Parenting and Life’s Trials: Seeking Divine Guidance and Repentance

One of the most exhilarating moments in a woman’s life is giving birth. I remember the excitement of hearing the midwife announce whether it was a girl or a boy, and then holding my newborn in my arms. During the nine months of pregnancy, I would often imagine this new child bringing only joy into our lives. However, the joy wasn’t everlasting. Life is rarely just joy and happiness; otherwise, it would become mundane and lose its appeal. Sleepless nights and sibling rivalry taught me not to take joyful moments with my children for granted.

Then there are parents whom God entrusts with an even greater challenge: raising children with special needs. While sibling rivalry and puberty are common struggles, these parents face additional trials. As one mother shared with me, “I guess God has more confidence in me than I do.” There are many tears, anger, and frustrations directed towards God, but eventually, one must reach a level of acceptance, or the anger will consume them. Each parent can choose to rise to the challenge or succumb to despair. Sometimes, a parent’s best effort is simply keeping their head above water. But with perseverance, rising above the difficulties and striving to be the best mother becomes the norm.

A friend once reached out to me, distressed and angry over finding a half-bottle of whisky in her daughter’s room. Alcohol was strictly prohibited in their home, and her daughter was on heavy psychiatric medications. Mixing alcohol with these medications could be deadly, while not taking the medication could lead to severe mental health crises. The mother was deeply worried about her child’s future and the natural consequences of her poor decisions. Her daughter lacked the coping mechanisms and desire to deal with life’s challenges. She hadn’t yet hit rock bottom, a common fear for parents of children with mental health issues.

In such situations, parents must learn to “let go and let God.” There is only so much a parent can do, especially if the child is over 18 and legally considered an adult. Perhaps one day the law will recognize that adulthood should be defined by maturity rather than just age. A parent can model true faith when they believe that everything is for the best, even when they cannot see the entire picture. It is not easy but repeating such mantras as: God is watching over my child or This is God’s plan and All of God’s plans are good. Make your own mantra and keep on saying it. 

Reflecting on my friend’s situation, I realized we are now in the month of Elul, a time for repentance and drawing closer to God. During the High Holidays, we pray, “God, You are our Father, and we are Your children.” I suggested to my friend that she project her feelings about raising her daughter on her relationship with God. Just as her daughter engages in irresponsible behavior by drinking alcohol while on medication, we too often act out of self-will rather than God’s will. How frequently do we justify our own actions? This young woman’s emotional pain is evident, and running away from problems never helps. Confronting and dealing with problems is the way forward. How often do we avoid addressing our issues, sometimes allowing them to grow worse? Teshuva requires a person to be self aware and to correct their ways.

Understanding another person’s actions from their perspective can help us empathize with their pain. If we recognize our own flaws in others, it’s easier to validate their actions and feelings. This empathy can diffuse anger and resentment, making it easier for a child to accept boundaries set by a parent, seeing them as acts of love rather than anger.

During the High Holidays, consider imagining yourself as a child and God as our parent. Just as a parent acts with love and kindness toward a child, God treats us with love and kindness. The goal of parenting is to guide and teach children so they can become the best version of themselves. Similarly, God gives us challenges to help us grow and reflect His image. Sometimes, a parent must set boundaries or administer discipline for a child’s safety and growth. These actions teach accountability and responsibility, even if the consequences are difficult.

When we pray, we recognize our actions, take responsibility, and understand that we may face consequences. This process is driven by God’s love, similar to how a loving parent disciplines a child. By internalizing this concept, we can view hardships as coming from a place of divine love. We should ask ourselves: What actions do I need to take responsibility for to become a better person?

In Orthodox Jewish tradition, the concept of “hashgachah pratit” (divine providence) teaches us that every event in our lives is overseen by God, who provides guidance and support through every challenge we face . Understanding this helps us to see our struggles as part of a greater divine plan and encourages us to act with intention and faith.

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Rena Perlmutter – Parent Coach

For any questions contact Rena at renaperlmutter5@gmail.com