Shelach: The Meraglims’ Identity Crisis

Bamidbar 13:3: “…all are men, leaders of the children of Israel, they are.” Rashi notes that “men” refers to kosher people, people of high regard, stature, and of course, proper character. Boys don’t simply become men because they had their Bar Mitzvah. They may rise to adulthood, where they are forced to eat from their own dish and take care of themselves, but, as they say, age is just a number.

What does it mean when I say, “I’m ready to identify as a man”? An identity is defined as more than just a label stuck on the boss’s nametag. It is a walk and talk that follows the man around wherever he goes. A leader will walk into a place that isn’t necessarily under his leadership and take control when things seem to become messy. As the Mishnah in Avot 2:5 states, “In a place of no man, attempt to be a/the man!” Each person in their personal identity will find their places, in or out of the office, to drive their experience. Like the accountant who eavesdrops on a conversation and pipes up with financial advice.

The identity of a man depends a lot on the accomplishments they have to show for themselves. They have solid evidence to back up their theories with stories and reviews to prove them. Of course, step one is taking a leap in a specific direction and being passionate about its pursuit, and only then does step two open up with perfecting it with each experience. This perfection is solely based on focus. When one can dial into their dream and come back to it over and over again, it becomes who they are. When you speak to anybody you will hear what is on their mind. Even as they discuss a totally new topic, they’ll blend their knowledge with analogies and metaphors to keep themselves on the line of logic.

The things you do, the things you speak, and the thoughts you have become the force behind the identity you wish to walk. A man chooses his direction. This and none other. “This” encapsulates all responsibilities in their life. The identity is one of a son, husband, father, boss/whatever… Those are what surround his mind and heart all day long, so it is only natural that once there is tuned-in focus you will probably hear them speak of their true loves in the world. They will be passionate as they speak and always find a way to tie in their life experience to any conversation.

Take a child who has nothing to sell. What will he be showing off to his parents? A new toy they got, or in many cases, they’ll make weird noises and funny sounds just to get attention. Have you ever asked yourself why children act this way? The answer is, this is the love of their life and that is what they are expressing. Crying is the natural expression when the love is out of reach, so adults, just as children, should know how to express themselves. But the point being, that we speak our life to others, knowingly or unknowingly. Listen closely to the metaphors people use and you will get to hear their most hidden secrets.

Having an identity is one we all strive for. Many foolishly pursue other people’s identities, thinking that they will become successful if only they followed the other’s business plan. It is foolish because if you actually want to emulate someone else you literally have to become them. You have to deal with a flat tire the same way they would. You have to live with the same wife and children as them with their personal personalities and your exclusive duty to them. So, finding an identity may seem tough, but truthfully, it is the easiest thing to find.

All you gotta do is listen to yourself. What stories do you tell? Step out of yourself for a moment and ask yourself, “If I were a stranger listening to myself speak, what impression would I have of the speaker?” Take it up another level and pay attention to the things you say with passion and clarity. And then, look ahead in life and ask yourself, “What kind of 80-year-old will I be once I pursue this passion?”

Take into account that there are many other responsibilities in your life besides this passion. You have your livelihood to consider. “Will I make money through this work, and how far am I willing to pursue this dream?” Look at your environment and ask yourself, “Who and what must I leave behind in order to reach those heights?” “Who can’t I neglect? God, family, community.” This identity becomes like a narrow tunnel of “good burdens.” What will I keep and what will I let go of? That’s what it’s made out of.

This identity chooses a path that does and does not do certain things. It becomes so crystal clear in the mind that nothing can distract me from it. Just like one would never freely give up a limb, so too, “How would I commit anything to the contrary of who I am?” It forces me to be involved in those responsibilities all the time, and through it I choose to spend my time with what I love, which has me stick around and keep coming back.

I am in a narrow pipe, but wide enough to carry all of my responsibilities. I am in the middle of this pipe and this identity is what I see behind and before me. I look back and see my humble beginnings, I look forward and see how great the future will be, and I choose today to stick to it. The choice today becomes so obviously simple since there is no room for anything else until I feel secure enough to take upon a new responsibility. The youth should learn this early on as they take on their first responsibility, as the Prophet wails in Eicha 3:27: “It does good to man, as he takes upon responsibility in his youthful age.”

There comes a day when we choose to add new responsibilities in life: birthing a new baby, starting a new company, leading an environment. This choice is a direct result of being satisfied with your identity. An identity is like a couple; we identify as “The Lemmers.” It is the comfort two separate and distinct individuals find together that births a baby. (Side note, birth and born are rooted in the word bear. “The tree bears fruit.” Fruits are born…). It is when one takes upon a responsibility in life and becomes one with it that they become ready to take on even more. The union of a wife and the union of a business share a commonality: that it first has to become your identity before you can expand the business to new areas. Step one is the foundation, and the foundation is strong when it is inseparable from the earth beneath it. Step one of finding the identity is clear. Step two of forming it is clear.

Step three. Be wary of your structure, and make sure you can hold the new load you are adding. Cautiously review your engineering before deciding to add a five-ton swimming pool to your rooftop. Look at the Meraglim. They were men of stature and there was no doubt that they were fit for the job, but this new responsibility they undertook shook their entire building to its core. They lacked a fundamental layer that spelled catastrophe to their reputation and to the entire nation they represented: humility. The entire premise for their espionage was a lack of trust in the Leader above and the leader down here. They thought they knew better, and that calls into question everything that made them “men” in the first place. Interestingly enough, as they died the Pasuk quotes, 14:37: “And the men, those who brought out the word on the land as bad, died in a plague before Hashem.” Their words described their identity! So take all of these steps and add step 0, Humility, because it is truly the smallest who climb highest!

Shabbat Shalom

David Lemmer

LemmerHypnotherapy.com