No (Charedi) Child Left Behind
20 years ago, when I started on my journey as a mom, I wanted to be the best mom possible. I became quite the connoisseur of child-rearing classes, reading masses of books and attending hours of lectures. There were quite a few powerful messages, many that I implement to this day with my five children, such as: healthy children thrive within boundaries, chores teach responsibility, each child needs individual attention, and we need to understand the difference between needs and wants. Perhaps the most important one of all was that each child should be raised al pi darchi, according to his way.
This means that just because your oldest is doing really well at School A, School B might be a better fit for your second child. Your oldest might love reading, and your second might be more musical, and one is not better than the other. We should not compare one child to another. We should not make a child feel left out of the family bumper sticker: “We are a family that hikes (except for Esty).” Each child should be encouraged to succeed with their strengths.
It would be difficult to find a parent who would disagree with this. I spent the first 38 years of my life living in Brooklyn, NY, where this was a concept that was taken for granted. Some children went to this type of school, some went to that. Some did these after-school programs, some did others. Some went to college, some learned a trade, and some boys were committed full-time learners, and some girls were happy to support them.
My own family is a perfect example of this: I am one of seven, with three out of my four brothers full-time learners, well into their 50s, in yeshivas such as Brisk in Yerushalayim and Beit Midrash Govoha (BMG) in Lakewood. My oldest brother is a rosh kollel, my youngest brother is a maggid shiur in Toronto, and one of my sisters is a proud Lubavitcher. We get along beautifully, respecting our differences.
So, you can imagine my surprise upon moving to Israel five years ago and learning that all boys ages 14 and up are expected to do the exact same thing: learn Gemara full-time, 12 hours a day, with breaks only for davening. Ball playing is frowned upon, smoking is okay.
This is obviously not realistic. Most boys cannot do that. So what happens is, they end up either struggling to maintain their schedule, or they end up in a sug beit/gimmel/daled yeshiva, where very little real learning actually takes place, and the boys spend their days milling around outside, or perhaps on trips, simply wasting their time. A boy who chooses to go to a school such as a yeshiva tichoni puts the rest of his brothers at risk for being asked to leave the yeshiva ketana.
Girls are allowed some limmudi chol, but not sufficient to earn a recognized high school diploma. This forces them to stay in high school for grades 13th and 14th, where they choose from one of three or four pre-determined tracks, usually education, special education, some computer skill and perhaps accounting or graphic design. These programs are expensive, as they are not subsidized. If a girl chooses to leave school before 13th grade, either to do a different program or maybe elect to complete her high school requirements, her siblings might be asked to leave the school. Her younger sisters need not apply, as they will not be considered. Many girls, knowing the price to pay if they don’t comply, complete grades 13 and 14, and then continue on to what they really wanted to learn, rather it be nursing, medical research, human resources etc.
If you ask parents why they wouldn’t send their children to a school where they learn core subjects such as math and English, where there is a curriculum, perhaps some recreational time, and maybe a basketball hoop, a place where they can be prepared to earn a livelihood, they explain that Israel is different. You have to pick a side. Introducing core study subjects and expecting teachers to have credentials would lead to assimilation, you see. If the boys want to work at some point in their lives, they will manage. After all, look at all these highly successful individuals who don’t even have a high school diploma. The girls always seem to manage in whatever jobs they can find, and are happy to support their husbands in learning.
Well, I don’t agree. Generations of American yeshiva boys and girls have gone through substantial and serious education, with an emphasis on both limudei kodesh and limudei chol, without it affecting their Yiddishkeit. In fact, it enhances it by allowing them to lead proud Jewish lives, while contributing to their community. Seeing a professional, white-collar frum man or woman is the norm in America. In Israel, they go viral. Unfortunately, seeing able-bodied charedi men begging for money is all too common here.
I am so happy to have found Hatzibur Hacharedi, a political party that looks to change the culture and help bring core subjects as well as basic standards to Charedi education. Parents who are able to see what is truly best for their children and want to help them fulfill and develop their abilities to the best of their potential will have the options to do so.
Parents should have school choice. My oldest daughter has completed her Bais Yaakov high school with a full bagriot degree, and my two older sons are both in two different yeshiva tichoni, each one in a setting that is most appropriate to them, and where they are thriving in their learning. They, too, will graduate with full bagriot degrees. We need more schools like these.
A child should not be shamed for not being able to learn for 14 hours a day, just like a fish shouldn’t be shamed for not being able to fly. He should be encouraged to use his abilities, whether that means learning Torah all day, doing hands-on work such as farming or construction, or something more analytical, such as cybersecurity. Girls shouldn’t be limited to a small selection of predetermined fields. Siblings should never be punished for other people’s choices.
We need to give every child the tools that they need to have a chance to succeed both in school and in life.
