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Dasee Berkowitz

Thanksgiving: Strengthen our Civic Ties

In today’s political and social climate, many of us feel activated. Some of us are activated to take to the streets in protest, others are doubling down and contributing to causes we believe in, and still others engage in loud one-sided arguments with political pundits we hear on the news and radio. While our impulse is to experience the upcoming holiday of Thanksgiving as a ‘time off’ from our civic lives, what would it mean to see our role as hosts and guests this Thanksgiving as an expression of our civic lives? Why is it important? And how might we show up responsibly in that space?

While we know that social media has added to an already polarized polity, the face-to-face connection between guests sitting around a table is an opportunity to exercise human intelligence over and above the artificial kind that favors algorithms. In the intimate setting of our homes, human intelligence can champion connection, empathy, and the ability to hold our differences.

While many hosts and guests alike may share concerns that heated conversations may erupt around the Thanksgiving table, what might it look like if we made space for them? Holding space and holding people together across their differences is becoming a social necessity.

Consider creating a space in which the people gathered around the Thanksgiving table can share who they are, what matters to them, and what values they want to embody more? By doing so we can allow guests to strengthen muscles like resilient listening and becoming more curious about each person around the table. When we practice these skills with those we care most about, we can be better prepared to bring them out into public – as neighbors, colleagues, and community members.

Organizational and management guru, Patrick Lencioni, reminds us that differences of opinions rest most steadily on a bedrock of trust. As hosts and guests, there is a built-in trust among a group of family and friends. It can be fertile ground upon which differences of opinions can rest. “But won’t it ruin the atmosphere?” As dinner hosts, you can set the tone, and as dinner guests, you can cooperate with the tone the host sets.

Here are a few concrete ideas:

  1. Prepare yourself: After the table is set, and the stuffing is at its peak moisture, set a couple of intentions for yourself as the convener. Maybe, “ I want everyone to feel welcome and I also want them to learn something new from someone at the table.” To help with the second goal, you may want to put discussion prompts under each guest’s plate.  Sentence starters like, “A person who I am inspired by who thinks differently from me is…”, or “A new perspective I was open to hearing recently was…”, “A hard conversation that I stayed in was…”, “A family value that I want to see show up in public more is…” By inviting your guests to share, you offer them models of courageous conversations that can invite other guests to do the same.
  2.  Hold a boundary: When the opportunity arises, invite in differences of opinion. Equally, be clear about the conversational boundary you don’t want to cross. For many, that boundary is ‘mutual respect.’ If a boundary has been crossed, name it and shift the conversation in a different direction.  Something like, “We are going to shift topics now. The conversation is moving in a direction that does not sound respectful.” Your other guests will be grateful that you named what others were feeling and held the boundary of the conversation. With that, others will feel braver to share their views.
  3. Know when to close: Hosts know how to open a conversation with an invitation. They also know when to close a conversation with gratitude. Conversations do not need to be tied up neatly in a bow. You can raise a question that emerges from the discussion is a way to signal that the conversation still resonates. It is not over, it is just over for now.

Hosting is an art form. When we gather our friends and family for holidays like Thanksgiving,  we have the power to strengthen our social fabric. Each curious question asked, and each response generously offered adds to the fabric’s weave. At a time when so many of us may feel powerless against the challenges before us, that’s the kind of personal power we can be grateful for and upon which we can all feast.

About the Author
Dasee Berkowitz is an executive facilitator, coach and educator who helps professionals create the work cultures they want, through better interpersonal communication. She is also author of, "Becoming a Soulful Parent: A path to the wisdom within." She lives in Jerusalem with her husband and three children.