Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews

Mandatory life for wife killers

Get to know what they look like to prevent marriages like that or to help escape them

There have been so many terrorists in Israel, but none got the death penalty. Eichmann must stay an exception. The worst thing about them is that everyone is a target, no one is secure, they destroy everyone’s safety.

A murderer of a life partner is as bad. Home should be the safest place on earth. When a man kills his intimate partner, when convicted, he should be off the street forever. Life for a life.

Would that deter? Yes, because all these snakes work very deliberately. They plan their act meticulously over an extended period of time.

However, it is not true that any partner of a man is at risk. These murderers are a certain type. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all:

  • Before marriage, you were naive and ignored the warning signs (how he was callous opposite the powerless, like the waiter, animals).
  • Quickly charming (fake!) but not warm; his sex is grotesque, not intimate.
  • When the front door closes, he becomes violent; no one will believe you.
  • Control freak (highly secretive, confuses you, makes you feel crazy).
  • Knowledge is power so you must disclose all and they lie about everything.
  • Hypercritical but oversensitive to the tiniest suspicion of criticism on him.
  • Either a highly intelligent cold con artist or a dumb overemotional bully.
  • Thinks that you should be grateful that he married you; did you a favor. (If you believe him, that’s why he married you. But that’s not a human bond.)
  • No empathy, conscience or remorse. Sees others as props in his life. His partner is his investment and property.
  • Has no respect for you. Could encourage you to commit suicide.
  • Could chronically hurt one child and ‘spoil’ another.
  • Highly inflated ego, competitive, self-centered, demands space and honor.
  • Divides mankind into powerful worthy people and worthless wimps.
  • Normal people (with vulnerabilities) are a total enigma to him.
  • All his ‘friends’ are just like him or totally naive like you were.
  • Destroys anything you value (your friendships, possessions, personality).
  • Isolates you from anything and anyone that makes you feel good.
  • Salami tactics: makes you move your red lines just one more time, again.
  • His abuse can be verbal (with a booming voice or whispering), emotional (ignoring, threatening you), physical (hurting you or your property), and/or sexual (rape, cold sex); the goal is not just to hurt but to feel powerful.
  • They’re lonely and love to fight which gives them some kind of connection.
  • Survivor of heavy childhood abuse but never did real therapy (while victimizing others, he actually feels the victim in the relationship).

If this sounds 80% like your partner:

  • No, you didn’t cause this or want this.
  • Don’t corner him! Sneak away. First bring yourself (and kids) to safety.
  • You might feel hysterical, crazy and paranoid but he may still kill.
  • If he says he’s sorry, don’t trust him. Being naive was your first mistake.
  • Don’t spend your precious energy on trying to convince the incredulous.
  • There is life after the worst disaster; don’t risk it. Play it safe always.
  • After recovery, spend some time teaching naive others for prevention.

After being intimate with such a man, you may have a hard time trusting anyone. But 99.99% of all men are not like that. Get a partner who makes you nervous because he’s so nice (and real!), friendly and supportive.

If you know someone personally who is married to such an abusive man, don’t underestimate how much s/he’s in denial or ambivalent or how bad they feel about themselves. Don’t alarm the victim. Rather, always heap praise on him/her and say often that s/he is always welcome in your house no matter what time of day. Yet, if you know someone considering to marry such a snake, be complimentary too but add that s/he can do much better and that any feeling of comfortableness would soon disappear.

The victims of such men often also were abused as kids but they drew very different conclusions. The abuser apparently decided never to let anyone so close again as not to get hurt like that ever again. The grown-victim apparently had decided to doubt themselves, their importance, and their intelligence rather than blame the abuser, to stay hopeful about the latter.

There are also such toxic women. However, typically, they will not kill. But they make their partners live in hell too. You can help their victims escape too by valuing them, their importance, and their intelligence.

About the Author
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (, born in 1953 to two Dutch survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork, and holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam). He taught Re-evaluation Co-counseling, became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a vegan for 8 years now. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His most influential teachers (chronologically) are: his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach and lehavdiel bein chayim lechayim: Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff and Rav Meir Lubin. * Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years he wrote hasbara for the Dutch public. His fields of attention now are varied: Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (statistics), Politics (Israel, the US and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight Truth), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, GLBTQAI, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), Ecology and Veganism. Sometimes he's misunderstood because he has such a wide vision that never fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what many love about him. Many of his posts relate to affairs from the news or the Torah Portion of the Week or are new insights that suddenly befell him. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, reassure the doubters but make the self-assured doubt more. He strives to bring a fresh perspective rather than bore you with the obvious. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds must be disputed. In short, his main political positions are: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, democracy, anti the fake peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, Science, Free Will, anti blaming-the-victim and for down-to-earth optimism. Read his blog how he attempts to bridge any discrepancies. He admits sometimes exaggerating to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quit a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. November 13, 2018, he published his 500st blog post with the ToI. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having a peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. To see other blog posts by him, a second blog - under construction - can be found by clicking on the Website icon next to his picture.