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Match me no match

Being single for two years has been glorious, and if it continues indefinitely, that's OK too

My Abuelita came over the other day.

She summoned me over to tell me in hushed Spanish, how beautiful I was. How my long dark hair is just begging to be done in a fancy style for a special date. She said my eyes were so bright- my thick eyebrows deserved to be raised in mischief the way they used to. According to her, I need to meet a nice man and resume dating before I get “too old” and set in my ways.

Abuelita (Spanish for grandmother) is in her mid- eighties and has been a widow for 49 years.

“I didn’t date” she said. “I never re-married. You don’t want to grow old alone.”

I swallowed a lump. “Oh, Abuelita…” I thought.

“She’s right!” I heard my mom chime in from the kitchen.

Sigh.

Here comes the speech… again.

I’ve been single for two years. When I first wrote my inaugural TOI post last year that touched on my broken engagement, I received an overwhelming response, but most interesting of the responses was the one from the matchmaker.

“Punim,” she [the matchmaker] said, “have I got a match for you!”

Cue the Fiddler on The Roof song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAYxRnMaGAk

I should have shrugged it off, but curiosity got the better of me. I actually know someone who went to an old-world type matchmaker and was successfully married off to a great match! They are happily married and have  two children. Maybe fate would strike and this woman held the key to my romantic future.

I agreed to a Skype call (after all, I had never met this person. That’s how you end up on a 20/20 special about people who get killed by strangers they met online.)

[For the record, she was not crazy or dangerous.]

She was everything I imagined a stereotypical matchmaker would be: chatty, friendly, and a comforting smile that could melt your heart.

After a slew of questions, it became obvious to both of us that I was failing the interview.

“Punim,” she said, “you’re too strong willed. It is obvious to me that you are un-matchable. You need to learn to bend a little bit and show your softer side or you will never get married. Men don’t want to marry women they have to compete with in a power play”.

Sigh.

“But I don’t want to get married!” I protested. “I’ve been down that road and I don’t think it’s for me. Why can’t I just hang out and date and enjoy being single?”

“Because,” she replied, “that’s how you end up with a break-up cat and desperately single into your 30’s hoping for an accidental pregnancy.”

Shit.

This was not the time to tell her that already had the break-up dog and validate her statement. Nor was it time to tell her about my infertility. I thanked her for her time and bid her a great day.

Maybe it was time to swear off sex again? Or maybe let’s not get so drastic.

Because here’s the thing: I enjoy being single. Do I miss waking up to my habibi brewing coffee and kissing me on his way out the door to face a morning of Los Angeles traffic? Sure. But I don’t miss the bed hogging, snoring, or invasion of someone constantly in my space.

I also love this time I’ve had to myself. For the first time in my adult life, I have been single and managed to avoid a committed relationship for some time. I have never been that girl, I’ve always been the girl in a serious relationship. I’ve always lost myself a little bit in trying to fulfill both a traditional homemaker/modern career woman persona. I didn’t just rebuild my life after that break up, I found myself. These last two years have been glorious in discovering chutzpah I didn’t know I had and growing in self discovery down a path I never imagined possible.

So, to the matchmaker, my abuelita, and my mom I’ll tell you as the song says: “Make me no match, find me no find, catch me no catch.” It’ll happen when it’s supposed to and if it never does- I’m OK with that too.

Being single is not a death sentence. It’s my choice and for the moment, it’s suits me just fine.

This op-ed was written with permission of the most gracious matchmaker and new-found friend. Name respectfully omitted.

About the Author
When Audrey Bellis isn't curating community for StartUpDTLA, or solving Downtown LA's office space problem at Grid110, she can be found Urban Exploring as a Transit Enthusiast. Often memorable.
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