Navigating Love’s Challenges- Why Relationship Coaching Matters

I have a lot to say on most subjects. But the topic of relationship coaching is a sensitive theme for me because it gets a somewhat jaded rap. While I understand some of the nuanced issues people may have, truth be told, I honestly don’t understand the resistance. I truly think that there is great value in the different resources that exist for people who need help, and guidance in issues spanning the relationship spectrum. This applies to people who have been married for many years, as well as those individuals that haven’t even started dating yet. To best meet the needs of people who are struggling in relationships or simply want guidance to enhance what they have, the traditional path would be getting direction from family, friends, teachers or religious leaders. In “worst case scenarios” it was going to a therapist. Over the past number of years, as psychotherapy has become less of a stigma in many communities (but not all), coaching too has grown to become de rigueur. This is due, in large part, to the decrease in the generalized stigma of getting help for issues in the social-emotional and mental health arenas.

The allure of relationship coaching for so many, is that it offers the practitioner more autonomy in the way he or she deals with the said client. Admittedly, it comes with less oversight than traditional therapy, but this is actually the very thing that allows relationship coaches the freedom to create a system that uniquely works for each and every client, without being stuck or pigeonholed. For those that argue that less oversight necessarily means a lesser product, my rejoinder is simply the fact that oversight does not create stellar professionals. It is each individual’s due diligence and vetting that steers people to the best talent in any given field, and relationship coaching is no different. I remember when one of my daughters was in third grade and she complained of a stiff neck and headaches. We took her to a slew of doctors to try and find out what was wrong. We knew that something was off, but we had no clue what it could be. We took her to a “well regarded” neurologist who told us with certainty that it was childhood depression. We felt like we had a plan, and we were strategizing how to deal with it. A few days later we finally got a script for an MRI, and it was then that they found that she wasn’t depressed at all, but rather had a cyst in her spinal cord. That “well regarded” neurologist couldn’t have been more wrong. My point is that I don’t think all neurologists are incompetent just because that one was. But what we did realize is that the onus should have been on us to do our research because no number of degrees, certifications or oversight could take away the cockiness and sloppiness of that neurologist. Better research may have saved us from that very hurtful and potentially harmful experience.

None of this is to say that conformity to ethical codes and structure by way of a regulated system isn’t a positive thing. I believe that in many ways it is. I am merely suggesting that when it comes to something as delicate and nuanced as relationships there is no one size fits all, and the more solid options on the table the better. The field of relationship coaching specially fills this huge growing space and does so in a way that can bear serious fruit. However, in order for the larger population to take relationship coaching more seriously, which is something I most definitely do, the individual coaches need to have some sort of training. I find that often times people want to help, and they may have good things to say but they don’t necessarily know best practices. Additionally, people often engage in styles and techniques that they don’t really know or aren’t proficient in. An area that is imperative for all people to learn is how to stay in their lanes and know what they should offer, and what they cannot. I also realize that I am somewhat of an anomaly in this field due to my academic and professional background, including but not limited to, several higher degrees in therapy, coaching and education. Ultimately, if one is serious about wanting to help others and has a propensity towards it there is real opportunity for people that are good at what they do and embody the ethos of this work.

The most popular question I get is what the difference between coaching and therapy is. The quick answer is that whereas therapy focuses mainly on the reasons for behaviors and thought patterns which requires a deep dive backwards, a coach focuses on who their clients are today, and how they can overcome current problems. I firmly believe that relationship coaching is most effective when approached holistically but tailored to the unique needs of each individual. A holistic approach ensures that all facets of a person’s experience—emotional, practical, and spiritual—are considered, creating a comprehensive support system. However, to truly resonate and drive meaningful change, this approach must be customized to fit the specific context and challenges of each person. By integrating broad principles with personalized strategies, a trusted coach will be able to provide targeted guidance that acknowledges and respects individual differences, ensuring that the coaching process is both inclusive and relevant. This balance allows for a more profound and lasting impact, fostering healthier, more authentic relationships.

Being someone that is sensitive to boundaries of time and financial considerations, I also advocate on behalf of clients that this journey in relationship coaching doesn’t last forever. It is about giving tools, guidance and the necessary help in the present relationship and then moving on. In my opinion, this construct is more in line with the underpinnings of solution-focused brief therapy, which is essentially a modal that promotes a short-term, goal-focused and evidence-based approach. It helps clients move forward by creating solutions rather than focusing on problems.

There are really five areas that I believe relationship coaching can be very helpful and perhaps occupy a different space than traditional therapy.

Action-Oriented Approach: Relationship coaches typically adopt a more proactive, action-oriented approach, providing practical tools and strategies to address specific relationship challenges. This hands-on approach can be particularly beneficial for clients looking for immediate, tangible improvements in their relationships. There is also an emphasis on empowerment and skill-building. This skill-building approach helps clients develop practical abilities they can use to navigate relationship challenges independently.
Short-Term Commitment: As mentioned before, relationship coaching is often designed to be shorter-term and goal focused. Clients may engage in coaching for a few months or until specific objectives are met, whereas traditional therapy might involve a longer-term commitment to explore deeper psychological issues.
Personalized and Customizable: One of my favorite things about relationship coaching is that it tends to be highly personalized, with relationship coaches often tailoring their approaches and strategies to fit the specific needs and dynamics of each couple. This level of customization can provide a more relevant and impactful experience.
Collaborative Partnerships: Relationship coaches often work in a collaborative and equal partnership with clients, fostering a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility for achieving relationship goals. This approach often creates a more engaged and motivated client. It also emphasizes positive reinforcement and celebrating small successes. This focus on strengths and progress helps to build confidence and maintain motivation throughout the process.
Focusing on Future and Specific Goals: Relationship coaching often emphasizes setting and achieving future-oriented goals in real time. The idea is to help clients create actionable plans to improve their relationships in measurable ways. This allows both the client and relationship coach to celebrate the success of each area of development.

These areas are ones that I think not only bolster the discipline but also give direction as to what good healthy relationship coaching should look like. It is important that we give opportunity in this evolving space to different techniques and styles. My hope is that I can be a catalyst in opening up this new avenue for people to get the help they need and do so in a safe, non-judgmental and healthy way.