Loving for Free

Last week, I mentioned the idea of “hating for free,” of hating people for no real reason. As a teacher and a mother, I’ve learned that it’s important to instruct how to do something and to veer away from what not to do. It’s more concrete and certainly a lot more real and positive.

So as we begin the Nine Days, mourning the destruction of our Biggest Haven on Earth, every Jew knows what not to do. Okay. So now, what should we do? If we truly work on eliminating grudges from our hearts and yearn to see the good side in people and zero in on that, what next?

Ahavas Chinam. Loving for free! And obviously it’s not synonymous with the image of long-haired hippies, purple peace signs and banners of “free love.” Loving for free certainly means keeping your boundaries and exclusivity. But it also means giving up your pessimism, your “but she has” and the “but he is” and learning to love humanity a little more—your brothers and sisters and cousins—with all their flaws and quirks.

Challenge yourself to conjure up one person in your mind, maybe a neighbor down the block, and reframe them in a more positive light, if you haven’t yet fully embraced them. That means taking whatever you dislike about them (because generally we don’t dislike a whole entire person) and put a new spin on it. “I like her, but she is too nit-picky and technical for me.” So try and reframe that and say, “Wow I like her and even her sort of anal trait, because it shows how she really cares about details and can make really special gifts for her neighbors or meals for her family—because she pays a lot of attention to detail and cares so much.”

Or another: “I like him, but he’s too temperamental, sometimes even angry.” Okay, that’s fair. But view that person and that trait through a more positive prism. (Obviously if it’s someone you live with, you might need some practical tools as well.) “Hey, he’s a great guy. And although he can get truly upset when he’s upset about something, it shows his passion and intensity of feeling. He loves a lot and cares a lot and tries hard to feel for a person or a cause. He wants things to be good.”

This is an exercise in obtaining an ayin tovah, which is very much related to Ahavas Chinam. Having a “good eye” for people and for life circumstances is a major thing. Learning to have one in how you view people can really transform your quality of life, where people and circumstances don’t become a burden of frustration or anger. Instead you choose to see a lot more good in your world and to run with it!

What a miserable way to live one’s life having the opposite—a tzarus ayin, a narrow eye, where you just zero in on all the bad. And like an ant farm, once you spot one little black thing, all you’re able to then see is black. There’s no light in life!

Let’s try each day to contemplate a tough situation we’re in or an individual we somewhat dislike and look at it or him or her in a nicer way. And hopefully we will merit to see the rebuilding of our Third Mikdash very soon!