The 17th of Tamuz: A Day of Marriage Reflection

The observance of today’s Fast of the Seventeenth of Tammuz (שבעה עשר בתמוז) offers a surprising opportunity for a Day of Marriage Reflection especially since it is the launch of the three-week period of mourning culminating in the observance of Tisha B’ Av, and focuses on the national tragedies which sparked and led ultimately to the destruction of the two temples known as the Beit HaMikdash.

And particularly since every Jewish home is intended to be a mikdash me’at, a “miniature sanctuary and Temple,” and in fact as the Lubavitcher Rebbe explains, the consciousness in every Jewish home should be that of a microcosm of the Temple, it behooves us to examine the tragedies for what they teach us about preserving and protecting our own temples on the home front.

The Tragedy of the Breach in the Wall

One of the five tragedies commemorated in today’s observance is the breaching of the walls of  Jerusalem by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. The breaching gave the impetus to the ultimate destruction of the Temple on the Ninth of Av.

In marriage, this is a profound and compelling metaphor.

Human nature is to turn our attention to the Main Events in Life without remembering the actions that set in motion the event. In the case of the temple, the breach in the walls of Jerusalem afforded our enemy the path which led directly to the destruction of the walls of the Temple.

In our marriages, we often overlook the “small breaches” that lead to the inevitable crisis moments.

• conversations replaced by a partner focusing on the iPhone and other technological distractions
• criticism replacing expressions of appreciation
• allowing unresolved hurts to accumulate without proper addressing
• emotional “abuse” replacing emotional expressions of caring
• avoidance of affection
• loss of focus on shared spiritual and other meaningful goals

The Seventeenth of Tammuz asks us:

“How can we identify and ameliorate the small breaches in our marriage before they become major damage?”

Two Other Tragedies –The Broken Tablets and Torah Burning

The tragedies are that the Tablets were broken by Moses and the Torah was Burned. The Ten Commandments carved into the Tablets and the Torah is our blueprint for life. Each of these tragedies has its relevance to marriage.

In an article by Esther Piekarski as told to Rishe Deitsch entitled “The Ten Commandments of Marriage”, the author states:

“When we received the Ten Commandments, the foundation of the Torah, this represented the giving of the marriage contract, the ketubah, representing our love, commitment, respect and responsibility within this relationship.” Among the issues she raises are the following:

• Doubt can kill any good marriage
• Comparing leads to trouble
• Make time for your marriage
• We must recognize that there is a third Partner in our marriages
• Recognize the power you hold. Make the effort to encourage, sincerely compliment and express appreciation.
• Be faithful and do not betray trust even by revealing private matters to others
• Have honest and open communication in marriage.
• Don’t be jealous of your spouse

 Another Tragedy: the daily sacrifices ceased due to the lack of sheep.

The Offerings known as the Korban Tamid were offered every single day.

In marriage it is the commitment to daily actions which preserve our peace in the home:

• Asking how the other spouse is doing – taking temperature on how the partner is feeling
• Expressing simple “thank you” for any courtesy extended
• Greeting each other with a smile
• Consider praying or learning some spiritual material together

 Another Tragedy: An idol was placed in the Temple

The placing of the “idol” in the temple was an act of blasphemy. Similarly, we often take our marriages for granted and do not understand the harm committed by other “idols” inserted into our Marriages.

Anything that serves as an obstacle to love and harmony can become an idol. Any of these are candidates and “obsessions”:

• career obsession
• money and social status
• social media and technology
• entertainment and outside interferences
• ego and resentment and jealousy

The fast asks:

“How can we prevent these obsessions from overtaking our marriage?”

Connection to the Three Weeks and Marriage Education and Enrichment Opportunity

As mentioned today, the Seventeenth of Tammuz, begins the Three Weeks—a period of gradual mourning culminating on Tisha B’Av. This day invites reflection and remediation of those tragedies that occurred and outlined above.

The progression itself offers Marriage Education and Enhancement Lessons.

Our amuta Together in Happiness promotes days such as today for couples to set aside time to likewise reflect on the status of their marriage. Taking the roots for the tragedies and using them as a springboard for elevating your own miniature temple is the best remediation for this fast day and insurance policy for its change from a day of mourning to one of joy.

Questions for Reflection include following:

Appreciation and Gratitude

• What actions can I take as a spouse to demonstrate my gratitude and appreciation for the daily acts?

Repair and Rebuild

• What unresolved hurts are we allowing to fester and not be recognized?

Boundaries and Protection

• How are each of us respecting the boundaries of the other and protecting our time against outside influences?

Spiritual Growth and Rituals

• How can we enhance our miniature temple and install new rituals?

Vision and Mission

• What can we do to create and revisit our marital mission statement for the future?

A TAKE AWAY FOR OUR FUTURE

The citation of the tragedies and the connection to marriage is intended to demonstrate that catastrophes can be avoided if proper attention and care is given to ensuring that the breaches in our marriages do not grow due to inattention and lack of proper investment in the areas that can undermine the safety and welfare of our marriages.

It is up to couples to take the time to repair any breaches, communicate with one another, avoid the distractions that serve as dividers to harmony and understand that daily acts of gratitude and acts of kindness serve as fortifications against idols coming into our miniature temples and ensure that our foundations become impervious to destruction.

Make this Fast the inauguration of the DAY OF MARRIAGE REFLECTION and ensure that our miniature temples become bastions of shalom and healthy places where the Divine Presence dwells.

Have a Meaningful Fast.