Million dollar Exodus award given to billionaire liberal

The committee in charge of designating the million-dollar Exodus award has decided to give it to Mark Zuckerberg. Committee chair Ray Silver said, “We were down to Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey and Mark Zuckerberg , but after deciding that Mr. Zuckerberg had a bigger online presence, we decided to give him the million dollars that he didn’t need”. Traditionally the recipient gives the million dollars back to a charity of his or her choosing. When asked how the committee choses the list, Mr. Silver explained. “We wanted to make sure that the person who doesn’t in any way need the money is famous so we can meet them. Sure, it would be easier for us to just give the money directly to charity, but then we can’t suck up to celebrities for no reason.”

Over the years, the million-dollar Exodus Award has generated controversy as it has been given to various famous people (who obviously don’t need it) who are critical of Israeli policy. Committee member Sylvia Roth expanded on the awards decision-making process. “If there is a chance they will be critical of a conservative Israeli government, it certainly shoots them to the top of the list, but not always. As long as they are famous and there is some kind of party where I can meet other famous people, we really don’t care who gets it… as long as they don’t give the money to any charity that could be mistaken for conservative. Then forget it!! That’s why we thought Mark was perfect.”

When asked why the Exodus Committee simply didn’t give the money to a person who might actually need it, Mr. Silver was quick to explain. “Sure, a million dollars could seriously change the life of a person who actually needs it, like a great teacher, or struggling family, but that wont get us any closer to a famous person, so of course, it’s completely out of the question. I mean, what are we stupid or something?!”

When asked who is in consideration for next year’s award Mr. Silver wouldn’t go into detail, but assured us it would be a multimillionaire famous person who wants to come off generous by giving the money back, when it is not needed in the first place. One committee member on condition of anonymity suggested a smaller prize for non-famous poorer people, but the idea was struck down, as there was no guarantee that a party to celebrate such a function would even draw people who were SAG eligible, let alone able to afford brand name clothing. Needless to say, we all look forward to the list being considered next year.

About the Author
Avi Liberman is a stand-up comic who was born in Israel, raised in Texas and now lives in Los Angeles. Avi founded Comedy for Koby, a bi-annual tour of Israel featuring some of America's top stand-up comedians.