The 200-Kilo Solution

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The elite intellectuals, college students, media stars, and journalists who have sided with our enemies have advised us, with perfectly straight faces, that they are not antisemites. We are foolishly conflating and confusing wholly justifiable anti-colonial, anti-genocidal, anti-Zionism with Jew hatred. They have no problem, they disingenuously say, with Jews who reject Israel.

Because we want to be loved, we feel that we are being treated unfairly, and we appear to be losing the battle for the hearts and minds of the general audience, we have labored mightily to reverse that narrative.

We have explained that we are indigenous to the land, and therefore not colonialist, a claim that can not be made by the (relatively) recently arrived Arabs.

They don’t care.

We have explained that we are not privileged Caucasians, but a highly heterodox and diverse group, with a non-white majority.

They don’t care.

We have argued that there is nothing to favor one side over the other on the refugee issue, since an equal number of Jews and Arabs were displaced during the period from 1947-49.

They don’t care.

Cognizant of the widespread support for the Palestinian cause and corresponding abhorrence of all things Israeli by many marginalized groups who have chosen to intersectionally identify with other similarly oppressed groups, we have pointed out that Israel (at least in Tel Aviv) is one of the most gay-friendly societies in the world, our feminism and treatment of women is infinitely superior to the treatment of women in Palestinian and Arab society, and while our record on Ethiopians is not beyond criticism, it still far exceeds attitudes toward blacks in the Arab world.

They don’t care. And they don’t care. And they don’t care.

As Yom Ha’atzmaut approaches, we might be forgiven if we were to despair of ever restoring our good name among the progressive opinion molders and masses.  Giving away Gaza didn’t work. Oslo didn’t work. Confidence-building measures were pocketed and disregarded. Most appalling, we can’t even get sympathy from the world when we are sneak-attacked, shelled, raped, kidnapped, tortured, and murdered.

They don’t care.

But it is always darkest before dawn. And even though they try to destroy us in every generation, our divine protector has always provided the means of salvation, if we can only identify it and utilize it. 

Sure enough, right after the holiday of Passover, when many of us may have overindulged in festive meals and family celebrations, not to mention greasy Mimoune fetes, a study reveals a possible path to re-acceptance and a winning hasbara strategy.

Where appeals to justice, fairness, women, blacks, gays, and history have fallen short, the answer may reside in . . . obesity.

The National Review reports that a study by the right-leaning non-profit, Free Speech First, discloses that a small but significant group of medical schools is waging a campaign to downplay the harmful effects of obesity. The primary focus of the report is on the refusal of medical schools to abandon DEI, but that is a battle that is of no concern to Israel. Supporters of DEI will not give up easily and Israel has no effective weapons to resist. Even efforts by the US federal government and various states to ban DEI have either run into brick walls or been defeated by ingenious work-arounds by the institutions to maintain practices found discriminatory by the courts.

Of the medical schools investigated, 99% mandated commitments to racial justice ideology, and 89% mandated commitments to gender ideology. Put them aside.  They don’t matter. And their adherents aren’t going to change their minds about Israel.

Significantly, however, 30% of the medical schools surveyed required the promotion of and advocacy for . . . “weight inclusivity.”

This could be a winning argument for us. We need to come out swinging, embracing our fatness. (Note to wife: stop kvetching; I am eating these potato chips for Israel.)

The environmentalists will continue to say that the path to a clean environment runs through Palestine, and the LGBTQ+II adherents will not be swayed by what they see as “pink-washing.” But if we can point out that we Jews actively support obesity and fat people of all shapes, perhaps we can begin, by appealing to this marginalized group, make inroads into all the other marginalized groups that appear to have all the time in the world to camp out and march against us.

For those of you who may not be au courant in woke developments, “weight inclusivity” is a left-wing ideology to the effect that obese people are victims, oppressed by a medical establishment that views their preferences or genetic propensities as a serious medical condition. In this, as in some other progressive doctrines involving gender, science takes a back seat to ideology. [As this is being written with my plump tongue firmly embedded in my chubby cheek, I will merely note in passing that yes, I am aware of the obesity epidemic that increases the risks of heart disease, diabetes, bad cholesterol, liver disease, and other unpleasant stuff.  Hold your abuse.]

In a second-year program at the University of Texas in Austin, the curriculum sought to ban the words “overweight” and “obese.” The University of Vermont urged students to “reimagine” nutrition in a way that would minimize the importance of weight control. UCLA compels medical students to confront their “fatphobia.” 

Significantly, my research discloses no organized overweight anti-Israel group. I have reviewed archives of protest rallies and there was not a single “Free Fat Palestine” or “Fat Jews for Palestine” placard. (Of course, there is fat-free palestine, a varietal cheese, but that’s different.) Yet 40.3% of Americans were characterized as obese in 2023, according to the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey.  This is a target-rich environment. We need to get to those people before RFK, Jr. makes them svelte.

I can see the ad campaigns: Israel welcomes all of you. Yes, every extra kilo of you.  The Knesset could pass legislation banning “yo mamma” jokes and widely publicize its inclusivity before the Supreme Court overturns the law. El Al should install wider seats with greater distance between rows (it should do that whether or not this new initiative is adopted; I mean, really!). Restaurants should offer round-the clock business lunches. Portions should be made larger and desserts should be included with every meal. Free loaves and fishes at the Galilee for overweight Evangelicals.  Challah, bagels, herring and gefilte fish for members of the tribe (take that, Jewish Voice for Palestine). Irrespective of religious affiliation, separate seating for men and women wherever food is being served (if you don’t understand, you are not male or you are not married).

Israel can really get out front on this one. Finally, something that can bring us all together. Food.

Jared Gould, research fellow for Speech First, said, “A DEI plague has plunged our medical schools into critical condition. They’re compelling students into being social justice zealots who prioritize care by race, push kids into gender identities defying biology, and deny obesity’s health risks . . .”

Forget about all that other stuff. Israel needs to get on board in disregarding obesity’s health risks before the tentifadists reach out to overweight people. Look around. Or in the mirror, as I just did. This could be a winner for us. The Knesset should establish a Ministry of Pleasantly Plump People, and the MPPP should work together with the Ministry of Tourism and the Ministry for the Diaspora to spread the word: If you are overweight, Israel loves you.

It could be the wedge (of cake) issue that breaks apart the intersectional coalition and gives us a pudgy toe-hold in the one marginalized group that doesn’t yet hate us.

As many of you know, I do not come to this issue as a neophyte. I have written the classic Manly Man’s Diet For Manly Men, the best and funniest diet book ever written, available on Amazon for a ridiculously low price. But, for the love of Israel, I will stop pushing sales of the book if Israel decides to adopt the fat-welcoming agenda, and weight loss will reduce support for the Zionist cause. Or, even better, buy it and read it for the humor, but don’t follow the diet. Stay fat. And remember what small middle eastern country loves you.

The hell with the haters. Come eat with us.