Semordnilap

Literature and psychology are chock full of adages encouraging people to adopt an optimistic perspective. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who argues against the truth behind the advantages of viewing the glass as half full or the world through rose-colored glasses, but it is rather difficult to find people who are good at putting this into practice.

Perspective has the indisputable power to turn an entire scenario on its head; however, contrary to popular belief, it is an approach that cannot simply be adopted. It can be encouraged and fostered, but more than anything else, it needs to be developed. It is not merely the choice to view something in a particular way, but rather the ability to see beyond face value and understand that like the warning on your car’s side mirrors, objects are larger than they appear. 

This car mirror analogy is particularly fitting. A mirror only reflects what we know to be there, and yet, we are warned that there exists a reality that this reflection does not capture. Or to be more precise, we cannot process the reflection as an accurate expression of reality. We must look at the mirrors to be aware of our surroundings and to make informed and safe driving decisions, while simultaneously holding the truth that we cannot fully rely on what we see.

In life, we often take the information available and relate to each fact as another puzzle piece. Our brains, quite adept at autocorrect, naturally arrange these pieces based on their shapes and colors to put together a coherent picture. To illustrate my point, what I if told you that you are reading this sentence wrong? 

It is very natural to put all of the puzzle pieces in our possession together in a way that they all interlock in order to make sense out of them, but what if there is another piece that we do not even realize is missing? Potentially, and most likely, holding this missing piece in our hands would force us to rearrange all of the previous pieces, determining a completely different outcome. Can you imagine what would be if we were missing more than one piece? 

Now, what if we have the border of the puzzle already in place? A frame that defines the unrevealed picture to some extent. Suddenly, we have more clarity on how many pieces there are and where the pieces that we do have fit. The structure even offers insight into the specifics of the missing pieces. If we do manage to put what we have together, the existence of the context gives a more realistic idea of what we are looking at than if we didn’t have that definition. While context got a bad rap thanks to three Ivy League clowns, the leaders of these disgraced institutions were not wrong about it being a necessary factor. Context determines everything. The mistake these infamous ladies made was ridiculously asserting that the context wasn’t there, thereby denying both the facts and the context. Don’t let their shenanigans confuse you. Context does in fact matter.

In my experience, people feel that cultivating a positive perspective demands selective blindness. It means denying things that we know to be true. Pretending is hard, especially when we have strong feelings. Herein lies the cognitive dissonance between valuing an optimistic outlook, but failing to put it into practice. How does one bridge this gap? 

As we have already established, our perspective is like a puzzle: a frame and its pieces. Everyone has their own process. Some people insist on building the border first. Some people sort the pieces by color or shape. And some people haphazardly try putting pieces together. It is difficult to say that one approach is more correct than the other, but what if I could offer pointers on how to efficiently build the puzzle with the least amount of frustration? 

If we can approach solving the puzzle with the understanding that there are likely missing pieces, and that we need to rely on a healthy and strong context before attempting to put any of the pieces together, this will determine what perspective we are coming from. We will not be putting on our glasses after the fact. We will be wearing them to begin with.

This should not be a revelation. We all know what it is like to confront the fact that we made inaccurate assumptions simply by not acknowledging the possibility of missing pieces. And yet, we never really stop doing it. It is undeniably much easier and natural for us to fill in those missing pieces automatically, half-heartedly giving the benefit of the doubt. 

Though we have a general predisposition towards assuming the worst, and inventing all kinds of colorful puzzle pieces, somehow when it comes to the people we love, we manage to be endlessly more generous. How is it that we can be forgiving and accepting of our family members or friends who are so completely different from us in appearance, lifestyle, and perspective? If these people were our annoying neighbors or acquaintances would we offer them the same courtesies of acceptance and respect? Obviously not. But why is that?

Think about your friend who prior to developing this friendship, you had all sorts of preconceived notions about. Perhaps some of your observations were in fact accurate. You aren’t blind. People present themselves through dress, speech, and action. Those things all carry weight. When we get to know someone more intimately, we automatically gain insight. We learn where they came from, what they struggle with, and usually despite everything, how they are, by and large, good inside. We build the context. Suddenly, the things that we once viewed as indisputably negative, are seen in a different light. And even though before it was easy to see these people as “other” and “different”, now we can appreciate how as humans just trying our best, we have a lot more in common than we could have ever imagined previously.  

How different would the world be if we gave everyone the same free passes that we grant our friends? The people that we have been around long enough to prove to us that despite their inherent humanity, they are good inside. What if we made the assumption that everyone was good inside and just doing their best? The assumption that we don’t have all of the pieces to the puzzle? The assumption that there may be valid reasons behind certain actions and statements? We are comfortable making all sorts of assumptions, so why not make the ones that will bring us together versus pull us apart?

There are many reasons why people who are different from us have the power to drive us absolutely batty. There could be issues of jealousy, resentment, and frankly profound disagreement. If we live our lives with such purposefulness and truly believe that we are doing the right things, it is very easy to look at others who live differently as wrong. We may even come to view them as a threat. If they so strongly believe in their approach, doesn’t that by definition discount mine? How can we hold the truth that we believe in and live by with the simultaneous truth that maybe they are also living the right way when there are obvious discrepancies? How can we both be right? How can I accept them and their approach without rejecting my own? How can I accept something that is seemingly antithetical to what I believe to be true? Furthermore, why would Hashem create people with such different and conflicting perspectives? How can we overcome this?

The world takes all types. Not just because it makes the world a more colorful and enriching place, but because there are too many different things that need to be done, and not everyone is suited to give in every way. The unique qualities that people have that at times can annoy us tremendously, are typically the same skills that they use to do truly incredible things. The lady who can’t seem to keep her nose out of everyone’s business is the same one who secretly arranges and makes sure everyone has what they need. The guy who seems to have no shame, who speaks his mind at every moment is the very same guy who will speak up when we need someone to stand up for us. Qualities need to be harnessed, but typically their existence creates potential, and more often than not, people use their powers for good. I’ve learned to appreciate that there are other people in the world with different strengths than mine. I cannot do everything on my own, nor would I want to. I have the things that I can contribute, and I also have my limitations, just like everyone else. I am grateful that I don’t have to fight for all of the important things on my own. Because I can depend on other people to contribute in the ways that they can, and to fight for the important things that only they can fight for, I can commit myself fully to my fight. Not because I don’t think that anything else is important, but because this is the banner I can put my all into and make sure it is fought for. I can only do this by relying on my teammates to give just as much into their fight. All values are worth fighting for. If I can view my peers who are fighting just as hard for their chosen value, I can relate to them as a team member with a different, but equally important role. Instead of viewing them as different or against, we are united by our common goal. 

The moment that we realize that we are all fighting for the same thing, yet in a different way, our feelings towards the other shift. They are no longer an enemy, but an ally. Suddenly the insecurity of jealousy, resentment, and frustration are replaced by respect, appreciation, and pride. 

When you are a part of a team with a common goal, your focus is on the goal. If you confidently believe that your partners are, like you, doing their best to help the team reach the goal, the particulars of who and what cease to matter. 

It’s time to rebuild the frame that defines the context through which we process every piece of the puzzle that comes our way, and at the bottom of the frame it should be printed, “Objects in the frame are more positive than they appear.” Maybe then, when faced with the trap of making negative judgements, we can instead proceed with caution with the understanding that we don’t have all of the pieces and with the certainty that if we did, we would definitely feel differently. And perhaps most importantly, maybe then we can truly realize that we are all on the same team and we can finally unite under our shared goal.

May this year be the year we finally achieve it.