Palestinian Throws Rock. United Cancels All Flights

With the news of a fifteen year old Palestinian boy from the Sheik Jarrah neighborhood just outside of Jerusalem throwing a rock at a passing car earlier today, United Airlines has decided to cancel all flights to Israel. While the small rock missed the car, the airline did not want to take any chances so they have suspended all flights to Israel for at least one week, but the situation is fluid as stated by United representatives. United VP of marketing Jeff Prichard was quoted, “We strive to provide the safest possible environment for our customers. The chance that a stray rock from a fifteen year old who throws like a girl could land within thirty miles of an airport is something we take seriously.” When evidence was shown that no rocks, or even missiles for that matter, have any effect on air traffic from other airlines who have continued to fly in and out of Israel, Prichard stood firm with the airline’s decision.“While we are aware that some other airlines continue to travel to Israel, there are others that have also cancelled flights. Jihad Airways, Hamas Express and College Campus Air have also cancelled flights so it’s not just us!”

Aside from the airlines that have continued to provide service in and out of Israel, El Al said it would not waiver in its decision to continue to provide service. The airline’s spokesman, Yoram Barak was quoted as saying, “These babies… I mean uhh… colleagues didn’t really check with us as far as incidents that could be considered dangerous, which has been great for us. There hasn’t even been one! Not even close. Sure the stupid Iranians launched some missiles that did no damage, but I’m not telling them that. I basically went on a PR campaign to tell these idiots… I mean… colleagues that I would cancel flights myself if I could. We’ve been able to jack up prices through the roof! We’re making a fortune! We love it.”

El Al was asked if they felt that price gauging is appropriate at this time, but Mr. Barak defended the airline’s decision as far as the price increases. “Look, it’s basic supply and demand. Why should Fly Dubai and the Emirates continue to bust the myth that flying here is dangerous without us making at least some profit out of it? I tried to convince them also that it’s dangerous, but they began looking at facts and it totally screwed us. I even sent a ‘Free Palestine’ and watermelon emoji in my last email but they didn’t fall for it. Thank God for the dummies at United! I mean they’ll go to Kiev, Sudan, whatever. You name the war zone and they’ll do it, but the situation here of course is too dangerous. I’m sure that Israel has a bunch of Jews in it has nothing to do with it!” Barak then laughed out loud but was hopeful that United’s policy would continue so the profit margin on El Al flights would remain.