Shmuel Lemon

Make Love Great Again: Let’s Fall In With Falling Out!

Let’s make a revolution. Lets commit only when we have fallen out of love!

Sounds crazy? No?  Let’s analyse what falling in love is all about. Love at first sight. Boy meets girl and they just fall in love. Sounds great, sounds like bliss.   Or is it? Let’s be honest with ourselves.

We all know that the rate of divorce is on the rise even in the orthodox circles. Many women are feeling “The lonely wife”; the topic of a recent featured article in one of the Jewish magazines.  Many reasons have been suggested. I would like to put forward an idea that as yet, I have not seen being discussed in depth.

People say “I LOVE YOU” What do they really mean?

When two people meet and eventually find themselves emotionally bonded to each other, they then decide to become partners.

What has taken place? They have seen and experienced “in the other” certain characteristics and features that they identify with.

They like and enjoy the way the other talks, behaves, looks, physical features, laughs, holds themselves etc….

They feel that the other has connected to their dreams, mission in life, values, goals, ideas etc…

This makes them feel “good” being in their company / attracted to them. They now feel emotionally connected and each one feels “I love you” This is what “falling in love” is all about.

What this really means is since I feel that I am getting my needs and desires fulfilled, I therefore feel that I want to be connected to you forever. It’s ALL about ME and NOTHING about YOU!

People say that love is about giving: I love you therefore I want to give to you.  But “falling and being in love” is ALL about receiving; not at all about giving. I can just see another person without having given them anything and still feel love for them. I haven’t given a thing!

Although I may feel that I now want to give to the other, this is
conditional to my feeling of “being in love” (getting my needs met) Once I “fall out of love” (not getting my needs met) I will not want to give any more since I am not getting what I want (my needs met) in return.

This is what is taking place in a person’s subconscious.

This is an example of ‘giving for the sole purpose of receiving’ (or taking back), thus it is not classified as “giving to the other” at all. It’s classified as taking! The essence of “Giving” is unconditional, without expecting anything in return: otherwise I am not giving.

In other words; the feeling of love that I experience is “love of self”
Just like when I say I love a certain type of food etc…I actually enjoy eating that food but in reality I love myself; I love the taste of the fish that I am eating.  So the same in our case: the object that I love happens to be a person rather than fish but there is absolutely no other difference whatsoever.

Now it sounds like I’m saying that falling in love is wrong / bad.  No it’s not. Why?   Because the laws of human nature dictate that one needs to fall in love. It’s inevitable. Why? Because we all need to get our needs met; otherwise we will lack self-esteem and be emotionally unhealthy human beings.

So when does it all go wrong? When am I considered to be a selfish human being just thinking and taking care of myself without any consideration for the other? When am I considered an abuser: using another solely for my own benefit?   When I am under the false illusion that falling in love is all about loving the other.

Let me clarify.  Once I become aware of reality (recognise and admit to myself) that this feeling IS ALL ABOUT ME getting my needs / desires met and not about giving to the other what so ever, I will then be motivated to give to the other (which is the essence of “Love of Other”).  Why?   Because then and ONLY then, will I realise / feel that all I have done until now is classified as receiving.   I have not yet begun to give AT ALL!  To give means to satisfy the other person’s needs unconditionally: without expecting anything in return

Once I become aware that the other person is meeting my needs, I will automatically want to reciprocate.  Why? Either because that’s the way I show my appreciation for what I am receiving or because I will feel selfish for using the other person just for satisfying my own needs. I will feel that I am abusing my partner.

So when does the system breakdown?  When I’m unaware of what is happening in my internal world.  What then happens, is that I am unconsciously getting my needs met under the guise of “loving the other” and I will never ever attempt to get involved in “loving the other.”  Why?  Because I feel that I have already achieved it!

This will automatically happen if I remain unaware of what my natural
feelings are all about.

This is what is referred to as “self awareness”: being aware of the objective reality of what is happening in my internal world of feelings; that my initial feelings of “love of other” are really ALL ABOUT ME.

IN SHORT: One initially needs to fall out of falling in to illusionary love in order to create a sustainable healthy, happy relationship which is all about falling in love with falling out of illusionary love!

So let’s all commit to each other ONLY once we have fallen out with falling in because we have fallen in with falling out!

Sounds complicated? Only if I want to remain falling in with falling in love!

I sadly believe that until people are re -educated, the problems (marital conflict / divorce) remain unsolvable. I would love to hear which way you have fallen (in or out of love) with my view.?

Or fallen in with falling out?!


Good Shabbos

About the Author
Shmuel Lemon has been a communal orthodox Rabbi, teacher, educator and engaged with the Jewish community; presently residing in Edgware England. He had a chareidi background but now considers himself to be a plain orthodox Jew. He has experienced the pulse of today’s adults having being involved with different communities from different backgrounds especially in Israel and Johannesburg. He can be contacted at