Avi Liberman

Natalie Portman returns Harvard degree

After much thought and consideration, Natalie Portman has decided to return her degree from Harvard. When contacted, Portman was more than happy to clarify her controversial decision. “Basically, that degree is associated with intelligence, and I’m not really comfortable with that. I’ve made some really stupid decisions recently, and rejecting the Genesis award in Israel just because the freely elected Prime Minister was going to be speaking there, I thought took the cake. After that, I was like, finally!! I get to give my degree back!! It’s a big relief.”

Portman stated that she did not want to “appear” to endorse Benjamin Natanyahu, and when it was pointed out to her that simply because she will be in the same room with him, and he would be giving a speech, that in no way shows any endorsement of the Prime Minister’s political beliefs, Portman was unfazed. “I named my first kid Aleph. Are we really gonna talk rationally here?” Portman, born in Jerusalem, has traditionally been very supportive of Israel, knowing how often Israel is disproportionately bashed by foreign media, and how it suffers from bad PR. Some however, were not surprised by her decision. Fellow Hollywood star, “Mike” who wanted to remain anonymous, was very supportive. “I mean look, we all know that even though Natalie doesn’t support BDS, this is certainly going to help them, and Israel’s critics out, but come on! We’re talking Hollywood here! If she even gives off a vibe that she may be leaning conservative on anything, she may not work again and she’d have to rely on her current millions. How would she live?“

Another Hollywood star we agreed to call “Everyone” also supported Portman’s decision. “We’re not really into the whole freedom of speech thing, so you either agree with us, or enjoy being a waiter forever. Also, Natalie was upset that people didn’t really pick up on her other stupid stuff. She made that comment at the Golden Globes about the ‘All Male’ nominees for best Director, and when it was pointed out that she has a production company, made 9 movies and never hired a woman to direct other than herself, no one even really noticed. That was when I told her ‘Girl, we gotta do something really stupid, to let the world know you are a Hollywood actress!!!’ I think she did great. I’m very proud of her!”

When asked what the repercussions would be if there was a Prime Minister in office who was from the Labor Party in office, and a Hollywood star who disagreed with the party’s policies rejected an award for the same reason as Portman gave, ‘Everyone’ simply laughed and laughed and stated, “We don’t do the whole ‘put yourself in the other shoe’ thing here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go speak about something I’m not qualified to comment on.”

About the Author
Avi Liberman is a stand-up comic who was born in Israel, raised in Texas and now lives in Los Angeles. Avi founded Comedy for Koby, a bi-annual tour of Israel featuring some of America's top stand-up comedians.