Self-Compassion in Parenting- Be Kind to Yourself For The Sake of Your Children

I had the privilege once of working with a family that came to me with several presenting issues. In their very busy household, Shana and Jason (names were changed to protect their anonymity, but I received permission from them to tell this story) parents of two teenage children, were juggling full-time jobs, school pick-ups, extracurriculars, and the constant demands of household chores. Despite their best efforts, they often felt like they were falling short.

One particularly stressful evening, Shana found herself locked in a battle with one of her boys regarding a hangout at a friend’s house. He was resisting her pushback with all his might, and after a long day, Shana’s patience was wearing thin. As the argument escalated, Jason came in to intervene, but his frustration quickly turned into a heated exchange.

Later that night, as Shana lay awake, she replayed the evening’s events in her mind. She felt overwhelmed by guilt, thinking about how she had lost her temper and failed to manage the situation calmly. She berated herself for not being the “perfect” parent she aspired to be. Jason, too, was grappling with his own self-criticism, questioning if he was providing enough support and if the two of them were doing enough for their children.

Blog writer Matt Walsh once said, “Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do.” The truth of the matter is that it isn’t just difficult, but it can be deflating as well. Parenting is like playing Wack-A-Mole, only you always lose. Things come up that need to be dealt with and as soon as one gets it under control, something else pops up. I would concede that at different stages in a child’s development there are multiple types of issues that need to be dealt with, which of course leads to different areas of frustration. The issue isn’t so much the fact that parents get upset and frustrated with their children, this is to be expected. Rather, the emotional turmoil doesn’t end there. It continues after the quiet in the house is restored and parents sit back and reflect on the events of the day. Enters a sort of depressive flood of thoughts in which one thinks to him or herself, “what did I do wrong”, “how could I have been better”, “did I scar my child?”, “Does my child hate me”. These are all legitimate questions, but they are accompanied by self-blame, doubt and deprecating emotions none of which serve the best interest of parent or child.[1] Whereas negative thoughts and feelings seem to have deleterious manifestations, the role of self-compassion in parenting may actually improve parenting skills by reducing guilt and shame as well as improving wellbeing when dealing with difficult situations.[2]

Self-compassion is understood by leaders in the field to be a “self-attitude that involves treating oneself with warmth and understanding in difficult times and recognizing that making mistakes is part of being human” [3] I love this definition because it speaks not only to the importance of compassion, but to the human element in general and the fact that mistakes are part of the human condition specifically. This is such an important message that all parents need to hear as they navigate the twists and turns that are part and parcel of the parenting experience. It’s ok to make mistakes. In fact, mistakes make one human. Rather than harbor guilt, shame or anger, embrace your humanity and celebrate what that means.

Besides for the numerous benefits to both parents and children when one shows self- compassion, there is something much deeper at play. No one functions at their best when feeling depressed or upset. In 2017, an amazing study came out that suggested that when a person is in a bad mood it actually impacts their ability to be empathetic to other people![4] Imagine the implications of this. If I am having a bad day and my child is having a bad day, I literally will have a more difficult time if at all, being empathetic to my child’s pain. That’s wild! This is a perfect example as to why self-compassion is so integral to successful parenting. It allows us to access emotions that might otherwise be cut off due to the rigmarole of our busy lives. Our schedules are so often fraught with feelings like frustration, anger and others that we bring back into our houses after long and busy days. These emotions ultimately preclude us from giving what we can and receiving what we need. While our children are resilient and typically won’t experience lasting effects from this emotional deprivation, it does create a negative self-perception by many parents. This vicious cycle feeds on itself and both children and parents fall prey to it. But how do we increase our self-compassion to mitigate the destructive elements that we may face when raising children?

There are really three main areas that self-compassion combats which may have a positive impact in untold ways. The first is that of general stress reduction. Increasing self-compassion helps parents manage stress and avoid burnout, as it fosters a more supportive and understanding approach to personal challenges. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, “Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a good friend, which can significantly reduce stress and promote emotional resilience”.[5] By practicing self-compassion, parents are better equipped to handle the pressures of parenting, maintain their well-being, and avoid the detrimental effects of burnout that often accompany the demands of raising children.

Emotional regulation is also improved when one practices self-compassion. Once parents are able to regulate their emotionality, they can work together to help children regulate their own as well. Without this internal adjustment, passions will burn strong and unbridled resulting in fighting, negative energy and a fear of emotional shutdown. This sort of energy will linger and often set children off in other ways due to their immature channeling of their emotional energy.

Lastly, “do as I say not as I do”, is the most ineffective form of parenting. I am always quick to recalibrate parental thinking, when relevant, to understand that children will mimic many things from parental behaviors. Thus, if we want to leave our children with a legacy of being kind to themselves and being emotionally healthy then we must model for them self-compassion.

So, what are some practical strategies for cultivating self-compassion?

Affirmations and positive self-talk- Part of one’s waking rituals must include a kind inner dialogue. No one needs to know about it so there is no reason to be embarrassed. It is advantageous to parents when one looks in the mirror and says things like: “I am capable and resilient. I handle challenges with grace and strength.”, “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough. Every effort counts towards my growth.”, “It’s okay to make mistakes. Each mistake is an opportunity to learn and improve.” Don’t be embarrassed, just do it and you’ll feel stronger!
Self-care routines- This can mean anything from daily walks to more aggressive workouts, healthy breakfasts or taking on a hobby. It’s not so much about the ‘what,’ but rather about what is actually happening.
Acknowledging imperfections- Recognizing that mistakes are an inevitable part of parenting and learning from them is a fundamental aspect of effective and healthy childrearing. From an emotional perspective, prioritizing this acceptance in daily life is crucial. Understanding that errors are a natural part of the process can be transformative, particularly for those striving to reshape their self-view.
Mindfulness meditation- When we think of meditation, often times it includes Buddhist monks or some hippy wearing Birkenstocks, sitting in a lean-to and watching the sunrise. But there are really simple mindful practices that help people stay grounded and present and doesn’t require them hopping on a flight to Tibet. Intertwined with this is learning good breathing techniques which can help to manage stress and enhance emotional awareness.

Self-compassion offers several benefits for parents, including enhanced patience, a clearer understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses, improved relationships with children through greater positivity and empathy, and increased resilience and adaptability. This last area is important because learning how to adapt to changing circumstances and bouncing back from setbacks is something that we all struggle with. Being able to master this challenge not only sets us up for success as individuals and parents but allows us to role model it and teach our children by example.

Lest anyone think that I am living in Lala land. I know that this is easier said than done. I appreciate the challenges that come along with practicing self-compassion. Things like perfectionism, guilt and self-judgment can all get in the way of working on oneself. I like to remind people that in my line of work I am not looking for the big wins, I am looking for the small successes. The reason being that big wins are fun and exciting but more often than not, it happens too fast, and it quickly fades away. In contrast, with small successes it may take longer to achieve a desired result, but they stay with the individual longer. So don’t get disheartened. Embrace your small steps forward and enjoy the impact that it has on the health of yourself and your family.

In the demanding journey of parenting, embracing self-compassion is not just a luxury but a necessity. When parents are kind to themselves, they model resilience and empathy for their children, fostering a nurturing environment that benefits the entire family. By acknowledging their own struggles and treating themselves with the same kindness they offer others, parents can reduce stress, avoid burnout, and enhance their ability to connect with their children on a deeper level. Ultimately, self-compassion transforms the parenting experience from one of self-criticism and exhaustion to one of growth and connection. As we navigate the challenges of raising our children, let us remember that by nurturing ourselves with compassion, we create a wellspring of love and strength from which our families can thrive. After all, the most profound gift we can offer our children is the example of a parent who, on their own journey of self-kindness, has learned to embrace life with grace and courage.

[1] Psychogiou, L., Legge, K., Parry, E., Mann, J., Nath, S., Ford, T., & Kuyken, W. (2016). Self-compassion and parenting in mothers and fathers with depression. Mindfulness, 7(4), 896–908.

[2] Sirois, F. M., Bögels, S., & Emerson, L.-M. (2018). Self-compassion improves parental well-being in response to challenging parenting events. The Journal of Psychology, 153(3), 327–341.

[3] Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation. Society for Personality and Social Psychology, 38 (9), 1133-1143.

[4] Li X, Meng X, Li H, Yang J, Yuan J. The impact of mood on empathy for pain: Evidence from an EEG study. Psychophysiology. 2017 Sep;54(9):1311-1322.

[5] Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks, 2011.