I never forget things that happened to me, and I have an even harder time forgiving. Both others and myself.
My ego is my enemy, my opponent is my teacher. But I have another enemy – my memory. I don’t forget negatives. Whenever someone fails me or I fail someone – I never forget these moments. Ever. I can describe them in detail, they can haunt me almost whenever and if the same thing happens all over again it becomes even more present.
Even though it takes ages for me to forgive someone, I simply can’t forget. Some things are unforgivable. I have done unforgivable things. Others have subjected me to the same. Sometimes a situation creates it, that’s no one’s fault.
I’ve heard countless times that it’s a strength to forgive and move on. It’s easy to say – yet harder to realize. When I have come to my senses and actually forgiven someone, I never ever forget.
Some things needs to be forgotten, but the brain is a peculiar part of our body of yet we understand very little about. My brain can’t forget trauma, injustice, suffering, torture, pressure or economical hardships. It’s impossible.
I can forgive, at times. Most often I can’t. Yet I decide to move along with the culprits – because there is no other way. And they keep failing me. Over and over and over and over again since I was born up until this day.
I think sometimes my failures is somewhat influenced by people who kept failing me. A domino effect. But that’s not true – I’m responsible for my actions and correcting them.
An ugly part is my hunger for revenge. Not physical, but waging psychological warfare. Just recently an old class-mate from high school paid back ~70 USD/EUR. Because I remembered that classmate borrowing that money from me and then disappeared. That was two decades ago. I found her, I sent her a text that she has one chance to reimburse me or I will take it to court. She did.
I’m still on the hunt for Kim Gustafsson, born in 1986 and a former junior hockey player who opened a clothing store. If I ever find you, there is an outstanding debt of 300 USD. Trust me – I won’t forget, nor forgive you.
I can’t forget injustice or live with it. Whether I’m subjected to it or see others suffer. My revenge is sweet. I don’t use excessive means of force. Sometimes revenge is justified, often motivated and by all means unfair. Still, I can admit that taking revenge upon my former bullies in school would be kind of cool. But I let my own achievements be the revenge upon them.
They might not be smart enough to understand that, they might not even notice me. But it gives me a sense of peace.
I reached a point in my life where life and death is eerily lurking around the corner. Corona. I’ve been subjected to multiple life-threatening situations. In Colombia, in Sweden, in Israel, in another country, in Germany, even in the US when I come to think about it. And yeah Russia was kind of insane as well in a way.
During the time we live in, I try to help anyone. I value all life as sacred. No one should die, or suffer. I can set anything aside in times of crisis. But those refusing to understand the meaning of life – i.e. keep living, is utterly disgraceful. To themselves, to their family and their friends.
Now – I’ve touched some sensitive and important topics. Long-term memory, lack of forgiving, our human nature of revenge and helping those in need – who might not even grasp they need help. I certainly do need help.
I’ve admitted my weaknesses. Some say it’s strong being able doing so. I don’t agree. I need help to conquer the inner battles with my own memory, in order not to go crazy.
The only solution that seems to be working is ignoring the people that hurt me the most. That’s a weak way of fleeing, but I’m not capable of taking every battle or control my life-narrative to 100%. Some things I just have to let go, I was weak and didn’t have the energy to clear things out. If I would have done so – I’d have more friends today.
It’s not easy admitting this, but I use this form of medium to letting heavy luggage of my shoulders. It’s purely egoistic. Yet my ego is my enemy.
I have met countless curators and psychiatrists – they have all declared me 100% sane. That makes me anxious. Is this how life should be? Is this life? I want to live life. I don’t want to battle my demons.
I embrace my life, my familys life. My family is my wife and my kids. And my cats. And the ants in the basement. And I choose to make the best out of it in every case.
So to all of you who I sewered ties with, accept it. Live your life. You don’t have a part in my life or my future. I decide and you had your chances. The same goes for those I’ve hurt, I won’t intrude in your life. I let you live yours, so I can live mine.
Soon I’m embarking on two great life adventures – if anyone knows how to tackle my issues, let me know.