilience, emotional health, and were sooner able to have a meaningful relationship in the future.[iii]

As a relationship coach, I ask myself: what role do I play in all of this? If parents and friends are already providing support, where do I fit into the picture? The answer lies in several key areas, with the most important being providing clarity and teaching emotional resilience, especially soon after the breakup. Emotional resilience is the ability to recover and adapt after a painful experience without losing hope or self-worth. This is achieved through managing emotions, maintaining perspective, and seeing the challenge as an opportunity for growth. In this context, a relationship coach helps by teaching emotional regulation, reframing negative thoughts, and strengthening the person’s sense of identity and purpose. Using guided reflection and other practical tools, the coach empowers the individual to move forward with confidence and clarity. Resilience in this case doesn’t mean avoiding pain, this is inevitable, but rather learning to grow through it, emerging stronger and more refined. This clarity and restored sense of self-worth become the cornerstone for their journey forward.

It’s essential that relationship coaches refrain from imposing their personal views. While sharing personal stories can be a valuable technique for humanizing the relationship, the goal is to empower the individual to discover their own strength in a way that resonates with them. Lastly, the relationship coach must help the individual distinguish between legitimate concerns for future relationships and unresolved emotional baggage that needs to be addressed.

When it comes to the individual, him or herself, the key is self-reflection. In general, schools of thought such as in positive psychology would emphasize the importance of self-reflection in fostering emotional well-being.[iv] Part of that conversation includes but is not limited to encouraging personal growth and self-awareness prior to entering into a subsequent relationship.

I believe that the period following a breakup, especially after a broken engagement or divorce, offers a golden opportunity for deep self-reflection and growth. It is a time to re-evaluate one’s emotional needs, relationship values, and even core aspects of personal identity. While it’s easy to assume that we remain the same after such a rupture, the reality is that these experiences often reshape us in areas such as emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. The very trauma of a significant relationship ending can lead to profound internal shifts. As a result, future relationships must reflect this updated version of the self. To find lasting connection and fulfillment, individuals need to seek partners who align not with who they were, but with who they’ve become. In fact, if done right, people will often experience positive psychological changes following adversity. Including but not limited to greater self-awareness, redefined priorities, and deeper subsequent relationships.[v]

The aforementioned idea of self-reflection and growth is a significant component to helping people assess what they truly need in a partner and focus on what they fear repeating. This comes from a reframing of both the relationship and one’s own self. Through understanding this in a substantial and meaningful way, it can help to cultivate emotional healing and confidence in building a new, healthy relationship.

When all is said and done, building a relationship is rarely simple. A multitude of factors, emotional, psychological, circumstantial, contribute to a relationship’s success, and even then, much depends on the compatibility of personalities and a shared willingness to invest in the process. When a relationship doesn’t work out, it is not necessarily the failure of one person and to assume otherwise is a reflection of our own misunderstanding. A future relationship is not meant to repair the past; it is meant to reflect the growth that has emerged from it. The pain of what once was can become the foundation for deeper self-awareness, clarity of values, and a clearer sense of one’s needs and desires. In this way, the ending of one chapter isn’t a tragedy but rather it’s the sacred space where a new story begins. It is a narrative shift that becomes not a story of fixing what was broken, but of becoming whole enough to build something even more beautiful.

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[i] Jamison, T. B., & Lo, H. Y. (2021). Exploring parents’ ongoing role in romantic development: Insights from young adults. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(1), 84-102.

[ii] Fingerman, K. L., Cheng, Y.-P., Tighe, L., Birditt, K. S., & Zarit, S. (2012). Relationships between young adults and their parents. In A. Booth, S. L. Brown, N. S. Landale, W. D. Manning, & S. M. McHale (Eds.), Early adulthood in a family context (pp. 59–85). Springer.

[iii] Tashiro, T., & Frazier, P. (2003). “I’ll never be in a relationship like that again”: Personal growth following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 113–128.

[iv] Snyder, C. R., Lopez, S. J., & Pedrotti, J. T. (2008). Positive psychology: The scientific and practical explorations of human strengths (2nd ed.). Sage Publications.

[v] Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18.