Sermons of Rebuke: Bereishit excerpts

Shabbat Shalom
I want to get all the kids back up there on the Bima. It is the first time this congregation unified in a group disciplinary act. I would like to see this as a regular practice in this congregation, where we force our children to behave together.
You have families. How did that happen?
(2:21) H’ forced a sleep on man, and took from his ribs, what became woman.
Man would have never agreed to this dealing with woman thing. Man would never do anything unless they are forced. Even your children would not have come up to the Bima together, on Simchat Torah, if we didn’t have candy. It would have been nice if some of you parents would have shared the candy with the children. I can understand taking a taffy or two, but give your children the bags…
(2:24) Thus man has to leave his parents house. Get married. ‘Stick to his wife.’
Not supposed to go to another woman or a bar. Supposed to go back home to your wife, Ben. I understand how painful it can be to see your family, when there are no candies at home….
(3:7) Their eyes were open (after eating from the tree of knowledge) and they noticed they were naked.
Knowledge is not always good. It can be embarrassing. Especially when you give the wrong answer in class, and you are without clothes. There are problems when people try to do too much. And it always happens because of women. Always reading, trying to be the smarter ones in the third grade…when all you want is some good sweets….
(3:12) After they hide from H’, Adam blames it on woman. The one that H’ forced him.
Women causing the problems. Because of woman we have to wear bathing suits….It is about time that the Frankel mishpuchi taught their children to wear something in the public pool…and to change in the public bathroom, and use that as the toilet.
It is an embarrassment to the community.
..Of course the snake then gets blamed….Always blaming the little guy on the sided who now can’t even talke….
What is the lesson?
(3:17) Man is punished because he listened to his wife.
How many mistakes have been made in this community, beacuse we have listened to women?
The pink parochet (ark cover) and neon green Tallit, used for covering the children when they went up for Kol Hane’arim (where the children get called to the Torah on Simchat Torah)?! One of the kids ate the Tallit. Thought it was the green monster taffy.
It is time we disciplined the women of this congregation as a group…collectively…whoever is convincing the women to have more fruit at kiddush…Nobody ever got punished for eating cake and candy. Only women do that.
***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.
Shabbat Shalom
About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.
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