The 7 stages of yahrzeit

My family just marked my son Koby’s 24^th yahrzeit, so I know too well that yahrzeits are a painful, tricky time of year. Nobody tells you about the stages of yahrzeits — “year time” in Yiddish — the anniversary of the death. “Anniversary” sounds romantic, but yahrzeits are the polar opposite. Unfortunately, too many of us in Israel have suffered traumatic loss and will be marking yahrzeits. Especially in the wake of this painful war.

So what I have learned is that you know that it’s that time of year even if you don’t look at the calendar.

In fact, you don’t change the page of the calendar, so you don’t have to know exactly when it is. But even without knowing, you know. You feel that knife-to-the-heart dull grinding pain that is going to get worse. So to help you cope, here are the stages of yahrzeit:

1. Pre- pre-

There is some holiday before the yahrzeit and you know when that holiday comes, something painful is going to enter your body, but you can’t name it. And every year, you forget how awful it’s going to be. It is looming on the horizon, like a grey cloud threatening to swirl into a personal tornado.

2. Pre-

The week before, when you know it’s coming, you can’t decide whether to stay home as much as possible and hide or to keep yourself super-busy so you can pretend it’s not coming and tell people that you’re fine, no problem.

3. The day before

People get in touch, and you can’t communicate because you are comatose.

4. The yahrzeit day, before you go to the cemetery

Oh my God, it’s here and you are totally overwhelmed by the pain. You forgot that your loved one’s loss is at the center of your life, dangling  a sword over your being. You’re not even sure you can breathe.

5. The yahrzeit

You’re at the cemetery and you’re counting the people who have come, and you are laughing, and you put your heartache to the side for a minute, but it pours out at the grave of your loved one, who was so young when he died/was murdered/was killed/dropped dead.

6. The Shabbat — before or after

What do you say? How much do you talk about the dead person? Who has what to say? Who doesn’t want to talk about it? Who is happy that the family is together, even though you have no energy and just want to die?  But you don’t die.

7. Post yahrzeit hangover

It’s over. You can’t move. You wake up like you drank a whole bottle of whiskey. Where are you anyway? You need a day in bed. You’re finished.

Later in the day, or a few days later, it is like the person is no longer dead. At least you don’t have to give him all of your attention. You can pretend that you have moved on, even though you have never moved on. Anyway, you don’t move on. You move with…

But (if the person died a long time ago) you can put your grieving luggage away in a cupboard, knowing that you won’t have to unpack it for another year. Oh wait, there’s always the birthday. And the English dates. And the graduations. And bar mitzvahs. And the lies you tell yourself to continue living…