Social Media Suggestions … and Why I Always Use the Word “While”

I’m a frequent user of social media – admittedly to a somewhat unhealthy degree.  While I don’t post comments about where I have been or photos of what food I ordered at the newest kosher restaurant, as some people choose to do,  I do post links to my weekly columns regularly.  I’ll also frequently comment on other people’s posts, articulating my thoughts and expressing my opinions as best as I can.

Sometimes, though, it can get very nasty.

I recently posted what I initially thought was an innocent item – and unfortunately, it created a tsunami of many unpleasant and offensive comments. When trying to defend myself, I was called “cheap and manipulative.”  Others who took my side had some not-so-nice things to say about my critics.

Fortunately, I have a thick skin … and I don’t let these things bother me.  However, it did make me realize how difficult it is to discuss any subject on social media without the discussion turning personal.

There are a few people who I have engaged with online who are always careful with the words they choose and make it a point to always listen to others who may have differing opinions.  Rabbi Yitzchak Blau, Rabbi Tzvi Sinensky, and Rabbi Shlomo Zuckier — three individuals who I consider both teachers and friends — immediately come to mind.  If you read their posts, you’ll see what I mean.

One of the techniques I try to employ – both in my weekly columns and in my comments on other people’s posts – is to use the word “while” in starting a sentence.  I will often say, “While it’s true that…,” or “While I admit that…,” acknowledging the validity of a differing opinion before making my case.  It demonstrates that I’m listening to what another person has to say, and it also shows that I respect at least a portion of their argument.

And while I am a bit jealous of the passion that some folks express when presenting their opinions, I still prefer to take a more nuanced and balanced approach when responding to posts and writing my columns.  It’s no accident that the title of my weekly column and book is “Meet Me in the Middle,” as it reflects my centrist leanings and even-tempered approach, especially around more controversial issues.

Here are a few other tips that I have found helpful in creating a more civil discussion on social media.  I hope you will also find them helpful.

• Start with Curiosity, Not Combat. Ask a question before making a declaration. Say “Can you help me understand your position?” instead of saying “That’s wrong.”
• Show genuine interest in another person’s point of view. Focus on the idea, not the person.  Critique arguments, not individuals.  Don’t say “You clearly don’t understand Jewish history.”  Instead, say “I see it differently—here’s why I think that idea won’t work.”
• Use “I” statements rather than “You” accusations. Say “I think…”, or “I’ve read that…”, or “In my experience…”as this avoids putting others on the defensive.
• Don’t be sarcastic. It usually doesn’t translate well online and can often come off as hostile or condescending.
• Don’t assume bad intent. Give others the benefit of the doubt. People may express themselves poorly but still mean well.
• Back up your claims with sources. Share evidence without being dismissive.
  Say “Here’s an article I found helpful—what do you think?”
• Model the tone you want to see. Civility often creates more civility. If you remain calm and respectful, hopefully others will follow your lead.
• Take a breath before you post. Before hitting the “submit” button, ask yourself these questions about you composed: “Is this written respectfully?” “Am I sure everything I’ve said is true?” “Is this post necessary?”  If not, reconsider or rephrase.
• Ignore the trolls. If someone is being intentionally inflammatory, disengage immediately.  Responding almost always makes things worse.  If you feel that you must respond, do so only once, calmly, so things don’t escalate.
• Know when to walk away. Not every conversation is worth continuing. If things aren’t progressing, it’s okay to politely exit.  Say “Let’s agree to disagree. Thanks for the discussion.”

Here’s to more productive and lively discussions on social media – and the return of civil discourse.  I’ll see you on Facebook!