It's Tu B'Av – spread the love, yes, even this year | Sally Berkovic

They ring me every wedding anniversary to say thank you. About 20 years ago, I suggested to a friend that he meet a woman I knew. Now, I must clear my conscience and confess that I intimated I knew her much better than I actually did. I figured that love just needed a little push. Irresponsible? Possibly. Worth the risk? In that situation, definitely but admittedly, not always.

As Tu B’Av, commonly referred to as the Festival of Love, is upon us, it is the one day that matchmakers can relax for it is self-serve in the love department. According to the Mishnah [Taanit 4:8]

The daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white clothes, borrowed so as not to embarrass one who did not have… And the daughters of Jerusalem would go out and dance in the vineyards. And what would they say? Young man, please lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself [a wife].

But where are all the young men this year? Many are caked in dirt, scrambling through the alleyways of Gaza, their feet calloused, and their palms chafed, their uniforms torn in the confines of their tanks or rescue helicopters. The tally of fatalities and life-changing injuries is tragic. We lament over the young lovers at the Nova festival who died in each other’s arms, their future brutally truncated, the men and women who escaped Nova, while their partner was killed or kidnapped, and those who came to Nova alone, perhaps in search of love, and survived alone.

A Festival of Love? Now? The gall…

What’s in a Name?

Commentators have noted that unlike our other holidays with multiple names, Tu B’Av has no name other than the Festival of Love. Until now…the recent discovery of a previously unknown manuscript has rabbinic scholars buzzing. Given my work on Tu B’Av in the past, I have been entrusted to share the variant text of the Mishnah cited above, indicating that there are four additional names of Tu B’Av, and presciently, each has a relevance to current circumstances.

Festival of Shadchanim

It’s been suggested that that finding one’s match is as difficult as the splitting of the sea. (Talmud, Sota 2a). Enter the professional shadchan, but she doesn’t look like Fiddler’s Yente anymore. She’s sleek, she’s in high heels and she’s glued to her mobile phone. And he’s well-groomed, he’s suave and computer savvy. They are busy, each with their own clientele and fee structure and a select few have even hit the big time with matchmaker reality TV. It’s a long way from Anatevka.

Arguably, this delicate business is not just for professionals. For example, at 10kbatayyisroel they suggest

You can make a difference. Because redting shidduchim is not just for shadchanim. You don’t need any credentials to suggest a shidduch. Nor do you need a reputation. You just need an idea.

Those who established online dating opportunities also deserve credit and Gabby Deutsch highlighted the experiences of those using dating apps since October 7^th including the comment by Lox Club founder, Austin Kevitch who noted, It’s making Jewish people realize it’s more important than ever to date a Jewish partner, especially since the war began.

Festival of the Prenuptial Agreement

How did he get so rich? asked the local busybody. He divorced well, replied the butcher. It is a well-known story. Should have had a better pre-nup, I thought to myself. Tu B’Av might celebrate love and marriage but not everyone has a Hollywood-happy ending, and we must plan accordingly. Agunot activists have pointed this out and various organisations and legal measures have been put in place when a man refuses to give a ‘get’ – a Jewish divorce – to his wife. But at a time of war, a woman needs protection should her husband go missing. Historically, there have been many incidents of women left as agunot because there was no clear evidence of what happened to her husband and the halachic literature indicates great sensitivity to this issue.

As Rachel Levmore, an expert in this field writes,

it is important to understand the implication for wartime agunot whose husbands are missing in action, captured, or suffering brain injuries. All these wives become husband-less wives, with an undetermined personal status.

It is not very romantic to talk about divorce as a young couple launches on a newly married life. It is demoralising to ask a soldier before he goes into combat to sign paperwork protecting his wife should he go missing or be captured in battle. With DNA testing and dental records, perhaps there are more sensitive alternatives. However, with our current reality – increasing divorce and ongoing war – it is incumbent on our rabbinic leadership to solve these issues to preserve the dignity of vulnerable women and their children.

3. Festival of Compassion

What about those who don’t find love in the vineyard? What about those whose dance card is empty? What is the opposite of love? Is it loneliness? Is it self-sufficiency? For those searching for love in their lives, Tu B’Av could be a ‘slap in the face,’ a painful reminder of loss. As this Tu B’Av looms, we must show compassion for those who have had love snatched from them. We keep the grieving spouses and children in our thoughts, we cry for the about-to-be-married women staring blankly at their wedding dress hanging in their bedroom closet. We think of the slew of young women across the country wondering if there will be enough men to marry over the coming years. We have the hostages in our hearts – their partners desperately waiting for them, praying for their return and ready to give all their love to help them readjust to life at home.

At the same time, there are many heartwarming stories of couples getting married during this difficult time – spontaneously on an army base, or in venues that are more scaled down than originally planned. It is very moving to hear prayers for the hostages and soldiers said under the chuppah and only a person of stone would not shed a tear reading about the wedding of Nova survivors Ben Binyamin and Gali Segal who both had their right leg amputated after terrorists threw hand grenades into their shelter. This impulse to rebuild is in our DNA and what a privilege it is to rebuild in our own homeland, not behind ghetto walls or as a stateless couple in a DP camp.

Festival of Women’s Friendship

Sarah Schenirer, the famed educator and founder of the Bais Yaakov movement framed Tu B’Av as ‘the most beautiful Jewish holiday’ and an ‘old-new celebration for Jewish women.’ Naomi Seidman argues that Tu B’Av in its Polish context involved no matchmaking, but rather celebrated the summer colonies for girls in rural Poland. For example, in 1932, Schenirer led a group of young women into the woods of Skawa, a village 30 miles south of Krakow. As a participant, Hodo Movshowitz recalls

this involved a moonlight hike in the woods, with 115 students and teachers walking hand-in-hand behind their leader and guide, Sarah Schenirer. After some difficulties, a bonfire is lit, and a student gives a talk, followed by Sarah Schenirer, and then the girls and women rapturously and prayerfully sing and dance, an experience of great mystical meaning.

As Seidman suggests, the ecstatic dancing was done not before the eyes of prospective mates, as in the Mishnah, but rather, Movshowitz stresses, with no one watching. Tu b’Av was celebrated in Poland by Orthodox Jewish girls and women, alone in the woods with their God, their guide, and each other.

This reframing of Tu B’Av as a ‘safe space’ for women is an interesting twist and enables women who are not interested in traditional Jewish marriage or family structures to also enjoy the festival.

Does Love Conquer All?

This newly discovered manuscript acknowledges the multiplicity of Tu B’Av narratives, and the issues of class, power and gender are as relevant now as when this manuscript was written. It is clear from contemporary practice that the moniker Festival of Love is likely to retain its popularity and as tradition dictates, there will be many weddings on Tu B’Av and they will bring much needed joy and happiness to many people [including the caterers, florists and musicians].

But if you have found love, don’t become a smug married. It’s very annoying and now is not the time to flaunt it. Just as the glass is smashed at the end of the chuppah service to remember the destruction of Jerusalem, let us also find some way to create a ritual that embodies a compassionate space in our hearts to remember those who are looking for love and those who are grieving for their loved ones.