On misunderstandings

If you haven’t watched Larry David, you might want to give it a try. It’s a TV series about a Jewish-American comedian and intellectual who likes to make people mad and mess with their minds by pointing out their little flaws and insecurities. He’s great at detecting and pushing people’s buttons. As you can imagine, Larry David isn’t exactly liked by many in his social circle. Still, his intellect and accomplishments shield him from a lot of unpleasantries and he’s respected by many, even if they openly hate him.

In one episode, Larry David is accused of ”whistling Wagner” by another Jewish man. Wagner was Adolf Hitler’s favorite composer. Larry David retorts that ”there’s a mental hospital down the road, I suggest you check yourself in.” I sometimes come across people who misunderstand my intentions in a similar manner. While I can understand if you lash out because it makes you mad someone doesn’t get what you’re trying to convey, please remember it’s mostly not out of malice but a different set of life experiences; hence different interpretation of your message. Sometimes, I try to clarify. Sometimes, I find it irrelevant and move on. Pick your battles.

I rarely get angry at misunderstandings these days. Rather, as a linguist with frequent cross-cultural contact (I even worked in China, which was like living in another dimension), I’m intrigued by people’s reactions. It’s like a social experiment to me. Why did someone react in a particular way? What causes misunderstandings? Let’s see.

1. The context of the message. Is it in person or online?
2. The immediate social setting. Where is the interaction taking place? Is there a miasma of enmity between you?
3. The general social setting. What’s going on around you? Is there a war coming, are you in a peaceful place in the middle of nowhere, like some island in the Pacific?
4. Do you know your interlocutor? How well do you know him or her? What’s the hierarchy, if any, between you? Do you know them in the so-called real world or just online?
5. What is your emotional state at the time of exchange? Are you ready to punch someone in the face just because?
6. Is it a casual conversation or something serious like a job interview and so on?
7. How long have you known this person?

We constantly signal status to each other. Who gives way to who on the sidewalk? Proxemics is a study of how status and personal space interlink. We mostly do it without even paying attention to these little things, yet they are actually significant.

Directness in a conversation is another important trait. On the cultural directness chart, Israeli society ranks high while Asian societies – unsurprisingly – rank low. Still, it’s not always apparent. In my experience, Asians can be as direct as it gets, if not downright rude. All depends on status that is quickly established between individuals whether we’re aware of it or not – and in Asian societies governed by ”face” virtually everyone is acutely aware of these things. For example, an emotional outburst causes not only the person causing the scene to lose face but it impacts the people around as well. Gets twisted, huh?

Now, society obviously reinforces behavior in all sorts of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Women are more restricted by society and their anger is often ignored or trivialized. Witold Gombrowicz, a Polish writer, coined the term upupienie (in a way: infantilization, trivialization – but humorous) to describe the ones so treated.

To see the level of social restrictions imposed on women, consciously or not, imagine that God – for some reason – turns you into a woman. Suddenly, a lot of interactions you take for granted would be restricted/penalized/non-existent. Your personal space would suffer. Yes, even today, in this supposedly politically correct (only on the surface) world. Besides, if you ever worked in Asia, you know how much political correctness is worth there (hint: zero). The same can be done in reverse, of course.

Polish has a great word for people who are essentially smart Alecs. While someone who is wise and clever is called mądry, someone who only appears to be smart but is actually dumb is called a mędrek (a caricature of mądry, pronounced mendrek). Mędrek is a great word and I wish I could translate it into other languages but it’s just one of those words.

So, next time you are angry at someone and their dumb arrogance, you’re likely dealing with a mędrek. Treat them accordingly or just smile and walk away, depending on your priorities.

To argue with someone, first quickly profile that person to ensure you’re both on the same level of smarts. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time to trade barbs. Pearls before swine, my friend. Amen.