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Moms for Liberty Bans Laitner’s Books (Satire)

On August 14th, as my stylish Jack Smith beard grows into fruition, I get an email from Moms for Liberty (Moms.)

Their email pisses me off.

Moms claims it stands up for kids and for holding leaders accountable. I wonder, “What else might these mommies be up to?”

I learn that they really love censorship—banning books, liberal teachers and thinking in public schools. They intimitate the weak of mind. They’re the censorship branch of the The-Man-Who-Has-Been-Indicted-Three-Times tree. A tree with deep roots in racism, bigotry and ignorance.  A Fascist lynching tree with one dead, bleached-white limb.  A tree where non-thinkers are low hanging fruit. A tree bearing the likes of unsatisfied women seeking to control:

The words flowing out of your mouth or the thoughts trying to reach your brain;

What books you read;

What books to place in 451 degree Fahrenheit ovens;

What art you see (G-d forbid Michelangelo’s “David”);

What movies you attend (G-d forbid Barbie or Oppenheimer);

What sexual positions you like (Missionary is okay);

When and if a woman can seek an abortion or take birth control pills;

The length of your hair;

What you smoke;

Who you sleep with.

A tree of Moms-for-Holding-Book-Burning-Rallys wanting:

The reversal of Scopes—(We ain’t related to apes;)

To teach flat-earth theory;

To mandate eugenics;

To compel mandatory Bible classes in public schools;

To make all students carry a King James Bible in their backpacks.

A tree of Mommies-For-Banning-Thinking wanting:

All intellectuals and Democrats to be reprogramed in education camps;

To make us parrots, with our brains plugged and wired into the Fox portal;

Fox to be our only news channel (Big Brother at its best;)

For our brains to stop functioning.

A tree filled with Mommies-Who-Don’t-Know-the-Meaning-of-Democracy-or-Liberty-or-Freedom wanting:

Women to forget that our wannabe dictator owes a woman $5,000,000 for sexually assaulting her and that 30 other women allege he sexually assaulted and battered them;

To burn  the Constitution;

You to ask them, “What was the last book you read? And when did you read it?” And listen as they proudly proclaim, “I haven’t read a book since middle school, so you can’t expect me to remember the book’s title;”

To be that Moms for Liberty supporter on TV, wearing that dirty tee shirt reading: I want Mr. Indictment to grab me by the p—y;

You to search their anal cavity for their neanderthal brains.

And now these uneducated, non-thinking female baboons want:

To dictate to school teachers how to teach your children;

To declare what books are verboten;

To make up history;

To say slavery was good for Blacks and the Jews, for it taught them agriculture and architecture;

To say Rosa Parks enjoyed sitting in the back of the bus,

To say lynching was an admirable form of American justice.

To repeat what their slave-owning great, great, grand daddies said, “The Bible says G-d loves slavery.”

To shove their perverse agendas down your liberal throats;

To listen to what Proud Boy leader, Enrique Tarrio, called Moms for Liberty,  the “Gestapo with virginas.”

So why am I so pissed at Moms for Liberty? Well ya see, I sent this extremist group three of my books (A Hebraic Obsession, The Hanukkah Bunny and The Greatest Gift.) and requested they review my books, to determine if they are suitable for Florida public school libraries.

Here’s what Moms wrote:

Dear Mr. Laitner:

Thank you for sending us your three books—A Hebraic Obsession, The Hanukkah Bunny and The Greatest Gift—for our review.

After having carefully read your books, we are sorry to inform you that we have determined that all three of them are not suitable for placement in Florida schools.

We have delineated our reasoning below:

A Hebraic Obsession (Three gravestones)

Sorry to say, your well written, riveting story about you father surviving the Nazi death camps brought us to tears, but it must not be read by school children because the images of the Holocaust are too vivid for their sensitive psyches.

Your book focuses mainly Jewish victims of the Nazis and not enough on the Christians that died in the Camps.

Finally, your use of the f-word and other profanities throughout your book makes it totally unsuitable for students as well as adults.

The Hanukkah Bunny (One gravestone)

This cute story about a bunny and your Jewish holiday of Hanukkah, we find suitable for Jewish education centers, but totally unacceptable for Christian children. As you are well aware, the bunny is our symbol of Easter. To have cute, little white bunnies representing Hanukkah will confuse our children and hurt their understanding of Easter.

The Greatest Gift  (One gravestone)

We were glad to see that you could write a book without using four-letter words. This excellent collection of  moving short stories is more or less profanity free. But since our ultimite goal is to make all libraries “Juden frei,” we are sorry to inform you that your book does not belong on Florida bookshelves.

Mr. Laitner, please be advised that if we find any of your books in a school or public library, we shall immediately request their removal.

Please govern yourself accordingly and stop writing books.

Signed,

A Mother Wanting to Take Away Your Liberty

President of the Maganuts Chapter

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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