‘Meeting’ Martin Buber

My first “meeting” with Martin Buber’s I and Thou was a flop.  I knew he had something important to say but, from the little I understood from the book, I could not figure out what it was. Time passed. I read more by Buber and about him, and I eventually realized it: To “meet” Martin Buber is to live out one of his most widely noted statements, “All real living is meeting” (I and Thou, Ronald Gregor Smith, trans., Colier, 1958, 11).

We enter I-Thou when we “meet” others, through what we say and what we hear, what we show of ourselves and what we see in the next person. For example, imagine your morning routine includes a stop at a bagel store. Daily, you place the same order, tap your card, and get your stuff, with a grunt from the clerk included at no extra charge. One day, you ask for no-fat cream cheese instead of regular. The clerk smiles and comments, “On a diet?” and aren’t you surprised, even embarrassed. A clerk you thought did not even recognize you remembers what you eat. Leaving the store, instead of dragging as always, your mood has lifted. You learned that you matter to somebody, in a very small way to be sure, and they now matter to you. And you also just “met” Martin Buber, who might well have pointed to this simple exchange as I-Thou.

Compare I-Thou to Buber’s other interaction, I-It. You go to the bank and hand the teller a deposit. The teller pecks at a keyboard and shoves a receipt across the counter and mumbles, “Next!” You would have a warmer exchange with an ATM.  I-It treats people indifferently and mechanically. It does the job, and nothing more by identifying individuals by an account number to sort, analyze, or dispose of. I-It gets the job done, however, and is therefore essential. After all, when I want that bagel or need that deposit to clear, I want the I-It side of life. We can, however, enhance life by infusing some I-Thou into I-It by offering a kind word that makes the routine more personal, more spiritual, that is more holy. But it is critical to note that I-It gets dangerous when people are negatively labeled and mistreated because of where they are from, what they wear, how they look, or their age, race or gender. Again I-It is good when it puts dinner on the table or a roof over your head, and it stays good as long as it does not get out of hand. But I-Thou is the spiritual crown of living.

There is much more to say about I-Thou, keeping in mind that analysis degrades I-Thou into I-It.  Nevertheless, we can offer some words. First, a person loses track of time during I-Thou. Whether a conversation lasts for three seconds, 20 minutes, or goes on for two hours, the duration is irrelevant. I-Thou is marked by a feeling of timelessness. When I-Thou ends, a person looks at the clock and remarks, “My goodness! I didn’t realize we went on that long!” What is more, I-Thou lives in a few nanoseconds, in an exchange of smiles with a stranger you will never see again.

Just as time is not a factor, neither is space. I-Thou happens anywhere, and the where makes no difference. The location, the surroundings, who is around, and whatever else is going on is beside the point. Whether over a bite at the company cafeteria, out for fast food or at an upscale restaurant, two people are so engaged with each other that where they are has no bearing.

Another sign is in an emotional shift. Emotions change from before to after. For instance, you walked into that coffee shop very bored; you walked out a little happier. You sat down to dinner with a friend thinking you would have an awful fight, but you are relieved to learn that you agreed all along. That shift in mood is one of the most reliable signs that I-Thou occurred.

Finally, I-Thou is between people. Not within a person, not in the “I” or in the “Thou.” It lives in the back-and-forth, the dash, the “-“ that passes between. It is also mutual; both parties must appreciate their own awareness and the awareness of the other, all at the same time.

Back to the bagel shop. You get to the office and share the story with a couple of colleagues about the surprise from the clerk, and you retell the story later, at home over dinner, such that ripples of I-Thou enter and impact your social circle. A word or deed on street level resonates 20 stories higher in the office and 20 miles away, nine hours later, at home. Thus, we can extrapolate from these very simplified examples to see how I-Thou is the building block of social harmony.

Buber brings us a third term, Eternal Thou, which is challenging to explain and, as I have seen, for many, challenging to accept. That is, when people meet as I and Thou, they meet God at the same time in Eternal Thou, where each I-Thou abides with God forever. We don’t find God inside of ourselves and we don’t talk to God directly. We meet God via I-Thou, through words and actions.

Having “met” Buber by meeting people, I can say that we learn about Buber from books, but it so important to “meet” him in the daily routine.