Miliband vs Polanski
RING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight’s main event!
In the red corner… we have Ed “Sanctions” Miliband!
And in the green corner… we have Zack “No Two States” Polanski!
The prize tonight?
The progressive Left and Muslim vote.
Gentlemen, this is what you came for. Let’s get it on!
DING DING
ROUND ONE
COMMENTATOR: And we’re underway! Miliband comes out fast. No feeling-out process whatsoever.
A left jab from Miliband.
“Ethnic cleansing!”
It lands flush. Polanski didn’t see it coming.
Miliband moves in. Right to the body.
“Illegal occupation!”
Now the left hook.
“Settlement sanctions!”
Polanski is against the ropes.
Miliband works the combination.
“Arms restrictions!”
The red corner is on its feet. They think this could be over early.
But wait.
Polanski bounces off the ropes.
An uppercut comes from nowhere.
“GENOCIDE!”
The crowd erupts.
Miliband is wobbling.
Polanski moves in.
A left.
“End all arms sales!”
A right.
“Comprehensive sanctions!”
Then the body shot.
“End intelligence cooperation!”
DING
The bell saves Miliband.
What an opening round.
But behind the theatre lies a serious political calculation. Votes once considered safely red are no longer so safe. Gaza has helped put them in play.
And green has noticed.
ROUND TWO
DING
Miliband comes straight across the ring.
A big right hook.
“War crimes in Gaza!”
The crowd roars.
Another.
“Illegal occupation of Palestine!”
Louder still.
Polanski takes it. He steadies himself.
Then comes the return fire.
“Anti-Zionist!”
A clean shot.
The crowd is on its feet again.
Miliband answers with a combination.
“Sanctions!” “Settlements!” “Palestinian statehood!”
Polanski absorbs them.
Then comes the counter.
Short. Sharp. Perfectly timed.
“Zionism is racism!”
The crowd goes wild.
Miliband staggers backwards, looking dazed.
DING
The bell saves him again.
Muslim voters are no more a single political bloc than Jewish voters. But both corners know that for a significant number, Gaza matters.
And when votes are up for grabs, there is always the temptation to go one punch further.
The crowd is buzzing.
What can possibly be left to throw?
ROUND THREE
DING
No feeling each other out now.
Miliband attacks first.
A straight right.
“Two states!”
Polanski fires straight back.
“One Palestinian state!”
The noise is deafening.
They meet in the centre of the ring. Toe to toe.
“Occupation!” “Genocide!” “Sanctions!” “Embargo!” “Two states!” “One!”
Neither man gives an inch.
The crowd is roaring.
Then, without warning, both see the opening.
Miliband loads up a huge right.
Polanski fires the left hook.
Neither sees the other punch coming.
THUD
Both crash to the canvas.
Red is down.
Green is down.
The arena falls silent.
The referee rushes in.
FIVE…
Nothing.
SIX…
Miliband tries to lift his head.
It falls back to the canvas.
SEVEN…
Polanski reaches for the ropes.
Too far away.
EIGHT…
Neither man moves.
NINE…
The crowd holds its breath.
TEN!
The referee throws both arms wide.
“BOTH OUT!”
DING DING DING
He turns to the crowd.
“NO WINNER!”
No winner?
I beg to differ.
Two born losers.
From start to finish.
