Of Maybes and What Ifs

I am confused. And conflicted, and I have a lot of questions. I’m holding on to multiple truths and trying to reconcile them all. I know that we haven’t yet done what we are meant to do. I know that we have to make a change, because whatever we have been doing up until now hasn’t worked. I know that if we don’t insist on making the change on our own terms, then the circumstances will change in order to force the change within us.

This reminds me of the concept in therapy of “changing the script.” Often, when we feel trapped in certain dynamics because of the behavior of another party, therapists will promote the idea that by changing how we interact with others, we can force a shift in the dynamics that will compel the other party to also relate differently, breaking the assumed cycle of interactions. I’d venture to say that Hashem uses this method as well. After becoming frustrated enough with our behavior, He will shake things up in the world, giving us an opportunity to make a change, and to engage differently.

But we are creatures of habit, and we always gravitate to what is familiar. We have a short period of feeling knocked off our feet, and then before long, we figure out how to maintain our state of homeostasis, even when it isn’t working for us. We reject the opportunity to evolve and do something foreign and outside of our comfort zone. In our defense, we don’t know anything different. We also don’t have anyone leading the way. In a big and scary world where we feel lost and alone, what more can we do other than hold on to what we’ve already been holding on to for so long? And herein lies my confusion and conflict. We need to make a change, that is obvious, but we are utterly clueless about how to go about that.

Every generation that does not bring the גאולה is personally responsible. But we were born into this. We don’t know anything different. Who can blame us for not knowing what to do? Who can blame us for not wanting something that we cannot comprehend? The last גלות that was closest to this long was 400 years, and even then, we were rescued with a very small amount of input from our end. How can we, of all generations, a generation that has seen nothing with our own eyes, make the change that everyone before us has failed to make?

We have no leader. We have no intermediary between us and Hashem. We are totally and wholly lost. With every passing year, we get further from the connection to someone who knew, who experienced, who understood exactly what we are missing. So what’s the end game? And if we aren’t going to do whatever it is that we are meant to do, and Hashem is just going to have to swoop in anyway and save us like He did by מצרים, why must we wait so darn long? There must be something that we’ve been working towards. Something unique about our particular circumstances and handicaps that will make it that we, and not those who came before us, can accomplish whatever it is that will bring משיח. But what? It seems like the only thing we have going for us is that we are totally lost. Can that be an advantage?

There is a נבואה in יחזקאל that compares us to a dirty and abandoned baby that the King rescued and cleaned up. He gave us a home, and food, and nice clothes, and when we were old enough, He married us. The נבואה continues that after we “got used” to royal life, ultimately forgetting our humble beginnings, we were unfaithful to the King. This betrayal led to our dismissal. I understand this to describe Hashem waltzing in and miraculously saving us from מצרים, leading up to us becoming ungrateful to Him, and straying from His path. As sad and as unappreciative as this scenario sounds, it also seems very natural. When we are simply given things, we don’t fully appreciate them or relate to them and those that gifted us with them with the proper regard or consideration. It is bound to happen. The only way to fully appreciate something is to work for it, and earn it for yourself. What if our circumstances now are so parallel to those of מצרים precisely as a set up to right what went wrong last time. Maybe we דווקא have to be lost and alone and confused, so that we can be in that same space as the abandoned baby, but now instead of waiting for a miraculous savior, we can fix ourselves up. We can become the kind of people that are attractive to Hashem. We can act in a way that will bring Him towards us not out of pity and benevolence or even commitment, but because we are the type of people He wants to be with.

So who is that?
Well, we can look back in history to know what it is not.

As for what it is, I’m not sure. However, we do have one thing over every generation that came before us. And this is something that I think is tremendous. Maybe if we can manage to capitalize on it, this will be our ticket.

With every previous גלות, Bnai Yisrael had given up. They didn’t believe a גאולה was coming. Even the דור המדבר, whose experiences make up most of the חומש, suffered from a lack of faith and trust in Hashem, when they of all people had the least amount of reason to question it. And yet, here we are, 2000 years cut off from any concept of what it is like to experience Hashem’s revealed presence in this world, and we still believe. We are still holding on to the trust and the faith that Hashem is coming back. אשרינו! Our forefathers who were greatly rewarded for their trust and faith and commitment to Hashem, are the reason we have any שייכות whatsoever. Maybe it is exactly our trust and our faith in the face of our circumstances that can blow this whole thing out of the water.

But if this is true, how come it hasn’t worked for us yet? Maybe this אמונה and ביטחון, which may very well be our strongest tool on our belt, has been used incorrectly this whole time. Maybe we have been using it like a drill mistakenly set to reverse, when we mean for it to be set forward. If we use our אמונה and ביטחון as an excuse to be passive and wait, we are still that helpless baby waiting to be rescued. What if we use that אמונה and ביטחון to make active choices?

What if we act on that אמונה and ביטחון to fix ourselves up to become the nation that Hashem wants to set up camp in. What if we use our אמונה and ביטחון to make a space for Hashem here with us? What if we use it to inform the choices that we make? What if we lean into it to finally take a leap outside of our comfort zone? What if we took chances relying on our belief and trust not just that משיח will come, but that Hashem also has our back at every moment leading up to then?

We shouldn’t be asking questions of what ifs and maybes which won’t give us any answers. We should be asking the questions that we can and should answer and that will make a difference.

אם אין אני לי, מי לי

וכשאני לעצמי, מה אני

ואם לא עכשיו, אימתי

No more what ifs, no more maybes, let’s just do it.