Satire: Hamas Leader Graciously Accepts Newly Vacated Post at UPenn

Just days after the resignation of University of Pennsylvania’s president Liz Magill, the Upenn board of trustees was quickly able to find a suitable replacement in Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh. When asked about the board’s decision to oust Ms. Magill, multiple trustees weighed in.

“Ms. MaGill’s recent statement to Congress was absolutely unacceptable. All we were looking for was the tiniest bit of moral clarity, and all she could do was equivocate.”

“Izzy was clearly the strongest replacement candidate for the position. We needed someone who was unwavering in his viewpoint on genocide. The Ivy League can no longer diminish its reputation with ‘almosts’ and ‘maybes.’ We must be resolute in our commitments.”

At Haniyeh’s reception dinner at College Hall, he humbly addressed a warm audience. “While I have thus far failed in my mission to eradicate the Zionist entity and the Zionists, I believe I am now in a place that will nurture my values and allow me to live out my potential as a leader. I look forward to flowering in a space that truly accepts me.” 

When interviewed about Liz Magill’s rapid exit, new president Haniyeh relayed his well wishes.

“While I have no ill feelings towards my predecessor and colleague, I do hope she will take the necessary time to reflect on her cowardice.”