And now for something completely different . . .
Preview of the Trump Address
To acknowledge his remarkable achievement in facilitating an end to this horrible war, President Donald Trump has been invited to address the Knesset. This is an altogether fitting and proper honor. In his inimitable way, President Trump was the indispensable catalyst that brought about the historic agreement to end the fighting and bring home the remaining hostages.
Here is the speech he should make:
“It is with great humility that I address the Knesset. I hope and pray that this agreement will bring about the enduring peace that you all have yearned for since the State of Israel was established. If, God forbid, that is not the case, I hereby pledge that the United States of America will always stand beside you, fighting with you and supporting you against your enemies. I hope and pray that this agreement will commence a process by which those enemies are transformed into partners and friends. We will do everything in our power to help facilitate a lasting peace of that nature.
“You have paid a great price in achieving this result. Your military has covered itself with glory and your nation has shown incredible resolve and bravery. I salute you.
“I would like to quote the great words from the second inaugural address of Abraham Lincoln. ‘With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan—to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.’
“God bless Israel and God bless America.”
Here is the speech Donald Trump is more likely to make:
“I am proud and humbled to be addressing the Knesset to mark this auspicious date, the date I single-handedly ended 3,000 years of war and entered the ranks of the great leaders in this part of the world. Moses, Jesus, King David . . . all great men. But none of them even came close to achieving what I have achieved. Moses never even made it to Israel and never moved any embassies to Jerusalem. Unlike me, who survived two assassination attempts, you people know what happened to Jesus. And King David played musical instruments and wrote Psalms. On my teleprompter it says P-salms, but they told me it’s pronounced Sahms. That will tell you all you need to know about King David. Real men don’t write puh-salms.
“Let me say a few words about me: I’m the best. I mean, I do this stuff better than anybody. I’m intelligent. Some people would say I’m very, very, very intelligent. Smarter than Sleepy Joe. I’m very highly educated. I know words. I have the best words. I’m also very rich. And I think that I am actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.
“How’s this for humility? I want to thank all the people who helped bring about this great result. Bibi, you were great, even though you were achieving nothing until we teamed up and I gave you some guidance. Egypt and Turkey, two countries with handsome leaders, were also helpful. And Qatar. The prince of Qatar is even richer than I am, so you have to show him a lot of respect, even if he has been bankrolling Hamas and is in bed with terrorists.
“No one thought I could do this. Bring peace to people who have been fighting for thousands of years. That sissy-boy Macron tried to get involved. I told him to go back to his Mommy. Or wife. Whatever is going on with that? I am married to Melania. Have any of you seen her? That’s what a wife should look like. Even you folks from Degel Hatorah can appreciate that. I moved the embassy to Jerusalem. And then I did the Abraham Accords, or as we say here, the Avraham Accords. I like how that sounds. Av. Rah. Ham. And then I decided to end this war, which has been so costly and destructive, and to bring home the hostages. So I did.
“And now we must build an enduring peace. I still hope that they will ask me to develop the Gaza Strip into prime real estate properties. I won’t have to pay anything for it. Free Palestine. If it’s free, you don’t pay. Trump Gaza Plaza. Gah-zah. Plah-zah. Sounds good, no?
“We will make Israel strong and safe again. And we will make America great again, greater than ever before. And we will protect the people in Gaza from the Israelis and the Israelis from the people in Gaza by building a great wall. You have never seen such a wall, and do you know what the best thing is? I know that you people don’t like to pay for anything, so Mexico is going to pay for the wall.
“God bless the United States of America.
“God bless Israel.
“And God bless me. Even though I didn’t sneeze. And if Hamas doesn’t keep its word, they all better be prepared to die like dogs.”
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Whatever speech he makes, thank God for Donald Trump and the people who elected him.