Feynman: the shortest, ‘elegant’ theory is not always the best explanation.
Trigger warning: nothing of the following is pornographic but it does talk of sexual violence and sexuality. If you know such things upset you, only read on when you have emotional support.
These Clarifications are an Optional Read
A first clarification is that contrary to popular belief under therapists, sexual orientation is unchangeable and stipulates what sex/gender one needs for sexuality to connect deeply and destroy existential loneliness forever. It does not mean which sex/gender you fancy, dream of, long for, or actually have sexuality with because those things can change. Hence, sexual preference is not what sex/gender you fancy most, but that for almost all people, only intimacy with one sex may end your loneliness.
Homophobia and heterophoria are fears that may yield to therapy too. Another thing very similarly engraved in your brain is handedness.
The newest statistics say that the percentage of LGBTQAI+ under the present youth has skyrocketed to 20%. One explanation may be that it’s less taboo so more prevalent. But anecdotal evidence tells me that part of the assent comes from confusion about genders and sexual identities. These are not all that you feel and do. To the contrary! These IDs are hard to be proud of because they can’t be changed.
Identities are often ridged stereotypes that are inaccurate for many. Yet they have value because they give members a way to belong, be at home.
A second clarification is that a sex addiction better resembles a food addiction than alcoholism. People don’t do well without food or sex.
Thirdly, I define sexuality as deliberately seeking arousal.
Fourth, I distinguish between snacks we eat to block unpleasant feelings, which taste nice but only give short-term satisfaction, and either spoil your appetite or make you even hungrier vs. nutritious food that hopefully tastes good but definitely satisfies for a long time and provides the building blocks and energy to sustain your health.
Similarly, I recognize the difference between sexuality we engage in to take away unpleasant feelings, that we have, supposedly, for the fun of it, that only gives short-term satisfaction, and, either makes you self-centered, avoid interpersonal sex, or more obsessed with sexuality, and cements your loneliness, and makes you addicted vs. sexuality that hopefully feels good, but definitely satisfies long-term, and when added to a steady relationship with physical and emotional closeness, cements that connection, and over time, ends your existential loneliness.
This Is the Story
Statistically, Gays and Lesbians were found to be more often survivors of childhood sexual violence. Therefore, 30 years ago, many specialists still held that Queerness was the result of trauma and should be curable.
Once, decades ago, I gave therapy to a young adult who didn’t want to be homosexual. This first session became eye-opening to me.
I asked him two questions.
1. ‘Give an overview of the details that arouse you.’ He gave a dozen specifics, from hair color, to facial expression, to lighting, to sounds, etc.
2. ‘What’s your earliest memory connected to sex in any way at all—your first thought is best.’ He described how he was assaulted as a five-year-old.
Well, all the arousal details from question 1 were in this survivor’s report!
What else could we conclude then that the assault had traumatized him into being a homosexual?
However, one thing didn’t fit. No amount of high-quality therapy could ‘cure’ him. Much more study made room for three other explanations.
Plan B
1. It takes courage and awareness to come out. The same courage and awareness may help Gays and Lesbians to remember childhood sexual abuse. They were not more often assaulted. They only reported it more.
2. Predictors often prey on socially wreaker children, those kids who are lesser protected or easier to dismiss as ‘strange.’ Never mind that sexual assault typically leaves you ‘strange.’ So, it could be that homosexual kids are more often sexually abused. But then, the sexual violence didn’t create homosexuality. The causality then was the other way around. Being a Gay or Lesbian kid would make you more at risk for assault.
3. Sexual orientation seems neurophysiologically etched into the brain just before or after birth, while things that bring arousal or disgust are rooted in trauma and open to therapy. What makes you sexual or phobic can change, but what gender/sex you need for sexual bonding is fixed.
Conclusions
What gender or sex you need in someone to deeply and forever end your loneliness cannot change. But what can change is your belief or conviction of what kind of sexuality would give you long-term satisfaction.
Who you will or won’t feel attracted to, fall in love with, or have sex for fun with can change spontaneously, by willpower, through therapy, or when you’re drunk, stoned, and the like. These things are not permanent.
But sexual orientation, the gender you may bond with through sex, is not caused by trauma and cannot ‘heal,’ flip, or become flexible.
You may find more controversial writings on Amazon or my own blog.
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. *
As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. *
This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. *
Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. *
Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. *
Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. *
He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. *
He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. *
He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. *
His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. *
To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. *
His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1
' fill='%230E4F97'%3E%3Cg id='Group-5' transform='translate(370.000000, 11.000000)'%3E%3Cg id='avatar' transform='translate(6.000000, 4.000000)'%3E%3Ccircle id='Oval' cx='8' cy='4' r='4'%3E%3C/circle%3E%3Cpath d='M7.12864205,10 L8.87135795,10 C11.558649,10 14.0087196,11.5384024 15.1762205,13.958831 L16,15.6666667 L16,15.6666667 L15.3374858,17.5134983 C15.228016,17.8186575 14.9774027,18.051811 14.6651459,18.1389975 L8,20 L8,20 L1.33485405,18.1389975 C1.02259733,18.051811 0.771984007,17.8186575 0.662514216,17.5134983 L0,15.6666667 L0,15.6666667 L0.823779545,13.958831 C1.99128041,11.5384024 4.44135104,10 7.12864205,10 Z' id='Rectangle'%3E%3C/path%3E%3C/g%3E%3C/g%3E%3C/g%3E%3C/g%3E%3C/svg%3E)
