Parshat Matot: From Silence to Wisdom

Keeping one’s word is key to respect. In order for one to be acknowledged and respected they must first prove loyalty. Many clients as they start talk therapy, it may take them a nice few sessions before they truly open up. They must first get to know their therapist and gain their trust, otherwise it would be unprofessional for the professional to keep this relationship going. The same is true with all relationships, we need that bond of trust and security with the other before we can engage in anything that if these two break apart, they should know that their secret stays with them.

Way too many times do we see and hear of stories where confidential information or compromising knowledge were leaked due to personal gains. The only reason you gained this information is because you swindled your way into another’s personal life, but what’s even worse is when two people form a relationship out of love and slowly distance themselves all the way to the extreme of hate. Having someone who had your heart and wished to share it all, having to fall back from this dream is hard enough, but revealing their inner secrets, that’s a crime.

We tend to think of gossip and Lashon Hara as mere good ideas for a functioning society, but the truth is, each person is a world of their own. Their families that see them for the personality they are, their friends who see them with the gifts that they brings with along them, their spouses that get to know them intimately, and of course to themselves with their dreams and hopes. If you want to have a functioning society you must have functioning people first. As we know the famous phrase, “There is no king without a nation,” there cannot be a nation without its people.

Speaking ill of another is destructive and devastating, it should be one of the strongest principles for a person to embed this knowledge within themselves. The Mishna states in Avot 3:13,, “The boundary to wisdom is silence.” Someone who knows how and when to keep their mouth shut is definitely a person who hangs out in the chambers of wisdom. There are things on our mind that we itch to share with others and it requires much more effort of much more time of the day to keep it all in. Being in a constant struggle in the mind allows you to expand on this topic in the comfort of your own brain, and thus, the intellect starts to grow.

Being alone is different than being by oneself. Someone who is alone is completely conscious of the reality around them, being by oneself would be one who is completely aware of their reality. Knowing what the facts are and processing that information in the brain and knowing what to spit out, is similar to a coin sorter that processes the larger value apart from the lower one. Being in the mind is what you’re doing now while reading this, the things around you don’t matter, rather it is the wish to know more that will possibly give you guidance in the future. Having this knowledge means that you’ll know to bring awareness to this subject in your life so that you can better yourself in the future.

Becoming a better person requires introspection. Speaking everything out in the open is unhealthy. Why should we go around telling people of our escapades and not worry about the future repercussions. What if we change our ways, are we doomed to this fact forever? We need to have another chance in life and we only hope that the right people will give us that opportunity. The relationships we build are for us to know that when we fall we have someone to count on to pick us back up. We sign up to do the exact thing with the other, and that truly brings light into the home. When we speak of love we speak of feeling the other all the time, wishing deeply to help the other person even when things are fine. “Let me be there for you, because the good way I feel about myself is how I wish for you to feel.” One would ask, isn’t this a selfish move, loving somebody else because we want the same in return? When you truly love someone you feel better helping than receiving. If you see that your relationship makes you feel that way you will be comfortable enough to share your deepest secrets and desires.

Knowing when to talk and to whom to talk to are fundamental to a growing and healthy society and we must encourage this mentality to continue being prosperous. Don’t talk about others, and please don’t love someone else if you can’t love yourself. Two broken souls may appreciate their growth as a team, but if one is broken and the other oblivious it may just be another stop in the cycle of life. Learn how to look inside and seek out pure wisdom from wiser and older people. Wisdom works in metaphors and sooner or later you will find something that associates with your personal story and you will apply those lessons to yourself. You may find wisdom in silence and you may find it in the silence of the writer’s mind. Open books, read Seforim and you will open your mind to a new world of lessons and guidance. 

When a person makes a promise; “I won’t be eating bread for the next thirty days,” what they’re essentially doing is shutting themselves out of a particular subject in order to better themselves in their weakness. They need some introspection as to why they are so addicted to this certain behavior so they anchor it down with an oath so that it is no longer an avoidable subject. They must now deal with this issue in order to make things right. But what if a person misuses his ability by promising to never talk to a certain person ever again, how is that productive? We may take time away for ourselves but if this man keeps this hatred in front of him for too long they will certainly succumb to the greatness of the burden. Just like any secret that is too hard to hold, we become completely surrounded by it and get lost in the vastness of the void. 

We must learn to find people to confide in so that we can gain their perspective of things, as Shlomo writes in Mishlei 12:25, “Worry in a man’s heart should be conversed with others”. Naturally, as we started, we must first gain their trust. So it is no wonder why we see in this week’s Parsha that when a woman makes a promise, her husband can violate it for her. “Aren’t we a couple that should discuss our weaknesses and problems?” No wonder why Rabbi Nosson in the Gemara Shabbos 32b says, “For the sin of vows, the wife of man dies.” We need to find people in our life that care for us deeply, people who love us with sincerity so that when things go wrong we have someone to confide in.

As the Torah points out, a Rabbi too is one who can help with your vows. He can help you unburden yourself from the shackles of the past. He can help you out with your broken heart and steer you properly in the right direction. When we need help we must remember, silence and trust are just the beginning, the ultimate win is when we apply the new wisdom and reconnect to our soul to live the most fulfilling life. And even more so, learning to confide in Hashem, for He is the one Who gave you this life and it is Him that will best guide you.

David Lemmer is an Orthodox Jewish Hypnotherapist and Author. You can reach him at LemmerHypno@gmail.com