Parenting in Reverse-When Kids Run the Show

We’ve all been there at some point in our lives as parents. The kids turn our lives upside down and we are on their schedules conforming to their needs and wants. I myself have been part of this; replete with playing dress up and having my hair (what’s left of it) brushed and perhaps the occasional lip-gloss…. Because as parents that is what we do for our children. It’s appropriate for parents to give children a relative amount of autonomy at times, in order for them to be empowered to pretend, dream and imagine. This of course helps to foster elements of creative thought and forms certain facets of independence, all of which is necessary for healthy growth. As children grow older, increasing autonomy becomes essential for their development, especially during adolescence. However, this process of expanding independence can often be challenging and may not always unfold smoothly. In fact, at times it causes significant concerns regarding the actual functioning of the nuclear family, with implications that are far reaching.

My mother used to have a saying “What’s cute at three is not cute at ten.” The point being that things we think are endearing when our children are younger only remains cute for a finite amount of time. As our children get older it becomes inappropriate and off-putting. However, in some cases what we think of as being cute at three or five can actually become downright problematic for families. Specifically, but not exclusively when children become so controlling within the family dynamic that parents are held hostage.[i] It is a dynamic that’s quite frankly difficult to watch as it plays out.

In these cases, children restrict parental movement. They decide what can be said and how it is said. This can mean regarding menus for meals, vacations, spending… even affection between husband and wife. The construct is so warped that it actually flips the roles so that the children become the parents, and the parents become the children.[ii] Needless to say, this is unhealthy and something that needs to be rectified as soon as parents are made aware of it.[iii] The question is how to parent effectively by allowing our children the space to grow and evolve in a healthy way, giving them a certain amount of autonomy, while also ensuring that this autonomy does not lead to an expanding rift within the nuclear family to the point where the family structure itself becomes toxic.

Labeling things such as disorders, problems, or emotions is important because it helps us understand and communicate complex experiences in a structured way. When we label a condition, whether it’s a mental health disorder or a specific emotion, we can better identify its characteristics, triggers, and impacts, which facilitates diagnosis and treatment. For example, recognizing symptoms of borderline personality disorder, depression or anxiety allows individuals to seek the appropriate care and support. Moreover, labeling can validate personal experiences, helping individuals feel understood and less isolated. So allow me to label this type of behavior so we can start to understand it and learn how to navigate its complexities.

Parentification can occur when children assume adult roles, particularly in families where parents are too emotionally or physically weak to provide proper discipline and guidance. In such situations, children may take on responsibilities like managing household affairs, making decisions, or even providing emotional support to the parent. This shift in roles can lead to an unhealthy dynamic, as the child becomes the de facto authority figure in the home, while the parent remains passive or unable to enforce boundaries. The absence of consistent discipline can cause the child to feel weighed down with adult responsibilities, which disrupts their emotional development and creates a power imbalance within the family. Research shows that children in these situations often struggle with anxiety, identity confusion, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life.[iv] These dynamics can also perpetuate cycles of dysfunction, as the child is forced into a caretaking role they are not equipped to handle.

What I referred to earlier is, in my opinion, an offshoot of this concept of parentification. When children assume the role of parent, irrespective of the fact that it is often associated with the abdication of the responsibility by the parent due to his or her own incompetence in this area, it creates dysfunction, tension and throws the family system off. The topsy-turvy nature of this dynamic in its most extreme form can create co-dependency, resentment or even worse alienation.[v]

The question that begs to be asked is how does one avoid this from happening and what should parents do if it does happen? Preventing this from happening is rather straight forward and easy. Parents must make sure that their roles are clearly defined. This can be done by maintaining healthy boundaries while at the same time, ensuring that they fulfill their responsibilities as parents and give their children the space they need to be kids. Relying on friends and family for support during difficult times (which is when many families start to experience issues) is an important element to this as well. When adults get involved in an official, quasi-official or unofficial capacity it prevents children from being drawn into adult roles.[vi] As with all situations that come up in interpersonal relationships, open and honest communication is always important and a foundation stone of healthy functioning.

What happens when the family dynamic begins to unravel, and negative patterns take hold? When roles become blurred or even reversed, and children start dictating parental behavior, the balance within the home can feel chaotic and overwhelming. How can families break free from these destructive cycles and restore a sense of order, harmony, and functionality? Reclaiming the family system requires intentional effort and a willingness to recalibrate roles and responsibilities. Parents must take the lead in reestablishing boundaries, fostering mutual respect, and modeling the behavior they wish to see in their children. With the right tools and guidance, even the most strained relationships can find a path back to connection and calm.

The first step is to recognize the problem which is often times the hardest part of the process. In order for this to happen it requires acknowledgment of the specific dynamics that led to the issue to begin with. This can happen either through self-awareness or professional input. The second step is to apologize to the child or children. When parents accept and admit past mistakes and reassure their children that they are not responsible for the issue it can help to begin the rebuilding of trust. Children inherently crave structure and stability within their environment. When role reversals occur within a family, it is rarely the result of deliberate actions by the children. Typically, this stems from a larger issue tied to the parents’ ability to establish and maintain clear boundaries. Ensuring that roles are well-defined not only provides children with the emotional security they need but also helps restore functionality to the family system.[vii] The third step is the most important of all and that is the reestablishment of roles. This is a gradual process in which a realignment of family roles needs to take place ensuring that children understand where their role begins and ends. This of course, in my opinion, needs to be coupled with good, competent relationship coaching (I’m impartial as you know) to help children work through any maladaptive patterns that formed during this time. If the child experienced any deeper emotional wounds or trauma then therapy would be the appropriate course of action. Concurrent with this, as the parents restore healthy boundaries is that they should be demonstrating healthy relational behaviors and look to offer a secure and stable environment moving forward.

Parenting is difficult. It doesn’t come with an instruction manual and often makes us doubt our abilities. When boundaries blur, and roles between parents and children reverse, the family dynamic becomes strained, placing undue pressure on children to act beyond their developmental means. This not only disrupts their sense of security but also leaves parents feeling disempowered and uncertain. Reclaiming parental authority through clear, consistent boundaries is critical to restoring balance and ensuring emotional stability within the family. Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about navigating challenges with courage. When we redefine roles with structure which is rooted in love, we create a family environment where children can grow, and parents can lead with confidence.

[i] Smetana, J. G. (2000). Parenting and children’s autonomy: A social-developmental perspective. Parenting: Science and Practice, 1(1), 35-52.

[ii] Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.

[iii] Jurkovic, G. J. (1997). The impact of parentification on children: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 11(2), 159–165.

[iv] Ibid

[v] Engelhardt, J. A. (2012). The developmental implications of parentification: Effects on childhood attachment. Graduate Student Journal of Psychology, 14(1), 45–52.

[vi] Dariotis, J. K., Chen, F. R., Park, Y. R., Nowak, M. K., French, K. M., & Codamon, A. M. (2023). Parentification vulnerability, reactivity, resilience, and thriving: A mixed methods systematic literature review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(13), 6197.

[vii] Macfie, J., McElwain, N. L., Houts, R. M., & Cox, M. J. (2005). Intergenerational transmission of role reversal between parent and child: Dyadic and family systems perspectives. Family Relations, 54(4), 500-511