Love Through Lovin’

Can one be forced to feel a certain way? No, but at weddings people are generally happy, and at funerals people are generally sad. Unless you are in North Korea, where a dictatorship forces people to be sad at the fall of its supreme leader. But those forced to be sad aren’t really sad; they are unwillingly playing a part. So, when we are told in the Shema prayer, an essential prayer said every single day, that we are instructed to love God, are we playing a role?

Rashi, quoting the Sifrei, clarifies that the love in the Shema is not only to love God Himself, but to love His commandments that He has given us. The key to performing mitzvot must be out of love rather than fear, because if one performs the commandments out of fear, if the burden becomes too much, the person will buckle under the fear. In contrast, when there is love, one won’t run away from a tough burden.

But if the burden is too great to overcome, whether through love or fear, the goal won’t ultimately be accomplished. So, what’s really the difference? The difference is that when there is love, the ultimate effort will be made, even if the result doesn’t fully reflect that. In contrast, when driven by fear, one may simply run away and not even try. Imagine one who keeps kosher because one values the spiritual connection it brings and finds joy in preparing and eating kosher meals, viewing it as meaningful, versus one who keeps kosher mainly out of fear of judgment from others, so when not faced with that judgement…

This is a powerful lesson in life, and especially in parenting. If one parents through fear, as soon as the fear is gone or the burden is too great for the child or parent to handle, there is nothing left. Conversely, with love, even if (read; when) the child/parent disappoints, the relationship love will always be there, which is why the family will always stay together. This principle is true in our relationship with God; as long as there is love, regardless if (read; when) we disappoint, we can always return and find our way back. Love ensures that, regardless of our actions, the connection remains.

Additionally, I think Rashi may have clarified that the love in the Shema is referring to the commandments, as real love is built through actions. Not through virtue signaling or self-centered promotion (yes, I’m thinking of all those “sending love and warmth” cringe social-media posts). True love is created by giving, doing and investing in what you want to love. This is true even if the initial actions start off as duty-bound rather than motivated by love, over time it builds a deep bond, which can then transform into genuine love (the exception that you must accept the love and, in order to do that, it has to mean something to you). May we “feel the love” and may our hearts soften enough to accept it.

Shabbat Shalom!