Kendall Wigoda

Next Semester in Iran or Sudan

As the anti-Israel, Free Palestine protests at universities in the US, Britain and Canada continue, the cities in which these schools reside are being forced to take action. The universities, in most cases, are doing a half-hearted job of getting the protesters under control. Some American universities are threatening to expel the protesters if they don’t pack up their George-Soros-provided tents and dismantle their Rockefeller-Brothers encampments. 

In fact, some of the students may end up forfeiting thousands and thousands of their parents’ hard earned dollars, as well as government loans, because of their refusal to back down from their campus-based intimidation tactics. In addition, they will have absolutely nothing to show for their time in university, beyond a new keffiyeh. They are going to need a Plan B to repay their parents and the government, get an education, all while continuing their totally misguided protests. 

What to do?

Fortunately universities in Iran and Sudan are stepping up to help out. Their universities are now accepting applications from American, British and Canadian anti-Zionist, anti-America, Free Palestine students who, as a result of being suspended or expelled from their previous schools, need a nice safe place to burn American flags, threaten Jews, and get an education among more like-minded people. Could the timing of this offer be any more fortuitous?

It seems that most people who have been following the protesters’ hijinks or those interacting with these masked-keffiyeh protesters regularly would be delighted to have them all leave the United States (and Canada and the United Kingdom in lesser numbers) for Iran and Sudan. It actually sounds like a win-win. Exactly what Iran is known for.

So to ensure that everything in this potentially amazing scenario goes smoothly – we get rid of the hateful, bad actors and Iran and Sudan get partially educated terrorists-in-the-making who can’t wait to complete their education and act on their hate skills –  here’s a list of things to organize before you go. 

  • How will you travel to Iran or Sudan if you end up on a No-Fly list? Sneak into Mexico? Hitchhike to Alaska and swim, water ski or row across the Bering Sea?
  • Are you going to take American flags for burning with you or does Temu (™)  ship to either country?
  • If any of you are transgender you will have to decide in advance if you want to go to classes for men or for women, since they are often taught separately. There are only two choices. Man or woman. You should probably choose man because Sudan, in particular, is anti-education for women. 
  • Which universities have the best support for LGBTQIA+? Since Muslims view anything other than male-female coupling a crime against G-d, you will have your work cut out for you in finding a good support group. 
  • Very important! Can you transfer your credits for Bowling Industry Management (Vincennes University, Indiana), Fermentation Sciences (Colorado State University), Turf Grass Science (Penn State), Gender and Sexuality (University of Pittsburgh), or Queer Theory (Columbia University)? Can you imagine having to begin your degree in Amusement Park Engineering (Ohio University) all over again?
  • How long is winter break in case you want to go home and see your family? Oh right, you’re still on the No-Fly list so you can never go home. Plus your family was run out of town because of you. So forget this question.
  • What are the schools’ policies on tattoos, inter-racial dating and pub crawls? While tattoos are not explicitly banned, it is taking some time for them to gain public acceptance. Maybe you should check out the non-alcoholic pub crawls first.
  • A few house keeping reminders: don’t blow your nose in public, do not use your left hand, never give a thumbs up and do not be outwardly attracted to a person of the same sex.
  • And finally, where do you go to protest against the university, the country and its rulers when you don’t agree with their policy decisions? It’s probably best to do it on Zoom so you will have some plausible deniability when they send the Law Enforcement Command of the Islamic Republic after you. 

If you have answered all these questions to your own satisfaction, then you are ready to go. We don’t know how you will get there, and we don’t know how you will survive once there. Surely it will be better for you than living in the Western countries that you are protesting against with their stupid democracies and their evil, good-for-nothing Jews.

But, in all honesty, we really don’t care.

About the Author
I spent 15 years as a Public Relations and Marketing Communications professional in Canada before making Aliyah in 2002. Since then I have written freelance articles for Israeli newspapers, written lots of marketing communication pieces and taught a lot of English. Sometimes life here is funny and sometimes it is sad, but mostly there's a lot of weird and wonderful moments.